Ok, my first recap ever, I’m like all emotional and stuff. So let’s go! American Idol Top 12!!!! Why I am so looking forward to this shit is still beyond me, but well, let’s not intellectualize. Oh, and just so that you guys know, it’s going to be like a live recap, because I was taking notes all along, but at the same time, it’s also gonna be a delayed recap because the show ended 14 minutes ago. It’s a delayed live recap.
Which for all I know, might well be delayed until tomorrow since I’m a little bit on the long-winded side.
Anyway, now I shut up and I start.
American Idol 7: Top 12!!! Yeay!
We get introduced to the new set, the new lights, the new smoke, the old judges, and the season 7 top 12. Great. Love the smoke. The band is perched up… somewhere.
This year’s Top 12 is made of 25% of Davids, 2 Blondes, 2 Cooks, 1 hippie, 1 Cruella De Vil lookin’ Harley ridin’ nurse, I X-small Asian girl, 1 medium Irish girl,1 medium black girl, 1 medium-large black guy, and 1 portion of Australian hunk. Which makes 14. Guess which two are fucking up my top 12.
So variety across the boards, except for the Davids and the Cooks.
First up is Syesha. “Got to get you into my life.”
I wasn’t taking notes about the contestants’ background tidbits at the start, so you’ll have to wait later for those. So basically, I can’t tell you anything about Syesha. Oh, doesn’t she live in Florida? Like Miami? Anyway.
So so. I will probably have forgotten about this by the end of the show. No, wait, it’s picking up… Yep, it’s sorta of picking up. It’s still not memorable though. Yea. It’s okay. Not great, but okay. Forgettable. You get it.
Dawg: It was alright.
Paula: It was alright.
Simon: Disagreed. He thought it was a great improvement from last week, and that she made a great song choice. Oh well. Go Syesha, I guess.
Me: It was alright.
2 – Chikezie: She’s a woman.
I like the start, it looks like a jam session between friends, they’re all sitting around of the floor, and the arrangements are quite interesting. Quite unexpected. Gets even more unexpected when Chikezie gets up and starts rocking the fuck out of the song, the room, and WOW! I didn’t know this guy had it in him, but that was like totally awesome! Where did that come from? I’m.. just wow! He does some goofy moves in the middle of the song, but I really don’t care because he’s so good. Very very pleasantly surprised. I’m sure he is the revelation of the night. He is for me, the guy just kicked my butt!
After tonight, I have to admit that no matter how much I liked Danny, Chikezie absolutely showed that he belongs in the top 12. Bravo, man! Don’t fuck up next week, now.
Yo yo yo: You smashed it (dawg)!
Paula: I think she essentially agreed with Randy that indeed, Chikezie kicked some serious ass. Watch out, David Cook, he’s gonna try to steal your resident rocker status!
Anyway, I don’t know exactly what Paula says, because I was too busy writing “Paula makes sense” on my pad to really pay attention. I’m sure she liked it. It’s Paula. She likes everything and everyone.
Simon: Agrees with Randy/Paula, adding that it was terrific! Yeay for Chikezie!
I suspect Ryan snorted a line of coke during Chikezie’s performance. He’s running around on the stage and no one really knows why. Don’t take drugs, kids! Well, at least, don’t take coke. Look at Ryan, do you really want to be like that?
When Ryan hits his down, he announces Chikezie’s number and Chikezie looks super happy and cute and surprised and all that shit to be there, and it’s awesome. Good for him.
3 – Ramiele – I don’t have a clue what she sang. I was bored before the song even began and I wasn’t listening. Goggle it.
Ballad. Crap. I’m not a big fan of ballads; unless they’re done very well, they bore me.
Ramiele does absolutely nothing for me. Actually, yes, she bores me. She just isn’t my kind of singer and… how long is this song?
One day, the song ends. Finally.
Pitchy: It was boring.
Paula: You look lovely tonight. Uh-oh, that is NEVER good. That’s Paula’s way of saying: “you sucked hardcore”. Ramiele could be out. That’s like the kiss of death. We’ll have to see if anyone sucks more than her, though, and there is still plenty of time for screw ups. (By the way, Paula is still spookily coherent, and I suspect she might be sober or something. But there is still plenty of time left for her to call the audience mutts.)
Simon: Was bored. Thought it was a bad choice of song.
Me: Agrees wholeheartedly with everyone judging. And she did look cute, but cute and boring are not enough. Snooze.
4 – Jason – If I fell
He seems to be a real sweet guy. I hope he plays his guitar this week…
Yes he does! Yeay! I’m not Jason’s biggest fan, but I do like him, and he’s never let me down so far. I just dig the rockers more. I’m not too folksy.
He starts and I feel it’s going be good and I’m right, I like it. The cool thing with Jason is that he knows who he is as an artist, and he doesn’t pretend to be what he’s not. There’re a couple of high notes where his voice gets a bit thin, but I like it. I find it’s a good song for him, and I enjoy that he gave it the Jason treatment.
He finishes the song, makes an adorably awkward strange little shrug and giggles and then heads for the guillotine.
Check it out: What’s going down? (Hmm, I don’t like when he asks the contestants what’s going down. Often it’s them.) He liked it, but not loved of it.
Paula: Agre… No, wait! Paula DISAGREES. WHAT??? Paula never disagrees and loves everything and everyone and mutts too! Paula felt his heart. Jason’s, not Randy’s. He’s unique, and emotionally connected with the song, and with her.
Simon: Jason reminds him of a student playing and singing in his bedroom. ? He thought the song was boring, and Jason wasn’t as good as last week. However, he does predict that Jason will live the Highdol life for at least another week.
Me: is very confused right now, because I actually understood Paula’s New Age jargon and agree with it. Very troubling, that.
And I’m sure Jason will stick around for a while.
Simon and Ryan, can you hear me? STFU. These two need to get it on, because they keep bickering and it annoys the fuck out of me. Save it for the red green room, morons. No wonder this show goes on and on.
5 – Carly: Come together
We find out that Carly and Amanda are roommates, actually, they are apartmentmates since last night, when they moved up in the world. She works 7 days a week, not 8, like in that Beatles song, she pours Guinness and serves it to people for a living, loves San Diego (I think), misses her family and friends who are all back in Ireland, and does a singing gig where she gets to sing “Come together” every week, and apparently, she’s not fed up with it yet because that’s what she’s picked for tonight’s show.
She starts off very strong, and she sounds and looks almost pissed off. I like the cute dress, sexy Carly is out tonight. Wow, gurl’s got some serious pipes! She screams a lot, I find, but she’s so good that I don’t care. Her voice blows me away.
What’s going down: Calls Carly strong, confident, stellar, and more good stuff like that.
Paula: Feels like she’s a star… what? What the hell did I write? What’s “rama”? Paula says more good stuff.
Simon: Wants to bang Carly, I suspect. He said Kelly Clarkson became Kelly Clarkson on that exact same day ages ago, and that is freaking HUGE, if I go by the reaction of collective hysteria which ensues. Carly has chosen “The Perfect Song” every week and in short, she’s a freakin’ genius and Simon wants to get her out of that electric blue mind dress faster than you can say “We’ll be right back after these messages”.
Intermission. I need to crack a beer for this: David Cook, crowned the new Man Of My Life a couple of weeks ago. I kicked out Javier Bardem for this guy, so he better be good.
When we do come back, Ryan has pinched Dawg’s seat and he blathering about something. What’s with all the love/hate stuff with these guys?
6 – David Cook – Eleanor Rigby.
In a previous life, David used to be a “drink slinger” A drink slinger with nail polish. The guy’s more feminine than me, interesting. He also smashes a guitar. Oh well. I’m still gaga. He likes crosswords, man. I will focus on the positives. And one major positive is on its way: his performance.
I love the song. I love David. To mess up this perfect combination, he’d really have to fuck up something rare.
But because he’s David Cook and my Love and he fucking rocks, he doesn’t. What he does is nail the song though, and boy do I wish I was next on his list of things and people to nail.
I don’t have too many notes on David because I was busy watching, salivating, and wiping. He rocked the song, in both senses of the word and is absolutely tremendously awesome and I love him. No guitar for my baby today, and a couple of nauseating camera angles are basically my notes. He was great.
Whassup: Pitch problem at the start, wh… what? I didn’t hear anything. Then again what do I know. But Randy sez that David the Man is showing the world that Idol can rock and I don’t know about Idol, but David sure can rock.
Paula: Is talking animals again. Today: horses. I’m sure David’s super-happy to find out that he’s a dark thorough-bred. He’s also brilliant and a front-man and stuff, and someone says “Stallion” and I’m getting a flashback from last week’s mutts talk, but things get back on track quickly.
Simon: says that if Idol is indeed a talent competition rather than a popularity contest, (move over, David Archuleta) then David (Cook) could win the whole damn thing.
David looks very pleased and happy and not smartassy at all and he’s being all super-cute and really fucking hot and if I was there I’d be climbing all over him before Ryan had time to finish reading the phone number.
7 – Brooke: Let it be.
? They didn’t give it to Wittle David? I’m surprised.
Brooke used to be a nanny, owns the “Sargent Pepper” album, is grateful for a bunch of stuff and I hope she’ll play the piano tonight. She did that cool tune on the piano in Hollywood and I enjoyed it.
I don’t think I like Brooke all that much. Too straight-edge, too bland, too folky, and unfortunately the religion thing. It gets to me. I try not to let it, but it does. But I swear, I don’t let it cloud my judgment about her singing. It only affects how I feel about her personally. Which I don’t even have to feel too guilty about it because I’m not all that crazy about her anyway.
She is at the piano, and it’s nice. It’s very Brooke Whitish, no surprise. It’s pleasant, and I like her voice, but she just doesn’t make me jump up and down. She screams a note a bit towards the end, but that’s as far as she’ll rock tonight. One day, I’d like to hear Brooke attempting to rock the fuck out of a song, just to see if she’s capable of it. Chikezie did it. Maybe she can too.
The camera shows two guys in the audience with a sign that reads: “We love Brooke but we miss our nanny”. Awww.
Randy (I’ve ran out of Dawgisms): Loves her conviction, thought that her performance was heartfelt, and is a fan of hers.
Paula: This is your nitch. It’s actually “niche” but she says “nitch” so I write nitch. There. She felt, again, the emotional connection, and all is cool in the universe and the birds are singing.
Simon: Thinks she was one of the best of the night, that she was believable, and did great three weeks in a row.
Ryan wants Brooke real bad. He is holding her hand and standing facing her, but quite far, and I’m waiting for him to fish a little box out of his jacket pocket, drop down on one knee and propose to her. You haven’t even been on a date yet, idiot, you’re moving too fast; look, you’re making her nervous, her voice is shaky and she’s fighting back tears, you’re freaking her out. Ryan hears me and changes his strategy; he goes to get her shoes for her from under the piano because Brooke can’t play with shoes on. Heck, I probably couldn’t even walk out of the room with those step-ladders they put the girls on.
The judge keep saying “Ryan, Ryan, be careful Ryan” but I don’t know why. I must have been writing and missed something.
8 – Naughty David Hernandez: I saw her standing there.
David tells us that he’s from the same place I forgot in Arizona, which also spawned the “wonderful” Jordin Sparks. Wonderful? I can’t stand that bitch. Hated her wayyy before I found out she was protesting against abortion. Fuck you, bitch. Too bad Melinda was too bloody nice to kick your ass. Tss. I’m getting myself wound up here.
David sez he got fired from his job at Dick’s pl… What? Pizza Bistro? Yeah, right, my butt, Pizza Bistro. More like Pole Bistro, David. We know. You’ve been ousted, honey. Show us some of them moves instead of talking shit.
David also has a diploma in Beatles Studies. He took a Beatles 101 course, and now, he’s a Beatles guru apprentice. He loves “I saw her standing there” so much that he’s singing it tonight.
No pole. It would have been a nice touch, I find. They built a whole new set, they really could have snuck a quick pole in it. Maybe they’re saving it for April 1st, Fools Day. I can’t wait. Don’t boot Naughty David just yet, guys!
David is in the audience, on the stage, everywhere, physically, vocally, he’s very OTT, but there’s no denying that the guy can most definitely sing. But he’s missing the grit that to me, makes rock’n’roll rock’n’roll. David’s more like a disco singer, I find. It’s Ok, a bit diva-ish but Ok. I’ve had a soft spot for David since Hellywood week, and I do think he’s a great singer, so I’ll forgive him for now. Well, at least until April 1st and the pole thing.
Randy: Dawg, it was just too overdone for me, too many runs, you lost me.
Paula: I love your voice. David: “I love you too”. Awww. Paula gets some love, how sweet. Paula’s being a total bitch tonight, because she agrees with Randy AGAIN. Overdone with too many runs.
Simon: Corny, verging on desperate. Ouch. David apparently reminds him of a rabbit in the headlights, and a long debate ensues among the judges; Randy says, it’s not a rabbit, it’s a deer, and Simon says if you put a rabbit in the headlights, it will have the same… Oh shit, nevermind. Then I wonder why my recap is so long…
9 – Amanda the biker nurse: You can’t do that
Amanda looks like a Carrie Underwood half dipped in tar and who’s taken up to smoking two packs a day. She looks pretty tonight tough. The make-up girl did something right, because her face looks softer than usual.
She lives in a small town in Indiana and was born on a Harley. Not quite, but all her family rides, and so does she, and apparently they might as well since it seems it’s the only thing to do over there.
Amanda screams; “Alright, here we go!!” All week I had a feeling that Amanda was gonna do well tonight. The Beatles have so many amazing rock songs and other songs to pick from; although I was hoping she’d get to do “Helter Skelter”.
I’m not too sure about the start of the song, but it picks up and she rocks it and scats a little bit here and there and it’s pretty good. I have to say though, what is with all the action around her neck? Between the bling and the shiny scarf, you can’t tell what is what, but she better be careful and not pull an Isadora Duncan. I don’t know how well the viewing public would respond to “Dead Idol: best freak accident”.
She ends, shakes some fans’ hands, all smiles and stuff. Amanda seems to be in a good disposition tonight.
Randy: I’m not sure if I heard right, but this is what I have: Southern bar something, very cool. He likes it. Good. This is going to fuck with the Vote For The Worst collective mind.
Paula: You’re smiling (true), you’re having fun (or so it seems; maybe Amanda got hold of the internet and read that viewers resent contestants who look miserable after Simon throws gold and diamonds at them.) Oh yeah. Paula is blown away. Good.
Simon: Not as good as last week, a bit shouty, but you’re a breath of fresh air in the competition. Amanda’s moving on!
Ryan and Simon get into bitchy courting mode again, and Amada plays goofy for the camera, with the devils horns and a funny grimace, then plays nice and throws a big kiss to everyone. Cute.
10 – Michael Australia: Across the universe.
Michael is Australian and has kept his accent so that he can get laid whenever he wants to, with whomever he wants to. He’s been in the States for 10 years and has done everything, including discovering Lennon and McCartney. “Across the universe” then becomes a fitting choice, and is apparently also one of McCartney’s favourite songs, one that helped him get through some rough family shit, and I hope it’s gonna work for me too, because tomorrow, I’m playing this song in a loop all day.
Music starts playing, and a guitar appears, with a hand, who’s behind it, it’s…. Not Michael. I like it. It starts acoustic, then a violin and the back vocals start, then the whole shebang follows, and it seems to me that Aussie Mike is back, and so are his soulful vocals. He’s really cute too, although not a word nerd, hence not as hot as My David. Regardless, I’ve enjoyed Michael Australia more tonight than I had since Hellywood week. Good job!
Randy: Yo, check it out, I was waiting for something bigger. A little sleepy, a little sleepy a little sleepy (I’m not kidding, he did say it 3 times, it’s in my notes).
Paula: I disagree with Randy. What, AGAIN? What the hell is up with Paula tonight? She shows up sober, makes sense and gets a mind of her own? Things are not going according to plan. Paula says Aussie Mike has confidence, he was connected, and he’s brilliant. Mike, if you wanted to, I think you could get laid tonight.
Simon: Agrees with Randy, and asks what the Irish girl’s name is, you know, the one he’s been judging and wanting to bag for the last three weeks. Because apparently, the Irish lass did something brilliant tonight.
So Simon gives Aussie Mike shit for something that another contestant did and was given shit for (I think it was Naughty David). So Aussie Mike gets crap cos’ he didn’t change the song, but Naughty David gets crap because he did… Colour me confused…
11 – Kristy – Eight days a week.
I could totally bullshit in this recap, since the show aired hours ago, and say that she sucked. But because I’m a honest chick, I’ll tell the truth and admit that I’m the only moron in North America who liked her performance. After all, I have terrible taste in men, I don’t see why I should be sexist and not have terrible taste in women too. Kristy’s not my type though, I prefer girls who look like Jason Castro.
Kristy’s town is so small, she tells us, that if we blink, we’ll miss it. An invisible town, that’s so cool. The village where I grew up is really small, but dude, invisible’s so much better. I have to find it on Google Earth right after the show. I have the first clue already: it’s in Oregon.
A violin starts, because Kristy’s a country girl and a Carrie Yawnderwood wannabe, and she gives us some Marilyn Monroe-esque shoulder action, and her top is covered with shiny stuff and Kristy’s playing a bad girl tonight because she’s wearing ripped jeans; she wants us to remember her, and her timing’s just as well since it looks like we’ll be saying bye-bye to Kristy tomorrow night. Seriously, if we’re gonna do that, couldn’t we have just sent her home last week and kept Danny instead?
Anyway, Kristy and her country twang are countryfying the hell out of this song, and I (am the only one in the whole damn world to ) enjoy it. Damn. I feel stupid now.
She lets out a nice big note, and I dig the whole thing. I like bizarre covers, what can I say…
Randy: Likes the arrangements, but thought she did too many runs; he’s half and half about the whole thing.
Paula: Lov… What, AGAIN? WTF is it with Paula tonight? I think she’s really trying to fuck with my mind. Well, Paula “didn’t enjoy it.” She didn’t get Kristy. I don’t get Paula. A pig singing “Yellow submarine” just flew by my window. Another week of sober Paula, and I’m renaming her Simone.
Simon: Horrendous, and reminiscent of a Dolly Parton on helium. Take that Barbie. Kristy did something brave, but foolish, the song doesn’t work in this country style.
So take a good look at Kristy you guys, because I think she’s a goner.
Me: Liked a generic blonde for the first time this season, and a little part of me feels bad for said generic blonde. I suspect there is, somewhere in my heart, a teeny tiny place for the rejected generic blondes, because I remember feeling the same way towards Kady, when she got the boot. And I think Kady should get into stand-up comedy and focus on imitating other generic blondes, because she’s really good at it.
In the meantime, I’ll stand by my guns, will sound crazy, and say that I liked Kristy for the first and -probably- the last time. Ryan says the words “David Archuleta”. We hear heaps of prepubescent wittle girls shrieking hysterically before we head to commercial.
OK, time for dessert. Today, it’s maple syrup pie with a dash of honey, sprinkled with sugar.
12 – The Golden Boy, The Chosen One, The Underage Heartthrob, The… It’s WITTLE DAVID!!! – We can work it out.
David tells us that he’s stressed out. He’s all giggly and almost reminds me of Paula when she’s being herself (ie.: drunk/stoned/both). We see a clip of his mum doing something that looks to me like that weird performance art shit that you see in those vegan granola cafes. David’s tells us he didn’t know the Beatles, or something like that, and he’s all giggly and stuff. Yeah, whatever.
So Wittle David starts off on the stairs, and fucks up the lyrics before he actually reaches the bottom step. It’s my turn to giggle…! Oh, C’mon, you guys, it was about time that he fell off his pedestal. Oh shit, he fucked up again…! I have no room left to feel bad for him, all my sympathy’s already gone to Kristy, so what can I do? Giggle some more, and write furiously: “Well, maybe WE can work it out, but obviously, HE can’t.” This is not good, dude. Not only did he mess up the lyrics twice, but he made no effort to conceal it. That “Rabbit in the headlights” syndrome that Simon was going on about earlier has contaminated Wittle David. He’s got that faraway look in his eyes, which makes me wonder if he’s spotted a 13 years old he’d like to take out on a date at the ice-cream parlour post-show. Why does he keep licking his lips? Someone, get the boy some chapstick, for Christ’s sake!
Some goofy smiling, and it’s Judgment time. Poor Wittle David, he’s not used to hearing words of not praise, he’s not gonna know what hit him after this. Which can’t be good. Because he clearly can’t work out the Beatles. He should have taken the same Beatles course as Naughty David. Mind you, Naughty David probably wasn’t paying that much attention in class, because his performance wasn’t exactly stellar either; however, it was still better than this. And at least, he knew the lyrics.
The axe falls.Randy: Check it out, dude. Not on point, forced, didn’t work, wrong vibe, should have done the Stevie Wonder version. I think Dawg didn’t dig David, you guys. And alliterations are awesome.
Paula: You’re a frontrunner, but this week, you were an undercover frontrunner, and when you fuck up the lyrics, pretend that John Lennon actually wrote ” Hmm nana mh ing” instead of almost mouthing “Oops”.
Simon: A mess. All over the place. Weakest performance so far. Should have stayed back at the condo and watched the show on TV. Oh, no, sorry; David should have gone with the Stevie Wonder version. But isn’t this supposed to be Beatles night? Oh, nevermind.
Me: Overall, finds all those judges bizarrely on point tonight.So that’s it for the top 12. My final thoughts:
David Rock Cooked, and so did Carly. Best moment: I think when Chikezie showed that he can kick serious butt when he wants to. Don’t let me down, dude!
Who will go: I’d say Kristy. Who should go: I’d love to hear Kristy do a country version of “New York, New York” so I’m gonna root for Ramiele. Who will still be with us next week, but anyway. I’m off to root. Later!