OK, recap time…
Did you notice my lack of enthusiasm?
First of all, I want to clear up a couple of things:
If the very text that you’re reading very here at this very moment happens to appear very lumped up together and without paragraphs, it’s WordPress’ fault. I found out two days ago that WordPress and the ‘Enter’ key don’t always get along.
So please don’t send me requests for more paragraphs, because I’m really trying. 🙂
However, you’re welcome to bug WordPress and ask them to fix that problem. 🙂
I’d love you for it. 🙂 And I wouldn’t be the only one. 🙂
Turns out many of us WordPress.com bloggers have the same problem. Which confirms to me that I am not crazy. And also confirms that I’m blogging on buggy software. Ah, well.
Another thing, I don’t tape the show, I just take all my notes during the live show, which is sometimes a bit rushy; so forgive for the potential inaccuracies that I may involuntarily report, and feel free to correct me in the comments section below, if you find me to be way too full of shit.
And last thing, since this is a “Delayed Live Recap”, in order to keep my perspective fresh and untainted by outside influences, I’ve carefully avoided all Idol related message boards and websites since last night’s show. Which is proving tough; I’d just love to go yabber on the Idol board right now.
But I won’t. First things first.
So let’s recap the damn thing.
Anyway, what did you guys think of the show? Did you enjoy it?
Two Beatles in a row… Two too much? Maybe Simon was right?
Honestly you guys, I didn’t like it. I’m feeling uninspired tonight.
I didn’t like any of my favourites as much as usual, I thought the energy was overall low, I disagreed with Simon most of the night, apart from when he said “It’s a weird show” and solved the “Beatles x 2 = 2 much” equation.
And disagreeing with Simon always makes me doubt my judgment, even if it shouldn’t.
Even My David, man, he pulled a Constantine tonight, what with all the eye-fucking and the smug expressions, and the winks and the pouts and that wa-wa gadget that the second I saw it, I thought to myself: “He’s fucked himself up. They’re gonna tell him that this was self- indulgent.”, because that’s what I thought myself.
And that pissed me off, man. I don’t want to see My David morph into an over-confident smug asshole dripping with attitude in front of my very eyes.
One of the things that made me fall in love with My David in the first place, was his love for crossword puzzles. First because as a fellow word-nerd, I can relate. And also because during that clip, he came across as modest, a little geeky, and incredibly charming and sexy, because as Paula said it, women do like smart men and she’s damn right. Personally, I find intelligence to be a major turn-on. Pair it up with good looks and talent, and I’ll follow you to the end of the rainbow, if you want me to.
On the other hand though, cockiness is not hot. (It’s hard to focus when you have the words ‘cockiness’ and ‘David Cook’ in the same sentence, I find… Pardon me…) But, yeah, didn’t like the attitude. At all.
I’ll even go as far as saying that he actually made me like Jason Castro a lot more tonight.
I do believe that Jason is aware that his unassuming, unobnoxious (is that a word?) attitude makes him likable, but the bottom line is that he is very likable. And I totally fall for the goofy, unassuming shtik.
Anyway, I digress. These are just my first post-show overall impressions. Let’s get to the specifics now.
So, top 11, recap.
Wow. That’s a lot of notes for such a lackluster show. 6 pages of notes to decipher. As Kristy would probably say, hee-haa!
I missed the first couple of minutes, so I’ll spare you my notes on the judges’ opening comments, since I have no idea what they relate to.
We do find out that someone, somewhere, finds Simon sexy. I’m watching the show at my friend’s, on his new big flat screen TV, the one which comes with a remote control that is longer than my foot, and I don’t find Simon all that sexy, really. And I don’t know if it’s the antenna, or the controls or what, but his hair looks gray tonight.
Simon says that he wants the contestants to sing well.
What an enlightening opening statement.
So do I, sorta. Actually, what I want, is for them to be either really really good, or really really bad. But funny bad. Sanjaya bad. So bad it’s almost good.
We’re treated to a ‘Beatles’ bio for dummies’. Tell me something I don’t know. Were you at all aware that they sold out the first stadium, or something to that effect?
Amanda looks prettier without make-up, I find. She’s gonna sing “Back in the USSR”. I’m like “Yeah, rock’n’roll!”
Amanda wants to bring that song the Southern flavour, the Growl, and she also wants to sing a song that will allow her to put some black eyeliner on. (That make-up tip was brought to you by Amanda, the Southern rockin’, Harley ridin’, Growlin’ nurse.)
She opens with the same: “Are you ready?”, as last week. To which I want to reply, yes Amanda, as long as it’s past 8 pm, not yet 10 pm, and there are no commercials on, we are ready.)
I like her energy, but I’m not sure about the vocals, though. But it looks like she’s getting much more confident on stage, she plays off the crowd a lot tonight, especially after the song.
Dawg sez: The beginning was pitchy, he was having issues with… something that I can’t read, but that has to do with bluesy… something else that I can’t read either. Basically, he gives it a 7/10, something that seems pretty fair to me.
Paula: Thought it was sketchy at first and that Amanda was ahead of the beat. Basically what Randy said, but better, because my notes for Paula are much clearer than the ones for Dawg.
The important thing in all that though, is that Paula used the word ‘sketchy’. That means that Paula is sober tonight, you guys. She would never use a word such as ‘sketchy’ if she was on E, as usual. Normally, she’d say “You were green tonight, and your colours are Fall, so you need more brown in your singing.”
Sober Paula adds that Amanda is quintessential and that she loves her, but not in a chemical “I really love you man” kind of way.
Sorry, but sober Paula always throw me off; by now, I have developed a natural tendency to automatically decrypt Paula’s feedback, so when it makes sense, my internal Paula decoder gets a bit confused. Pardon me, sober Paula is still a new trend, but I will catch on.
Simon: “It was what it was.” Meaning: predictable, and that Amanda is in danger of becoming boring. I kind of agree with him a little, but..
…But then again, since I’ve known they would have a (as in ONE, not two) Beatles night, I was hoping to hear Amanda sing Helter Skelter. I want to hear Amanda sing bluesy songs, and rock songs, because that’s what Amanda does. Amanda rocks. She’s a rock chick. With access to 0.09% of the Beatles catalogue, which gave her the choice between Back in the USSR, or Not Helter Skelter. So she went for Back in the USSR. Had I been Amanda, I probably would have done the same thing, and picked a rock song.
BTW you guys, Carole King is on Colbert right now, so I will be right back.
OK, back. Carole just sang that song that I forgot the title of, while playing the piano, pretty cool. Oh yeah, I remember this song now, it’s called “Brooke’s wet drea…”
Oh, I’m sorry, no it’s not. Brooke doesn’t dream R-rated. I forgot.
Back to Simon ruining Amanda’s chances to escape the bottom 3 next week.
(By the way, who are VFTW voting for this week, anyone knows? If they stuck with Amanda, they’ll be celebrating tonight, ‘cos’ Simon just crucified the Growlin’ Nurse. Anyone? No?
Wait here then, I’ll go check.
Yup, they stuck with Amanda. Bastards will be laughing tonight.)
Personally, I’m conflicted about that performance, to be quite honest. I agree with both PR (Paula/Randy) and Simon. So my final verdict is : mixed salad.
Then Ryan comes on, and … Amanda keeps talking?
She’s sayin’ ballads are boring? That she has 1.30 (as in a minute and a half, not an hour and a half) to show America what she can do, and then, she said something that sounded like “That SHIT looks like fun”. For accuracy’ sake, I had to YouTube that moment, and the reality is unfortunately much tamer. She actually said “That CHICK looks like fun”. Damn. Just when I thought Idol was becoming fun and wild, and that maybe Brooke would take it upon herself to just walk away from that R-rated environment instead of hanging around and pissing me off until May.
Anyway, while Amanda is daydreaming about filling stadiums and arenas, Simon interrupts her, to say that she shouldn’t jump the gun because she hasn’t sold out yet, and then this looong dialogue ensues, and they both wanna be right, and it goes on for ages, crushing my already minuscule hopes that this would be a 90 minutes show.
I find myself bizarrely relieved when Ryan finally shows up to move things along. and bring us to commercial. I really need the loo.
Kristy ‘hee-haa’ looks nice tonight. I like the shiny black dress. I would wear that, actually. It looks like you could ride a bike no problem with that dress, providing you wear the appropriate undergarments.
Back to Idol, we find out that Kristy looks at her photo-album everyday; it contains pics of her dog, Autumn, (Ah, funny, that was the answer to one of the two Jeopardy questions that I got right tonight!)
There is also a pic of her horse, who’s making sort of a face. That’s because she was spraying him (or her) with vinegar when the pic was taken. That’s to keep the flies away. (I make a little note of that tidbit on the corner of my page. Might come in handy come summer. I guess I’ll find out, after I’ve sprayed my whole apartment with vinegar, whether or not Kristy was bullshitting when she said that.)
It has come to Kristy’s attention that she was always the “last man standing” at every elimination.
However, she says, she really likes her song this week. What does that mean? That she didn’t like last week’s? But …then, why… Need I go further…?
Yes I do, ‘cos’ it gets better. She picked “You gotta hide your love away”. Because she liked the title.
Which triggered her to then listen to the song, and guess what? Turned out the song was as good as its title! Isn’t that great?! (Seriously, what are those kids listening to these days? You’re that musically ignorant that you’re unable to pick a Beatles song because you LIKE it? WTF?)
The song starts very dramatic. ‘National anthem for a hockey team that knows it’s fucked for the rest of the season’ dramatic.
Kristy’s in the low register, and she stays there. She does the same weird moves like she did last week, and then towards the end, she throws that one nice big note, like she did last week, but personally, I preferred last week. At least, last week was entertaining. This week, she ended up singing “Youuu, gotta hiiiiiide your love awayyyy” 10 times in 100 seconds. It’s a lot. I wrote “Repetitive”. And now that I’m re-reading, I re-remember whyyyy.
Dawg: This is one of his favourite songs, and he found the arrangements “interesting”. That’s what you say when you’re actually thinking: “WTF”, but can’t say it because Idol’s a family show. Randy also says that the big note at the end was cool, but it would have been a lot cooler had it arrived a lot earlier and had told other, smaller notes, to go big too.
And I wholeheartedly agree with Dawg, on this one.
Oh, my. She’s dead meat. Bye-bye Kristy. Sober Paula just told her that she looked gorgeous, and that is NEVER good. Even when Paula’s high as a kite when she says that, it’s bad, so imagine sober Paula. Kristy’s out, guys.
For the rest, Paula basically agrees with Randy that the whole thing was too safe.
Simon says that Krist-Hee needs hypnosis. And that in spite of how bad a performer she is, it was still better than last week. (Which I disagree with, personally.) But that in spite of how bad it was today, it still wasn’t bad enough that the folks at VFTW would actually choose her as their pick instead of Amanda.
Simon thinks that the only way Kristy will have any impact on the audience’s short-term memory is by being really really terrible. Hey, talk of a back-handed compliment. Ouch. So no, I reckon Kristy wasn’t bad enough, which means she’ll be gone next week.
As for me, once again, I find myself not caring about the performance. Very blah. I’m a tough one to win over tonight.
Kristy fiercely defends herself: ” I’m new to Beatles sing. (She did say ‘Beatles sing’). But I can blow you out of your socks”.
I know what you boys are thinking right now, but you can’t say or do anything, because Brooke is in the room, and she don’t like dirty talkin’; or even dirty thinkin’, for that matter.
Ryan’s very subdued tonight, I find, so I can only assume that he’s read my review from last week and wisely decided that it was better to tone it down, if he wanted to get my vote. Good for him.
So Ryan and Kristy laugh around, and say “It’s hot” a lot, and Kristy laughs some more, because at this point, it’s pretty much the only thing she can do without looking like a right twit.
Then Ryan pronounces the words “David Archuleta”; immediately, 16 prepubescent girls pass out.
Then Wittle David appears on the screen, and 16 millions pre-pubescent girls worldwide pass out simultaneously.
But that won’t be a problem, since the Idol bigwigs have purposely scheduled Wittle David early in the show, so that the passed-out pre-pubescent girls have plenty of time to recover, and be in top-shape for voting time.
Wittle David says he forgot the words last week. No shit, really??? Never noticed, dude. Although I did find you looked funny up there, for about 45 seconds of the 90 your song lasted.
But Wittle David realized that in spite of that teeny fuck-up, he had to keep going, and that he now needs to show that he can do the Beatles, and he’s gonna show it by singing “The long and winding road”; and just as he says that, hundreds of pink , yellow, and blue butterflies fly by to say hello.
I smell good old Wittle David cheese, all freshly pasteurized.
He changes the melody a bit, and I absolutely cannot deny that the kid can sing. And to reinforce that point, my buddy, the one with the flat TV, who has caught like two episodes of Idol this season, says “Hey, he’s pretty good.”
Although I don’t really want to, I have to say that yeah, when in his element (syrupy, sugar-stuffed ballads dipped in honey), Wittle David is actually good. I don’t sympathize, but I can somehow understand why all these Wittle girls are simultaneously passing out on their extra-thick pink rug; Wittle David has Power, man. The Force is with him, and It will stay with him even if next week, he forgets how to speak English, or even forgets how to speak all together.
To me, it’s a bit boring, but the kid gave me absolutely no reason to tear him apart. Not my cup of tea, but he’s just… good.
I’d love for him to give me something to make me wanna reduce him to papier mâché, but no such luck; I got my treat last week. And I don’t wanna pass for an arsehole for excoriating him for no good reason, so I’ll wait and cross my fingers that he’ll be assigned a Slayer song next week.
Randy: David brought the hotness back, baby! He thinks Wittle David coulda sang a coupla runs, y’know, but it was all good.
Paula, the eternal optimist, says that Wittle David rose above adversity. That it was exciting. That he was awesome. (I’m suspecting the bigwigs at Fox told her she was better saying that, if she wants her supply of Es to get there in time, so that she can get high again for next week’s show.)
Simon might as well go on the stage and start sucking Dav… Oh. I’m so sorry, Brooke. I don’t what is up with me tonight. I’m never like this usually.
He says: “That was amazing. Master class”.
All this hype almost makes me feel a little sick, as well as a teeny tiny bit sorry for that kid. It seems to me they’re up piling pressure on his shoulders like he’s Hercules or something.
They basically just told him (I’m really good at reading subtext) that last week’s mega-super-fucking-hugely-obvious screw up was in no way an obstacle to his winning the whole damn thing, and that since he didn’t forget his lyrics tonight, he would be safe for about another 10 weeks.
Meanwhile, Wittle David’s smiling into the camera and looks like he’s about to pass out from happiness, and everywhere, women, girls, and female children weep, scream and totally lose their shit; bras unhook by themselves; hands automatically reach for phones to dial His number right now, so that they can squeeze in that extra vote for Him.
Wittle David explains that he is stunned by all this positive feedback (i.e.: by what Simon just said) and that ballads allow for his sensitivity to come through. We all know that for Wittle David, a high level of sensitivity will translate into high record sales. So guys, brace yourselves; from now on, ballads it is, and that, until the end of the season.
I’m not a fan, but I can’t find it in my heart to even dislike him. He just makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, like when I eat too much chocolate.
Next up, is Aussie Mike. And tomorrow, Kellie “Ca-laa-may-ree” Pickler will come and sing a song (i.e.: plug something. Did she release a CD?).
Ryan reaches into the “moshpit”. Seriously you guys, they call this a moshpit. Too funny.
Last summer, I went to the Vans Warped Tour. THAT was a moshpit.
Idol moshpit, my ass. I could go for a nap in the middle of that ‘moshpit’. Pricks. Punk wannabes.
Anyway, Ryan reaches into the pep rally at the front, and grabs… Oh, it’s an I-Phone! That is really ironic, you know, because someone from the IMDB boards went to last week’s taping of Idol, and reported that the audience is not allowed to enter the studio with any kind of bag or purse, that all your items must fit in your pockets, and that if you try to bring in a bag, they’ll turn you away and tell you to go and put it in your car.
Methinks this a way to keep all recording devices out of the studio.
So the I-Phone then?
Well, I think it was PLANTED there. Yessir. I suspect this is nothing but shameless cross-promotion.
Hey, look at that, the three stooges, erm, judges are all brandishing their big COKE cup, with the word COKE facing the camera. Must you, really?
Gosh, they’re not even pretending to be an entertainment show anymore, instead of a big fat commercial with very high ratings…
We’re treated to a flashback of Michael Australia singing “Bohemian Rhapsody”. That was back in Hollywood, when Aussie Mike was still considered as a singer, and had not yet been demoted to his current status of ‘yummy-looking decoration’.
He loves the Beatles. That’s good news. At least he knows who they are, unlike Krist-Hee. Aussie Mike’s favourite Beatle song is “A day in the life”. I love it too, Michael. And apparently, so does Paul Mc Cartney. And rumour has it that John Lennon liked it too. And if Paul, John, Aussie Mike and little moi all agree that it’s a masterpiece, who the hell could argue?
And what the hell could go wrong? Well, Mike gives us a taste of what is just about to go wrong.
He explains “Well mate, “A day in the life” is a great song, but it’s hard to cram it all in 1.40″ (unless you sing it really really fast, that is; I betcha Eminem could do it.)
But instead of pulling an Eminem, Mike deconstructed the song, took out the best parts, stripped them off all the unnecessary fluff, then stuck the song back together using Crazy-glue and some blue duct-tape.
Then, a wave of estrogen-fueled mass hysteria among females ages 15 to 50 sweeps the nation.
I can only notice that Aussie Mike is possessed by a severe case of the Jim Morrison complex. From the sexy looks into the camera, to the way handles the mike-stand, his posture, everything about him screams “Jim Morrison wannabe”. The fact that the last time I really liked him was when he sang “Light my fire” doesn’t help me to dissociate him from the Lizard King one bit.
The song starts, “I read the news today, oh, boy”. Predictable and boring and? Oh, boy, damn right, what the fuck is going on here? Aussie Mike has just interrupted his own song with another song. But why? And why is he doing it again? This is terrible, you guys.
Do you know ‘A day in the life’? I shouldn’t have to explain this, but I know that I need to.
It starts slow, then there’s like an upbeat bridge in the middle of it, then is becomes all “A-ha-ha” symphonic and dramatic and stuff, then it goes back to the start. The only difference, is that the Beatles version lasts for several minutes, and the changes in rhythm don’t hit you across the face like a wet towel; they come subtly, cleverly, beautifully.
This mess sounds like Aussie Mike has been required to record a 90 seconds voice tape where he has to showcase as many different singing styles as he can, and he’s now sharing the end result with us. I’m just sitting there, wondering how this seemingly sane guy just could not see that there was no way in the bleeding world that his insane fast-forward version of this beautiful song would ever come even remotely close to working, let alone be forgivable.
I don’t care what you guys think, he deserves to bite the bottom 3 dust tomorrow, for this abomination. Trapdoor time for you, motherfucker.
Randy: “Check it out Dawg, you know what I’m gonna say, right?”
Aw. Trick question, that. I thought these guys were getting paid big bucks to give their opinion about the contestants; so why in heaven are we supposed to read their minds? C’mon, Randy, spit it out, Dawg.
Phew. Randy finally says that the song was wrong, that it didn’t work, that it certainly wasn’t Michael’s best, and I think Randy is being way too nice. I gather that they want to keep the Australian hunk around to provide eye candy and peace of mind to the women who feel uncomfortable at the idea of coveting Wittle David. I can’t blame them. If Wittle David was the object of my fantasies, I’d feel very uncomfortable and dirty and not right at all about it. Thank God for obnoxious, cocky or even very dull rockers. At least, those fantasies don’t make me feel like I’m a perv.
Paula says that Michael Australia was phenomenal during the rehearsal. It’s the second time in a week that I hear that. It’s TV, can’t they just cheat and show us the phenomenal rehearsals then, instead of the mediocre live show?
Paula, who was still sober up until now, suddenly begins to derail, and blames this musical catastrophe on the ear monitors that the contestants are wearing. Apparently, it fucks up their hearing faculties. If so, then why… ?
Simon says this has nothing to do with the ear monitor. At all. He thinks that Michael Australia stank like a steaming pile of dog poo, because this song simply doesn’t work in 1.30; to which I’d like to respond with a big old DUH!
Simon adds that it was a mess, that it was all over the place, that Michael Australia is better watch out for that giant trapdoor, and I hope like fuck that he’s right because that performance sucked hardcore. For the first time tonight, I have a real reaction. Too bad it’s like a completely and ultimately negative one.
Paula’s back on the ring with her “ear-monitors are evil” argument; turns out that Michael Australia is not actually wearing one. Bwahh! Hilarious! Boo, Paula, boo!
We’re treated to a bit of banter between Paula and Randy, because we didn’t get anywhere near enough of that last week. Paula, who’s feeling like an ass right now, decides to go all Nasty Simon on Aussie Mike, and tells him that if it’s not the ear monitor, then he’s better straighten himself out and raise his game next week, if he doesn’t want to be formally introduced to the trapdoor.
Michael Australia decides he’s had enough of getting shit flung at him, so he chooses his moment to pull out the sympathy card, and announces softly that he dedicated that song to a dear friend of his who had passed away.
Paula says “I’m sorry. I did not know that”.
(Survivor fans, am I the only completely heartless bitch to get a Johnny Fairplay flashback here? Not that it’s not true, but it just… came to me. Sorry about that.)
Ha, ha, and fucking ha.
It’s now Wednesday you guys, and I have been looking forward to recapping this part of the show for what seems to me like a looong time now. I’m gonna have a field day with this. That made my night.
Close-up on Brooke, who looks like she’s doing screen tests for a Colgate commercial. Big smile, big hair, big yellow everything. I love yellow. I also love Jack Daniels. But like everything, moderation tastes better. And also looks better.
Brooke is like super-happy, for a change. She went to Nova-Scotia! More precisely to Halifax!
Hey, that’s MY country, bitch! Get the hell out!
Oh. Apparently, she has family there, including a brand new niece. Damn. For administrative and legal reasons, it looks like I can’t prevent the bitch from spreading her R-rated happy yellow bullshit in my own nation. Great.
Back off, Brooke. We’re a nation of horny perverts, drinkers, sinners, potheads, and we believe in gay marriage. None of that Mormon crap over here. When in Rome, live like the Romans; well, when in Eastern Canada, live like the Eastern Canadians. Smoke a doobie, go to a bar, get wasted, then snort a line of coke before engaging in a threesome with a couple of drunken half-Irish boys while watching gay porn. That’s how we do it here. So save your Mormonisms for Idol, K?
Brooke tells us she’s overwhelmed. Us too. All that yellow really is overwhelming.
Flashback to “Let it be”. It was last week, so hardly a flashback at all, but Brooke doesn’t do hallucinogens. For Brooke, it’s an important song, the first one she learned to play on the piano when she was 7. All together, people: “AWWWW!…”
She’s going to sing “Here comes the Sun” (OMG. How yellow will this chick get? I instinctively reach into my purse for my sunglasses, but they’re upstairs. Shit, I hope watching that with unprotected retinas is not going to create permanent damage to my vision.)
She picked that song because it matches her yellow dress, her yellow hair, her yellow mind and the yellow set.
Are we done yet? Oh, we haven’t started. Oh, wait we have. But Brooke, being her usual bland, boring, predictable self, is probably why I hadn’t noticed.
Oh, wait, it’s getting really nauseating, you guys. Once Brooke, who is wearing some yellow chiffon fluffy little number, reaches the bottom step of the staircase, all hell breaks loose.
The song was pretty slow up to this point, so when Brooke twirls and goes “Wooo!”, I’m expecting the whole thing to pick up the pace and rock at least a tiny little bit, but no. The “Wooo” was just a teaser, and so is the rest of the performance.
I go “yuck” and the whole damn world goes blind, and that yellow overkill just won’t shut up, and is making these really really lame attempts to dance, and it’s really awkward and almost painful to watch. Brooke sways, and rocks the mike like she’s channeling David Cook pretending to be Axl Rose, all of the above with the Colgate smile, and I’m just laughing hysterically at this point because that’s usually what I do when I don’t know how I should react to stuff like very terrible yellow performers, for instance.
Guys, it’s over and I fucking hated every single one of the 92 seconds that this disaster lasted. I need a shot of something really strong and really harsh to wash all this orange cheddar down. Thankfully, bars are open till 3 am.
Barfly, I hope you have plenty of Jameson in your inventory, cos’ you’ll be selling a lot of it later on, if this show doesn’t get any better soon.
Randy: “What’s going down?” (We know the answer to that: NOT Brooke.)
So he thought the performance was awkward, she was awkward, her moves were awkward, that she didn’t connect with the song and even the “Wooo!” didn’t woo him. Didn’t woo me either, Dawg.
Verdict: Not hot. Woo-f!
Brooke retorts: “But I AM awkward!” Oh, just shut up, will you?
Paula’s E is kicking in, I think. She cannot help but smile, she loves the yellow dress for the sun, (B.A.R.F.) , that Brooke’s lower notes show other colours than yellow (Note: Rachel is rolling her eyes something REALLY REALLY BAD right now.)
Then Paula goes on to give her crap about being too safe, and then makes up for it by kissing Brooke’s ass and telling her how lovable she is. (Funny, me, after this, I find her more ‘hatable’, but hey, who gives a fuck what I think, right?)
Simon: He had this nightmare last night, that Brooke would be singing “Here comes the sun” dressed in yellow, bathing in yellow lights, and that it would make all of us turn green.
Turns out it wasn’t only a nightmare, it was also a premonition. For psychic advice, please ring Simon Cowell at 1-866- IDOL-666.
Simon deemed this atrocity a “terrible performance that lacked conviction and was wet”. Yes. Wet. W.E.T.
But I didn’t get the impression that ‘wet’ was any good though.
For some reason, Brooke, maybe in reaction to the yellow overload she surrounded herself with, loses it, and, confusing Idol with the local granola coffee-shop where she performs her spoken-word act when she’s not making an ass of herself on television, gets into a tirade that I’m only half-listening to because I’ve heard more than I need to from Brooke tonight. I want the bitch to fuck off backstage and spread her yellow in the green room.
It’s still going, you guys, but I’m not quoting all this crap. I’m like you, just waiting for it to be over.
She has a plan for next week. Oh no. Please don’t bring her back. Please don’t vote for her. Please?
FINALLY. Bye-bye Sunshine. About time.
IT’S MY DAVID NEXT!!!
I’m sorry, I didn’t really take notes, because I was watching.
Which I almost wish I hadn’t done. Had I not caught My David mugging and pouting his way through his (great) performance, I would still love him as much as I did an hour ago. But right now, I want to throw a glass of ice cold water in his face to bring him back to reality and shrink his head back to its rightful proportions.
I’ve stated earlier why My David irritated me tonight, so I’ll not go into too much details, and anyway, I think all of you also caught, like me, glimpses of that good old Constantine, who made you feel violated even though you were just sitting there watching him on TV, right?
My David looks so fucking cute tonight, it almost hurts. I don’t know what kind of Magical Make-Over they submitted him to (maybe that “Maybelline make-up for men: it’s not visible. It say so on the box” for you, SNL fans out there 😉 ) Regardless, My David looks as hot as hell tonight.
I don’t remember what he was babbling about during the pre-performance clip, but he did say that he was going to do “Day tripper, but the version from Whitesnake, which is faster and funkier.
Funny how he credited Whitesnake… Did he get burned a little by that pan of boiling oil that Dexology threw in his direction last week?
I’d say yes, he did.
And My David rocks. I absolutely LOVE it. Love the song, the version, the voice, the rocker demeanour, I love everything. I love the cute flirtatious looks he throws me. I love his little wink here, and his little pout there, and that other little smile, and that sexy little glance, and it was all really hot for a while, but now he’s starting to look like he’s got mild Tourette syndrome, what with all the winking and pouting and mugging and all that. He sounds great though.
But when he switches mikes to go make noise with that gadget that I apologize for not knowing the name of, but that goes ‘wa-wa-wa’ I immediately thought: “He fucked up. That was a mistake. Simon’s going to call this self-indulgent, and I will have to side with him. He’s gonna say that this is a singing competition, not a wa-wa-wa competition, and I will have to side with him again.”
And maybe it’s just me, but it seemed like the wa-wa-wa went on for quite a bit too.
I didn’t really write anything. P/R thought it was great, I imagine. Don’t have time to YouTube it. I’d like to finish the this recap before the results show, so I have to buckle down; no more time for accuracy.
Simon said that it was smug (ha! Me too, Simon), predictable, and that “Hello” was much better. Oh yeah, and that the wa-wa-wa was a stupid thing to do.
Ah, great minds…!
The criticism doesn’t seem to deter My David from committing to more copious amounts of shameless eye-fucking, to the point where it’s actually getting rather annoying. Then he pretends to fall on the floor, and then there is some nonsense with Ryan and the wa-wa-wa gadget, and I find the whole show tonight to be rather tedious and frustrating.
In spite of all that I said, I still love My David, but I don’t want him to turn into Mr. Rocknoxious, so I hope this week, he learns to reconnect with his nerdy, more modest self.
When we come back, Ryan is at the judges’ desk , ready for Paula’s weekly “Animals 101” special. After mutts and horses, this week, we change species radically: birds. Blackbirds and sparrows, to be more precise.
Next up is Carly. They’re showing that fucking bit where Simon brings up the Kelly Clarkson comparison AGAIN. (They’ve showed us that damn clip at every show, enough already. We know that you have the hots for her, Simon, but I’m sure you can wait for another 10 weeks, can’t you?)
Then they show us an audition clip, and. Oh, no. Not again.
Well, yes, Simon’s bringing up Kelly Fucking Clarkson again. WTF is it with this incestuous obsession of Simon with Kelly Clarkson and Carly? Does he want a threesome with them? (Don’t look at me like that, as if I had a dirty mind! I’m sure you’ve wondered about it too!)
Carly is going to sing “Blackbird”. It’s the first song she learned on the guitar, one that her big brother used to sing to her, and points out that she hasn’t sung any ballads yet, which is true.
Carly is wearing this horrendously ugly, busy little red-orange top which makes her look like she’s carrying Simon’s post-Idol-season child.
She sticks mostly to the low register, and even there her voice is still very strong. Towards the end, the bigger voice makes an apparition, but I’m not paying too much attention, distracted that I am by Carly’s facial gymnastics. Has she been doing the nasty with My David, and he contaminated her with his mild case of Tourette? Or she contaminated him with hers?
What the fuck did they put in the water tonight? Something that is obviously working well for Paula, but not for the rest of them. They’re all really annoying tonight.
Carly keeps on being super-dramatic, with big eyes, then no eyes, then squinty eyes, then big eyes again, all in a very close close-up, and I feel like I’m watching some bizarre artsy short for a while. I’m not sure I like this.
My buddy intervenes that she’s boring. And I remember, last month, when we watched Idol together, he liked her.
Randy: Thought it was all very nice and controlled.
Paula: That Carly has an amazing tone, that she loves her inflexions something-something, that she loves this season but I can’t read why.
And then in return, Carly kisses some major ass, in preparation for the axe that might be just about to fall on her Irish head.
Simon is like me, tonight, in a foul mood. Carly’s song choice wasn’t smart, it was self-indulgent. (Hey, that one was reserved for My David, Simon, where’s your head at, dude?!) Basically, Simon didn’t like it, and neither did I.
And seriously, can someone please tell me once and for all what the fuck is up with those kids tonight?
Here’s how it goes: Do you remember Sunshine Yellow, who performed earlier on tonight? Turns out that her spoken-word act came in two parts, and Carly’s taking care of act 2.
She starts this completely OTT tragic monologue about how she’s been beaten down by the music industry and she’s like a blackbird, and then some more symbolic bullshit, and I don’t know about you, but I can see
Exasperation is waving at me from the corner of the room, and I’m just about to piss off with her to Barfly for a shot of Jameson.
Seriously, what is it with all the speeches tonight? Is it the Academy Awards syndrome? They’re all thinking that they’re the next Jennifer Hudson, and that a year from now, they will all go pick up their Oscar, but they want to start practicing their speech early, so that they’re prepared for when they actually get there, and don’t run out of words like Wittle David last week?
Seriously, dude, what’s up with tonight?
STFU, Carly! She finally concludes by telling us the most important things for her, is her marriage to Tattoo-Man, and Idol.
And also her torrid affair with Simon, but that’s for later.
Ok, I REALLY have to take it easy on the notes from now on. This is taking forever.
That’s the problem with stupid shows like last night. It sucks so much that it leaves me plenty of time to take notes. If it had been better, I would have taken more time to watch, and been left with less time to write insignificant shit.
Jason!!! I’m happy to see Jason, I don’t know why. He puts me in a good mood.
Jason charmingly says that his song from last week was not good at all, that he completely bummed his final note, but that it doesn’t matter because no one cares. Ha, he’s adorable! Really sweet guy. I’d so totally smoke a joint and get all giggly and silly with him. Then we could go to the arcade, both really high, and race virtual cars together.
Maybe after he’s finished the Idol tour, we can do that.
Jason decides to pick something more dynamic tonight. Like “Michelle”. Huh? Michelle is dynamic? Since when? Maybe the weed makes him hear the song slower than it actually is, but now that he’s straight, it sounds to him like it’s speed-metal? I’m trying to figure this one out, but I can’t. If you can think of any other possible explanation, please leave it in the comments section below. I will give you credit for it. Thanks. 🙂
So Jason is feeling a lil’ overwhelmed because he’s had to take intensive French classes in order to be able to sing the ever-so challenging line of “Michelle”, that goes:
“ma belle, sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble”.
Please. French is my first language, Jason, and this is NOTHING. Don’t be a pussy, now, Jason. That can wait until you REALLY start to learn French. Be happy that you didn’t decide to sing “Saskatchewan”, because THAT is a bastard.
Ryan announces, with a semi-bearable French accent that Jason is just about to take the stage…
Without his guitar. Like a big boy.
I really like it actually. He sticks to the same square-foot for a good chunk of the song, and when, with impeccable timing, he takes the mike off the stand, female hysteria ensues.
He pulls some really cute goofy moves, and he’s light-years away from all that COOKie smugness that we witnessed earlier, and it’s really refreshing, I find.
I really love it. It even improves my mood by half-an-iota. He plays off the crowd really well, and I feel a tiny bit happier after that performance.
Randy calls it “A little interesting”, whatever that may mean. He didn’t find Jason really connected with that song. (Jeez, they do throw that ‘connected’ word around a hell of a lot tonight, don’t they? What happened to ‘pitchy’, Dawg?)
Paula says that Jason has a distinctive charm (which he does), and that’s what make girls take their clothes off when they see him (which they don’t, because Idol is, after all, a family show). However, she finds him disconnected (hee) without his guitar, she accuses him of turning Michelle into a polka, and just thought the whole shebang was awkward.
Simon says “This is a weird show” I SO agree. I’d even go further and say that it is a very crappy show, but that’s just me.
Then Simon shows us that he is, after all, only human, and that he too makes mistakes; mistakes like trying to get your bucks worth of Beatles songs copyrights by having two Beatles weeks back to back, for instance. This shitty Beatles week is fucking his good memories of last week’s fantastic Beatles week. (Besides Syesha, Ramiele, Michael Australia, Naughty David, Wittle David and Krist-Hee who all stank last week, the other two were OK.)
Simon makes a good point though, which is that it was Jason’s face who sold the song, and not his voice; had he heard that on the radio, he would have paid no heed. He adds that Jason is very charming, not obnoxious, and that his goofiness is what made it work, and although I hate to admit it, he is right.
I totally bought the good looks and the goofiness, and I’m not even Jason’s biggest fan, so if Simon says it and I experience it first hand, then it must be true.
Ah, this thing is finally coming to an end. Phew.
Syesha is next.
Tonight, she is sporting straight hair, which I like, as well as a lot of boobage, which I didn’t know she had that much of. She also has proud parents in da house.
Her most memorable moment, was her horrific memories of sitting above a giant trapdoor last week. It really freaked her out, she says.
Actually, no she doesn’t say that; what she says though, is that it gave her that swift kick in the butt that she needed to wake up and bring it on.
She picked “Yesterday” because when she was in mid-school, she performed in a Beatles medley, and that song really stuck out for her; the first time she listened to it, it brought tears to her eyes, and c’mon Syesha, get over the soppy shit already, because I really want to love you, but don’t make it too hard on me please.
She concludes by saying that she wants to touch everyone tonight. Fair enough. And “Yesterday” is a pretty good song to achieve that kind of goal.
It’s just her and an acoustic guitar for what appears to me to be a good portion of the song. Arrangements do sneak in, but so subtly, that I can’t pinpoint exactly when. She has a couple of bum notes, but as far as I’m concerned, she achieved her goal, because I’m listening, which must mean that she touched me. I really like it. It’s subdued, but in a very good way, a not-diva-just-Syesha way. She better not go anywhere come tomorrow.
Now if the judges tell her that she didn’t connect, Idol might want to think about re-allowing cell phones in the studio. Because if that didn’t connect, I don’t know what will. Besides cell phones.
Randy: Yo, you took some liberties and … (dramatic… pause…)… and it was a very, very, very, very good performance. (I’m not kidding guys, he did say ‘very’ 4 times, it’s in my notes.)
Paula: Finds it nice to see Syesha showing her vulnerability, and that she connected with the song, the audience, the universe, and thank you Paula for your always positive New-Age vibrations.
Simon: Thought that it was her best performance, although it wasn’t incredible. He then accused Syesha of pinching Sunshine’s song.
But all in all, he liked the arrangements, and tonight was good enough that she should be safe tomorrow. I hope so. Good work girl, I’m happy for ya! 🙂 (I don’t know why, I just have this unfounded fondness for Syesha, don’t ask.)
Note: I predicted that this would happen. A lot of people had already published Syesha’s Idol obituary, and I said, no, I’m not burying her just yet, because I think she’s gonna pull a Chikezie. Weeel, look at that! My girl did good! Not quite a Chikezie, but good. Good enough I hope.
When we come back, Ryan is in the audience, tormenting some poor guy about ITunes. The guy is old enough to have known the Golden Age of Vinyl, and probably couldn’t give more of a fuck about what might sound to him like Ryan speaking a foreign language that sounds just like English, but isn’t.
Last, but not least: CHIKEZIE!!!
I’ve been looking forward to this one. He was just such a nice, unexpected big cuddly ball of joy, fun, and energy last week, that I’m totally into him now, and I’m very curious to see what he’s gonna come up with.
Chikezie’s most memorable moment occurred back in Hellywood, when he scored a good comment from each one of the judges.
He’s happy to have the opportunity of working with such an amazing songbook, and we learn that his favourite Beatle is John. Me too, I think. Although, I’m not totally sure. I’ll have to think about it, and get back to you.
Chikezie is going to sing “I’ve just seen her face”.
Chikezie says that for his performance, he wanted to play an instrument.
Only problem: he’s never played an instrument.
I mean: ?
I have so many questions that spring to my mind right now, I can’t possibly type them all. But “WHY THEN WOULD YOU WANT TO SOMETHING SO FUCKING STUPID?” does come to mind.
So Chikezie opts for suicide by harmonica. To each his own.
It starts off pretty slow, too slow. Actually, I can’t wait until this thing speeds up. I want a repeat of last week, when he fools me with his quiet shit, then all of a sudden, springs to life and makes me want to dance.
And… and he does it again! Yeay! And again I love it. It’s almost bluegrass, and I really like it, and I find it totally works. Chikezie finished the job started by Jason (re-establish my good mood), and in my book, passes with flying colours. Even his couple of quick runs on the harmonica weren’t horrendous at all. The only thing that annoyed me a little with the harmonica, was that because he needed to be near the mike to use it, he didn’t move around much. And I liked his running around like a chimp so much last week, that I was hoping for seconds.
Regardless, for me, very good.
Final verdict of the night:
Randy: Check it out, there were good and bad parts. (I’m guessing the good parts were the fast-paced ones, because they’re the ones I liked.) Yup. Dawg and I are on the same page on this one.
However, Randy thought the harmonica was strange, man, strange. Why? What is so strange about a harmonica? Methinks Randy spends too much time with microphones, and has started to develop difficulties in identifying other instruments. That can happen when you spend a lot of time with Paula Abdul. It can fuck with your mind.
Paula: Thinks that Chikezie is showing who he is: he started off in ballad-mode, and was on pitch, and then turned around halfway, to show a different side of him, a fun, high-energy side, during the latter, faster second part of the song. So in 1.30, Chikezie did it again, and exposed the full scope of who he is.
I kind of agree with that, although I still prefer upbeat, crazy Chikezie by a mile and a half.
As for Simon, he’s got it all wrong. Maybe he accidentally switched Coke cups with Paula, because he says that it started off OK, but then, the atrocious harmonica magically turned what was a very good song into “Achy-breaky heart”. WTF?
He added that it was gimmicky and not as good as last week.
Totally forgot about Ramiele. I thought I was done. FUCK.
Gosh I can’t wait for this group to shrink to three people, so that I can be done recapping before the actual end of the show.
(By the way, you guys that read up until this point, I apologize for the reaaally reaaally looong recap. It won’t happen again. I hope. For both your sake and mine. Thanks for sticking around.)
Ok then, come here, Ramiele.
This is Ramiele you guys, I almost forgot her because she was hiding in a drawer and I mistook her for a toy.
OK, you probably already know my math for this one. Ramiele = Boring.
Her most memorable moment is right now. The new friends that she made here, who have to be your friends, because you’re kinda stuck with then all day.
She is BFF with Brooke, and views My David as a big brother figure who takes care of her and puts headphones on her head cos’ they’re too big and heavy for her to lift them up all by herself.
So, what the others, those cynical bastard contestants who live in reality see as competition, Ramiele sees as a big happy yellow family.
And she’s picked an upbeat song, this week, for a change. Really? Good.
The song is either “I shoulda known better”, or “I should have known better”, depending on whether you want to sing in proper English or not.
She’s wearing a hat and these ridiculous pants that come up almost all the way to your nose, and she’s barely opened her mouth to sing, that I’m already thinking :”This girl is cut to sing ballads. Her voice requires big songs, because they contain big notes, and big notes are what Ramiele does. I don’t like ballads, but I think I like this even less.
It’s too poppy, and it just doesn’t work for me at all. And I’m not being a bitch here. I give her props for at least trying to play style-switcheroo, just too bad it didn’t work. The song’s cute, Ramiele’s cute, her hat’s cute, and that’s just way too much cute for such a tiny bundle. A bit like Sunshine and her yellow everything.
Second and last of the final verdicts:
Randy: Is not jumping up and down. Well, I can see that, Dawg. Not that you usually are, but keep going.
He thought she picked a happy-go-lucky song, and that it was just alright. If what I can pick out of this gibberish is what I think it is, then I agree with Randy.
If not, then I’m right, Randy’s wrong, and therefore I should be offered his job, at a slightly lesser pay, because I’m prepared to make concessions. At least for the first two years I am.
Paula: Thinks that ballads are better for her because they show her range. I totally agree.
Question: If I agree more than 5 times in one night with Paula, does that make me: 1) Demented 2) Intoxicated 3) Overpaid and irrelevant 4) Very receptive to whatever weird shit is up in the air tonight.
Please leave your answers in the comments section below. Thanks. 🙂
(Am I pimping that comments section thing too much? If you think yes, please email me and tell me why. If you think no, let me know by using the comments section below. Thanks. 🙂 )
Simon: Thought that Ramiele sounded like Chikezie on harmonica, or some very similar-sounding nonsense.
He also says that she has a great personality, but that tonight, she picked a mediocre song, which didn’t showcase the best of her abilities and that the whole thing was amateurish.
Then we have the recaps of the performances, but I ain’t going there. You got more recapping than you could ever wish for up there, and I, really, really need a fucking smoke, and I want to pay IMDB a visit to find out who is trashing who, and read the 691 new “OMG Amanda is GONE!!!!!” threads.
Because, yeah, I took a break from recapping last night’s show so that I could watch tonight’s show.
But because moi is a honest recapper, I’ll share my predictions with you, although they turned out to be completely wrong.
I didn’t have a bottom 3, but a bottom 4, which is close enough, considering we are now post-results show.
So I had Amanda and Krist-Hee as sure bottom 3 bets.
Then the other one was gonna be a toss-up between Syesha and Chikezie.
And then, all together, we would all get up, slap out butts, and exclaim ‘ Good-bye, Krist-Hee-Haa’.
But nope. Didn’t work as planned.
So my top performances tonight, were Jason, My David, Wittle David (yes, yes), Syesha and Chikezie. The rest, I don’t give a fuck about. Oh yeah, Michael Australia and Sunshine Yellow were really really terrible.
They other ones I don’t remember.
OK, I’m officially on break now. See ya at the results show recap!