In spite of all the hate mail I wish had been relentlessly sent to me by my 18 000 imaginary fans regarding my missing Idol results recap, I want to talk about something not all that close to my heart, but still: the Junos.
Before you start panicking, my regular recap is on its way. Like tonight, or tomorrow on its way.
And also, before you panic again, I’m not recapping the Junos. Which means you won’t have to spend half a day reading this.
I just wanted to make a couple of observations on the Junos, which aired at 8pm, and then, after some quick news, aired again around 11pm. We sure love our Junos, over here, and we just cannot get enough of them.
Mind you, the repeat was a good thing, since I missed the first half of the actual live show.
So for those of you who are not familiar with us Canadians, our Junos are basically the equivalent of your Grammys. The big music award thing, where everyone gets all dressed up in often ugly, but always very expensive clothes.
The only difference is that in Canada, our stars are total red carpet losers. Here, when asked “Who are you wearing?”, folks get all shifty and nervously ask their better half/mum/guest “Who am I wearing? Am I wearing anyone? Could this be retail? It IS retail, isn’t it?”
Anyway, as I’m watching this (don’t worry, I’m not taking notes), I’ve noticed a few things that I want to share with whatever tinier than Pikachu percentage of the world reads my stuff.
Like this, for instance: you know, say you score a nomination for “Single of the Year”, like it just happened to Feist, for her “1234” song. You’d figure that if you won, the song that’d be playing while you’re walking up the Alley of Victory would be… how about your ‘single of the year Juno winning song’ song? Right?
Not here. Here, they played another song. I don’t know which one, because I don’t own Feist’s “The Reminder” , but I do remember hearing it in one of the six or seven TV commercials that use a Feist song.
(FYI, “The Reminder” is the album that kicked everyone’s Junoed butt tonight, including Céline’s two albums. And that, my friends, is wicked. Hahaha!)
But as I was saying, ‘isn’t it ironic’ that they didn’t play “1234” as Feist was on her way to pick up her Juno for “1234”?
No one? Just me and Alanis? Ah well…
Another thing: you know like everyone has got a couple of really shitty songs they’re not feeling good about liking?
Well, I do too. For a long time, I was a closet “Hit me baby one more time” fan. Then I came out, and wish I hadn’t, because it made be the butt of many bad jokes.
This is why this time around, I thought that rather than opening up to my real-life “friends” about my embarrassingly guilty pleasures, it was preferable for me to reveal my “Girlfriend” skeleton online.
Oh, no, I’m not a lez. I mean the Avril Lavigne song “Girlfriend”. You and your dirty mind, you, hihi!
But anyway, I do like “Girlfriend”. Actually, there are a few Avril tracks that I dig. And that’s OK. We all have our weaknesses.
But what pisses me off, however, is that these days, Avril is going all Britney on us.
I did like Avril at the start: pissed off, moody, rebellious teenager, who was recycling her old socks as mitts and arm-warmers.
And I, as a fan of both Al Gore and American Idol, can only applaud her efforts to save the all the Socks of this world; but the ones of you who don’t watch Idol might not be in on the joke, so I’ll let it go this time.
But Avril, dancing? Frankly, Girlfriend, NO. It’s not for you.
First of all, you’re not good at it. You look awkward, your movements are jerky, and your hands are all wrong. Take a ballet lesson or two, and then we’ll talk again.
Second, it seriously gnaws on your “(bubble-gum)punk-rocker”credentials.
Third, you’re reminding me of Britney. And it’s not a good thing. I have three letters for you. Well four: VMAs. YouTube it, and think about me while you’re laughing your ass off, okay?
Seriously Avril, all that cheesy choreography crap is just not you, honey. Give it up, and don’t look back.
Or rather, do look back. Back to the times when you could still pass for a “punk-rocker”. No, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s call it by its own name, a “pop-punk rocker”.
But I do actually like pop-punk, and I liked you back in the day. So please, kick out your inner bimbo, and bring back the pouts and the snarls and leave the shitty dancing to losers like Britney, and to pros like Julianne-what’s-her-name. And stick to what you CAN do: singing and writing.
I actually believe that you have potential, and I can think of you still having a career in the music business 20 years from now. If you come back to the dark side, that is.
So ditch your pink dresses, your designer purses, and get back on that sk8board. OK, girlfriend?
Thanks. I knew you’d understand.
As for Michael Buble, I actually do like the guy, but man, on Idol, he would have gotten his ass badly kicked by John Stevens, no doubt about that. As long as it the theme was “Crooners”, obviously. I mean, John Stevens wasn’t exactly the most versatile singer around, but as a crooner, he crooned well.
And now that I think about it, maybe Michael B. should have delegated tonight. Like hiring John Stevens to sing for him, and focusing solely on his winning the Juno and giving his (great) acceptance speech, might have been a good idea.
Seriously, I was disappointed by his vocals. I do like him, he seems to be a great guy, he’s very funny, he appears to have a good stage presence, but the vocals? Not up to par, tonight, as far as I’m concerned.
A few more tidbits and I’m done.
Did you know that past “Group of the Year” winners include both Nickelback and the Waltons? Seriously, when you hear that on TV in both the same breath and same sentence, it’s funny. Yes, really.
And, keeping the best for the end, have I told you how fucking hilarious I find it, that Céline had the most nominations (six), two albums in the running, and she got her bony ass seriously kicked by Feist’s “The Reminder?”
I have? I’m so sorry. I’m a Montrealer y’see, and us Montrealers, have had Céline shoved down our throats to an almost inhumane point. So tonight was sweet revenge for me, baby!!!
And you know what? I’m still in stitches. It’s Monday afternoon, and I still get the giggles. Go Feist.
I’ll admit that I only know Feist’s latest songs from commercials, for the most part. These days, in Canada, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a TV where an Apple commercial is playing, along with one Feist’s songs. But hey, a girl’s gotta make a living, right?
Regardless, I really like Feist, I loved her Juno performance, and I’m glad she totally beat the shit out of Celine. So just for that, she gets my support for the whole year.
And Jully Black, in spite of not winning sweet fuck all tonight, (unless I missed something, that is), is still awesome.
So, go Feist, go Jully, you girls rock!!!!
And Avril? I’m watching you. Next year, I want to see my sk8er grrl back. Otherwise, I’m giving you a nickname and I’m starting to make fun of you on my blog. You stand warned.
And congrats to the winners, the losers, the Montreal Canadiens for fucking rocking and getting first place in their division, and see you next year!!!
GO CANADA, GO! AND KEEP ON ROCKING!!!