This week on the View: Where the F has all the good drama gone?

29 Oct

I started to write the following entry on Sunday, then halfway through, decided to go shopping, and ended up falling into a trap full of beer and white wine. I’d like to apologize for that, although the ensuing hangover was punishment in itself.

Originally, this piece was going to be a plea to Barbara Walters. A plea for the public humiliation of EH, live, on the air.

The reason why I was asking for this goes back to this week-end.

In fact, no, it goes back even further than that. Precisely, all the way to September 4th, when Hasselbeck introduced Cindy McCain at some Republican luncheon, and said the following:

Is it just me, or is this babbling about the View’s behind-the-scenes business in such a setting, both inappropriate and unprofessional?

Nevertheless, this little “indiscretion” never made its way into the Hot Topics. Not that I expected it to anyway. Barbara Walters is too damn averse to controversy, too concerned about her public image, that of a serious, professional and impartial journalist. And most of all, she is desperately determined to keep us believing that all is well behind the scenes on the View, in spite of the fact that at this point, we all know better, her included.

Regardless, I assumed that BW and the rest of the girls kept mum about this blunder (at least on the show) in order to save their conservative punching-bag from public embarrassment, which I thought was fair enough. Everyone can screw up once in a while, and I would have bet your bottom dollar that Babs and Bill gave her a good talking to about keeping the deals between ABC, the View producers, and their guests, private.

Or at least, one would think that they had brought it up to her and told her that a political luncheon wasn’t the right venue to air her View-related grievances. But maybe they didn’t bring it up, and she wasn’t told off. Or maybe they did, and she just decided to not give a shit about them and their crap about professionalism. Because this past week-end, at a Republican rally where she was to introduce new it-girl Sarah Palin, she did it again:

I will come back to this in a later entry, because during one of last week’s show, I really thought that the shit was going to hit the fan; at some point, Joy got extremely fired up, and I was almost surprised that she didn’t spit out “Maybe, if you had kept your big Republican trap shut, instead of bashing Michelle Obama at your luncheon, her husband would accept our invitation to come back on the show”. That day, Screech was being extraordinarily obnoxious, and ever since, I found myself nurturing secret hopes of either public humiliation, a catfight of epic proportions, or, preferably, both at once.

And so far, no luck, which is why I keep having to rewrite and re-adjust this damn entry that I can’t seem to be able to finish and publish already.

I’ve already written a good chunk of it, but thanks to the View who don’t do what I want or expect them to do, every passing day makes what I wrote earlier irrelevant. Thanks ladies. So since I can’t be arsed to rewrite all of it, I’ll just leave it as it was originally, and let you know all about the feelings I had at the time I wrote it, because I know how you all care so much about that.

On Sunday, after watching her introduction of Palin, I was fuming and calling loud and clear for a major on-air blasting of Screech, with the help of a large helping of swear words.

My entry’s title was:

“Screech on the View: Yeay or nay?” and the rest went like this:

********

“Screech” is now my pet name for Hasselbeck. But really, doesn’t it suit her just like a glove?

I know I’ve been promising you a retrospective of Screech’s best freakouts on the View, but why bother now? Girl has outdone herself today. And God knows I can take a lot of over the top drama. However, I’m not quite as tolerant when it comes to blatant gutless two-faced hypocrisy. The same-old-same-old day-in-day-out-even-days-off right-wing propaganda courtesy of “Sean” from Fox “News” used to be funny.

In fact, it was funny for a long time.

But all of a sudden, it got old.

Since today, in fact. More precisely, since her clever little dig at her View’s co-hosts, on the stage of a Republican Party rally. Although her blasting of Michelle Obama at a Republican luncheon a couple of months earlier had already rubbed me the wrong way. (See videos above.)

Now, please do tell me what the fuck the View, or whatever goes on behind its scenes, has to do on the stage of a convention or rally, be it Republican or Democrat?

Do I hear “Sweet fuck all!”?

Yes! You win a free Sharpie, which you can use to deface the campaign posters of your choice!

As I am asking once again the previously asked: “But isn’t this shit like, unethical?”, the ensuing: “Fuck, yeah!” is deafening.

I have written to the View several times in the past, and have made sure that my lengthy and carefully elaborated letters would get at least some attention, by posting them on a variety of message boards. (Yes IMDb posters, I have been whoring more than you thought. And I ain’t done yet, so gotcha motherfuckers!)

However, none of these multiple letters ever called for the firing or the -forced- resignation of Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

In fact, this one, -which really isn’t a letter by the way- isn’t either.

It’s more like an open and desperate call to the Mighty Barbara Walters (she is the boss after all) to give her resident neocon one of these so-cold-that you-wish-you’d-been-stuck-at-home-with-a-real-cold scoldings.

Come on Babs, don’t deny us this pleasure; it’s pretty obvious that at this point, you are no more in control of the monster you helped creating.

I’m actually not keen on the firing idea. I’d gladly settle for a nice and extremely well formulated expose on the stuff you should be expected to shut the fuck up about when you’re a panelist on an ABC talk-show, but fancy yourself a right-wing political analyst.

But, as an unconditional trainwreck loving fan of the show, I reckon you should make this a hot topic segment. Settle the score and verbally bitch-slap your Republican Barbie LIVE, ON THE AIR.

Then watch the roof explode when the ratings go through it.

********

To my extreme disappointment, on Monday’s show, the whole panel, minus Sherri, who has possibly started shopping for another job because she was away working on a movie, was infuriatingly calm and pretending to be all lovey-dovey. Screech’s speech at the rally was brought up, and a clip was shown, but it sadly omitted her questionable attempt at wit. The ladies then distracted us from our hopes for a complete blow-up by explaining how Palin’s clothes had become a distraction from the issues, yadda yadda yadda. Boring and eventless.

Babs did point out to Screech that if she thought it was inappropriate for the media to focus on Palin’s clothes (which isn’t the case anyway; they’re focusing on the fact that said clothes cost 150 grand), then for her to bring it up in the first place in her speech was rather dumb. Unfortunately, this sole negative remark was the equivalent of a weak slap on the back of the head, when what I was expecting was a series of powerful knock-out punches. So much bottled up excitement for this… Tsk…

But I figured that maybe they counted on Sherri to take care of the finger-wagging part, and were holding off the fight until the next day. So, after Monday’s show, I carefully crafted the dream speech that I would sell my soul to the highest bidder to hear Barbara say:

********

In spite of a rather tenacious hangover, I got up full of anticipation: Monday! The day when I get to watch Joy turn Screech into liver pate live on TV!!! The day when Babs stares at her for a whole minute before saying: “You know that we love you, here, at the View…”

Then, she’s interrupted by Whoopi’s noisy burst of laughter. Babs throws an icy glare in her direction, and then, looking back at Screech, continues:

“But Bill and I have had complaints again, Elisabeth. This time, not only from our liberal viewers, but also from many conservative ones, as well as a lot of non-viewers who hate our show. Oh, and we also received a thank you note from Senator Obama, who said he was grateful to the blonde for “her help and support for our cause, albeit from within the opposite camp.”

And this morning, we also got a phone call from a pretty angry Sarah Palin, who was accusing us of sabotage. Had Sherri been here today, I would have made her take the call, but unfortunately, it wasn’t the case, so I had to speak to Sarah myself, and let me tell you that she is nowhere near as folksy on the phone as she is on TV. Either that, or she’s not a morning person.

She basically said that we should keep our panelists in control, especially “that one”, meaning you, Elisabeth. She said that at least, the redhead and the Rasta one are not trying to prematurely screw up her shot at the presidency in 2012, and added that when we taped the last show, we should have put you in a gluten only cooking segment.

She then asked to talk to Bill, but she messed up his name and asked for Bill Ayers, instead of Bill Geddie.

And now, Bill is furious and going on about voting for Obama, just out of spite.

Elisabeth, this can’t last, things are becoming too chaotic around here. We have tried time and time again to bribe Fox News into taking you out of our hands, and everytime we’re about to break them, you have a fit, and soon enough, the bribe comes back with a note saying “Thanks but no thanks!”

This cannot continue, Elisabeth. So you’re either going to have to become a Democrat, or at least, if you want to remain a Republican, be a less embarrassing one. So I’m asking you nicely, be the sole voice of dissention on the show if you must, but you need to tone it down considerably, and then some more.

So no more partisan T shirts, no more early morning coaching sessions with Foxy friend Sean Hannity, no more calling Obama a terrorist, and, at Sarah Palin’s request, no more endorsing or adulating her.

And to conclude, I will ask that from now on, at the Republican events where you inexplicably get invited, you abstain from debunking the fibs I elaborate so that a small fraction of our viewers sort of buy that we can at least stand one another. We’re having more and more trouble booking people who are not cast members of the Hills. The only A-lister we’ve had on the show this season is Whoopi. And me, of course. I even apologized to Kathy Griffin and invited her back, but she just snorted and hung up on me.

And no one hangs up on me, Elisabeth dear. NO ONE. So I hope you understand, and remember that I love you dearly.

Moving on! So, this week-end, two of my “children” were doing a show in…”

So this morning at 11, this is roughly the scenario that I had in mind, give or take a few details.

And boy, or rather, Babs, was I disappointed.

Why, Barbara, why? Or rather, why not? I know you can’t stand her either! We all do! No one can stand her, not you, not me, not Joy, not Whoopi, even Sherri is barely able to mask her contempt at this point.

But all isn’t lost yet. We still have some time. Three whole brand new live shows, plus one fake non-live show, but nevermind this one, since that will be the Halloween show, the one where your contract dictates that you must play this silly “we are all friends who love eachother soooo much” charade, although you’ll all be wishing that all that fake blood was real, admit it.

But still, we have these three nice sparkling pre-election live shows starting tomorrow, Babs… If you are game, I can clearly foresee the possibility of a trainwreck that will make Paris Hilton green with jealousy. Think about it! The View will be on TV again! (On other shows than the View, I mean.)

And the ratings, Babs, the ratings! Don’t forget the crazy ratings you’ll be getting! The only thing that will be going up, while everything else around it is taking a dive: the economy, John McCain’s polls numbers, the Republican Party’s spirit… Don’t you love ratings, Barbara? They’re good for you, you know…?

Remember Rosie? She knows all about ratings, and she has obviously given Screech a few precious tips on how to attract them. Now, don’t flush all this potential down the toilet, it would be stupid. Do you really want to be remembered as the once respectable journalist who decided it would be a good idea to put five women at once on TV, but who later thought I’d be an even better one if two of them were Rosie O’ Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Depending on which way you look at it, this can be seen as either the best or worst professional decision of your career on the View.

However, if you’re thinking ratings, it was one hell of a decision. And now, the opportunity of your show making the news again has come-a-knockin’ one more time. And you’re gonna squander it? That would be such a shame…

Because newsflash Babs: you too need to get in the mud and fight dirty; just pretend you’re working for the McCain campaign. But yeah, you need to smack some sense into Screech on the air, and that is all there is to it. It’s not that I don’t respect your unwavering dedication to dignity in the workplace, but Babs, let’s face it, dignity is SO yesterday. Take a clue from your little pal Paris Hilton; she knows all about success, nothing about dignity, and look where that got her. Maybe you should consider getting a little mentoring from her.

Going back to Screech, unfortunately, creating a monster does not come without consequences, Babs; which is why I beseech you to seriously consider my request in this here blog entry, which I might as well call an open letter to you: Public humiliation of Screech, tomorrow, 11am. Actually, make that Wednesday; I want to give you a chance to read this properly, and then prepare in consequence. And if you find it to your liking, you’re welcome to use the script that I wrote, located above.

********

We are now Wednesday; three whole shows, three hours of mad potential for over-the-top dramatics, all that wasted. How depressing… And honestly you guys, at this point I’m losing hope, and I’m starting to believe I’ll have to accept the fact that Nuclear Wednesday was one of a kind, and shall not re-occur ever again in any shape or form. Babs didn’t even bother turning up at work for the last two days. It seems clear to me that after Monday’s show, she gave her “children” (yeah, right!) her instructions for the following days: “No fighting”, “Hate one another as much as you want, but make sure you fool the audience into believing the otherwise” and “You’re allowed 45 seconds of cross-talk and louder than average bickering on the show of your choice”.

With one live show now left this week, I’m honestly not expecting my dreams of sharp scarlet-red fingernails reaching out for eyeballs, handfuls of both fake and real hair scattered all over the set while producers and assorted crew members struggle to regain control of the ladies, to come true.

Of course, we still have next Monday and Tuesday. But given how lackluster the View has been this week, especially compared with last week’s numerous flashes of brilliance and glimpses of potential physical violence, I’m not going to let my hopes go sky-high again.

But then again, it will be election week by then, so who knows… They might all lose their shit and go postal on one another… This is, after all, the View, and Screech is still -for the time being, anyway- part of the cast. And remember that although many of us hate her guts, we still owe her every single one of the past two years’ best trainwreck moments… No small feat…

So stay tuned, and let’s all cross our fingers in hope that the ladies won’t disappoint over the next few days.

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