America’s best bad TV show returned last night, kicking off its eighth season in Phoenix, Arizona, and bringing along the good ole’ circus of colourful characters whom we all know and sorta tolerate: the madness, the crazies, the cheesy, Ryan Seacrest, the awful auditions, the not-so-awful ones, the delighted contestants who made it to Hellywood, the devastated ones who didn’t, and of course,the judges: the Dawg, the High, and the Nasty… and the new kid on the block, Kara Dio… Dia… something.
Ryan Seacrest: Hey!!! Rebel!!!
Rebel Without A Clue: Hey, Ryan! Long time no see!! How’s it hanging, my man? Nice to see you again!
Ryan: I’m alright! Lookin’ good, Rebel! Come on, give me a hug, it’s been a while!
RWAC: Sure…! … Hum… Ryan?
RWAC: You’re feeling up my ass…
Ryan: Yes I am. But I don’t mean to.
RWAC: OK, that’s enough now.
Ryan: Still a prude, I see, Rebel…
RWAC: Not a prude, Ryan. Just having some self-esteem. Unlike some of this year’s contestants, who seem to think they need to rely on scant clothing to score a gold ticket.
Ryan: The gold ticket has been demoted to “yellow ticket”, Rebel. And the way these kids get treated in Hollywood, it might as well be called the “black ticket”. Or the “Ticket to hell”. Anyway, back for more, I see?
RWAC: Yeah, go figure…
Ryan: Oh, c’m’ on Rebel, admit that you couldn’t stay away from me!
RWAC: Dream on, pretty boy, dream on. No, I came back for the actual show. I used to watch it before I started blogging about it, y’ know?
Ryan: Oh, you did? I didn’t know, sorry. Anyway, you must have been pretty happy that your man won last season?
RWAC: My David? Yeah, good for him!
Ryan: It didn’t hurt too much that he was screwing that Caldwell girl instead of you?
RWAC: A little, but I distracted myself by screwing screwable guys. Some of whom happened to also speak English, play the guitar and sing in a band. Just like My David. Almost the same thing, really.
Ryan: Sure. Anyway, did you like tonight’s show?
RWAC: Weren’t you guys supposed to show us more of the good auditions and less of the bad ones? ‘Cos’ I sure didn’t see more good singers than usual.
Ryan: We originally were going to showcase more talent, yeah, but then, we remembered that Idol isn’t about talent, although that’s what we try to fool our audience into believing. So we said, to hell with the talented contestants, let’s just stick with showing the silly ones.
RWAC: Not fair on the good singers though.
Ryan: We’ve let all the decent 28 years old through… The others can always come back next year. The good singers don’t need us, anyway. They can get a job on Broadway without us.
RWAC: David Cook’s not on Broadway…
Ryan: DC? Haha, Rebel, you’re funny! Do you really think your DC enjoys singing these generic, wishy-washy wannabe power-ballads that he’s been forced to record since his win? No, Ma’am. He hates our guts now…
RWAC: Really? He seems pretty happy to me…
Ryan: Never wondered why Nigel Lythgoe jumped ship after last season?
RWAC: Well, I…
Ryan: Two words: David Cook. Nigel was scared shitless of him. DC wanted to come in second and pull a Daughtry. What he didn’t want, was to come in first and have to pull an Archuleta. So after the finale, he showed up drunk at 3am at Nigel’s house, and demanded that Nigel made a special announcement in which he would tell America that after recounting the Florida votes for the sixth time, it turned out that Archuleta was the winner after all.
When Nigel refused, DC tried to strangle him with the scarf which often hangs from his back pocket – at least we’ve figured out what it was for. The day after, Nigel announced his resignation… DC kisses our ass in public, but in reality, he can’t stand us.
RWAC: Wow, I knew he had a background in theatre, but I had no idea he was that good an actor…
Ryan: Smoke and mirrors, Rebel, smoke and mirrors… Anyway, do you like the new judge?
RWAC: Not sure yet… Based on first impressions, she seems alright, albeit a tad catty… How’s she like in reality?
Ryan: Kara? I don’t know. Haven’t spoken to her yet.
RWAC: But you introduced her last night…?
Ryan: Introduce her, I did. But I got the hell outta there as soon as the camera quit rolling. Doing this show has been a blast since Nigel quit, Rebel. I can do what the fuck I want without anyone on my ass bossing me around, it’s absolutely awesome.
RWAC: Including making out with the contestants?
Ryan: Yeah, that… OK, I do miss Nigel for his rigid “no screwing/flirting/kissing/feeling up” the contestants rule. That kiss was gross, and that chick, way too tall. I hate people who make me look as short as I actually am.
But on the upside, I got a pay raise, and no boss forcing me to hang out with these idiotic judges whom I cannot stand, apart from Paula, but really, that’s because I feel sorry for her. Otherwise, she’s a complete airhead.
RWAC: Hey, tell me, did they hire Kara as a way to edge out Paula and ultimately get rid or her? Give me the dirt.
Ryan: As I said, I try to stay out of the bigwigs’ way as much as I can, so I don’t have a lot of juicy inside information, but I do believe that yes, they did. I know last season’s stalker wasn’t accidental. So I’m guessing that since that wasn’t enough to make Paula quit by herself, they’re trying something new. Hence Kara. I’ll keep you posted on this if I hear anything.
RWAC: Cool, thanks. Listen Ryan, it’s not that I’m bored, but I have a show to “recap”…
Ryan: Alright Rebel, I’ll see ya later. Wanna give me another hug?
RWAC: Maybe later, I’ll pass for now.
So hi, dear readers. Apologies for the above. For the ones of you who aren’t familiar with me and my Idol “recaps”, here’s a little info. I started to blog about the show last season, and everything was swell until around top 7, when Ryan started to butt into my “recaps” on a regular basis. That, in turn, triggered me to butt back into the show. And since then, during the run of the show, Ryan and I are in direct communication and frequently have conversations like the one above. I’d like it to stop, personally, but Ryan won’t have any of it. So I guess both you and I will have to live with this nuisance.
Just wanted to let you know.
And while we’re temporarily rid of Ryan, let’s move on to the “recap” part of last night’s show, alright?
Ladies and gentlemen…
“In life, the microphone passes your lips but once…
You had better be ready to sing”
We kick things off with this dumbass quote by David Foster. If this is supposed to characterize this season, it’s gonna be a long one, you guys…
OK, time for some filler… Didn’t I just tell you that this season was going to suck?
Rehash of some tired old Idol classic moments: Simon not being an arsehole, Clay Aiken opening a mouth as big as a an oven, happy people, sad people, Sanjaya, pissed off people, people being made fun of, Sanjaya’s hair, people winning American Idol, people crying, people hugging, more of Clay giving some dude a heart attack by creeping up behind him, and a lot more crap like that.
And we’re only like 5 minutes into the season. Great start.
The montage ends with DC crying his eyes out after his win last season. If I suddenly realized that I just sold my soul to Ford, Coke, and Nigel Lythgoe,
I’d be crying too.
Ryan finally announce that this… is…
Yeah, Idol. We got it.
He’s perched on the edge of some scary rock overlooking what looks like the Colorado Grand Canyon, only in Arizona. I didn’t know Arizona has its own canyon. Take that, Colorado!
Then, more filler.
For fuck’s sake.
More of David Cook getting both crowned the winner and royally screwed up for the next 5 years or so. They do show a funny video of a bunch of wittle girls completely losing their shit when the “wrong David” wins the competition, but Jimmy Kimmel aired an even funnier version on his show.
We see images of DC being super-sexy on stage, while he’s sharing some insightful comments on how
much it fucking sucks great it is to have won that wonderful show and finally be rid of that pesky rocker credibility.
FINALLY. New faces. Waving in the crowd, flashing on the screen, announcing that they’re “the next American Idol”. All but one are lying. The honest one wins the show. Who will it be?
Ryan won’t tell us. He goes off on a lyrical monologue about the destination, the journey, and other new-agey nonsense, then we’re treated to more footage of happy people, sad people, pissed off people, Paula on speed, etc. Zzzzzzz… Zzz.. Z? ??? What the…???!!!
RWAC: Ryan! Ryan!
Ryan: What? What?
RWAC: You’re kissing a GIRL?
Ryan: Correction Rebel: she’s kissing me. I’m trying like mad to get away from her. Why do you think I’m standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon? I think she may be a potential stalker, Rebel. I hope she doesn’t go and off herself in my driveway after the show’s over.
RWAC: She doesn’t seem crazy to me. Nympho, yes, exhibitionist, yes, attention-whorish, yes, suicidal, not so much.
Ryan: You never know, Rebel, you never know… And I thought I was doing a good job at keeping these gay rumours going…
RWAC: Bah, she’ll get kicked out the minute she puts a pair of pants on, I wouldn’t worry about it. Anyway, when did the Colorado Grand Canyon move to Arizona?
Ryan: I… what? I… I don’t know, I was just reading what was on the teleprompter. And who gives a flying fuck about geography, this is American Idol, not the Discovery Channel, Rebel!
RWAC: Sorry for asking an intelligent question, Ryan. Enjoy the view!
We leave Ryan perched on his rock and head to commercial. When we come back, he’s tentatively heading towards the very edge of it.
RWAC: What’s up? You look stressed out. Bikini still after you?
Ryan: Yup. Right there, next to the cameraman. She’s taken her top off. Bitch is crazy. She’s crazy-flat too. I have more boobs than her, I think. Anyway, I have a script to read, Rebel, so I can’t talk to you right now. Later!
RWAC: Good luck!
Ryan: Thanks… America, we are back, I’m Ryan Se…
I let Ryan battle his fear of heights and topless female singers by himself, and focus back on the show where we are treated to yet more footage of people standing in line, waving and acting stupid. We also find out that it’s very hot in Phoenix that day, and all these pussies are complaining about it. Arseholes. It’s minus fucking 30 in Montreal right now, SO SHUT THE HELL UP. Fuck. Now I’m pissed. Idiots.
Hmm. Where was I again? Oh yeah. Stupid show with cactuses and shitheads who should be thankful that it’s “too hot”. Dicks.
Hey! The new judge has arrived! Her name is Kara DioGuardi, and basically, no one gave a fuck about her until now. She’s a songwriter who wrote stuff for P!nk, which is cool, and for Celine Dion, which isn’t. She must also be very boring, because that’s about all we learn about her before finally moving on to the auditions.
We start off with some dude who is wearing what has got to be black candyfloss on his head. Nope, apparently, it’s hair. HUGE hair. Diana Ross must be cursing him if she’s watching. This is quite an impressive afro; Idol too picks up on this fact, and makes it the central topic of the dude’s bio. Turns out that said dude has ambitions the size of his afro but his voice however, has about as much power as his brain. He delivers a combination of singing, tapping, and ripping some of Michael Jackson’s dance moves, all set at different degrees of mediocre. Somewhere, Sanjaya lets out a sigh of relief at the thought of his capillary legacy remaining intact.
The judges torture Candyfloss briefly, we’re treated to an early video recap of his not-yet-over audition, in case you missed it, then they dismiss him without too much assholishness. Candyfloss is sad and very perplexed by this unanimous rejection, but life goes on and so does the show. And thankfully, with some improvement.
Her name is Emily, and she came to audition for the role of Carly Smithson. Emily’s into tattoos, piercings, and other things that hurt. Her favourite movie is “Snow-White”, and she likes it so much that she got the poster tattooed on one of her arms. She explains that she chose a singing career because she was bad at math, and that tattoos make for great office jobs repellant. She sings in an all-girls rock band, and is going to give “Barracuda” by Heart, a shot. Which is crazy. “Barracuda” + Heart = very, very difficult.
But she pulls it off. I like her. I always like the rock chicks. Plus she doesn’t seem stupid, and she strikes me as the kind of person who’d work her butt off to move ahead in a competition like this one. So go, Emily!
On the panel, the estrogen loves her, but the testosterone calls her a fucking traitor for not having told her band members that she was auditioning for Idol, and for turning her back on them like the selfish bitch that she is. After lecturing her for a while on her absence of loyalty, they squish her remaining chances of reconciliation with her band by sending her to Hellywood.
After the break, a rocker will cry, some scared looking-kid may or may not throw up, and Ryan’s lip-rapist is on the prowl around the pool…
When we come back, it’s to be introduced to a new species: the “rock-star in a box”. Basically, that’s a fucking poser who dresses in black and wears a bandana on weekends. During the week, however, he’s a salesman. And there’s nothing wrong with being a salesman during the day and a rockstar at night… I have a lot of friends who have a boring day job and turn into local rockstars after dark.
What is wrong with this guy though, is that he doesn’t even play nor sing in a band, nor has he ever done it, nor, from what I gather, has he even tried to do it. Rock-star my ass. My auntie Mimi is more badass than you, asshole.
And the worst is, this dickhead keeps on tearing up and getting all emotional on us. Man, I fucking hate wimps. I have no problem with guys crying, but this particular dude is worse than that huge fountain I saw on that YouTube video shot in Las Vegas.
Waterworks struts his way in front of the judges, butchers My David’s Bon Jovi’s audition song from last season faster than you can scream “FAKE!”, gets humiliated by the judges, cries some, and basically gets told to go fuck himself and get a fucking life and get his sorry ass into a band before having dreams of grandeur. I often feel sorry for these poor delusional saps, but this guy just gets on my last nerve. He reminds me of that ex of mine who also suffered the waterworks syndrome. Ladies, word of advice: keep away from criers. They cease being endearing very fast. Believe me.
Next up is a guy with a pretty good voice who makes it to Hellywood after being given about 17 seconds of airtime.
We will likely never see him again. Hello, and goodbye, JB, or whatever your name is.
Moving along, nex…
Ryan: Not so fast, Rebel.
Ryan: Sob story time.
RWAC: Oh, for Christ…
This time, it’s not just the contestant who’s crying, it’s the whole damn family. Which seems to be composed exclusively of men. Crying men. I fucking hate that show sometimes.
After showing footage of future victims goofing around while waiting for their turn to enter the slaughterhouse, the camera stops on an awkward-looking kid, the kind which strikes me as really, really good at video games and internet stuff. He doesn’t look well. He’s pale, sweaty, and looks like he’s just about to pass out. Lyrics from a Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” song enter my mind… “Hey, teacher! Leave those kids alone…” Only to exit it almost immediately.
Ryan: Yes, dear?
RWAC: Are you going to keep this up for the whole audition process?
Ryan: What do you mean? Keep what up? My hard-on for you?
Seems like Idol thought it would be fun to turn every other audition into a short film. This horror-themed one is about a terrified awkward boy going to audition for green judges.
Don’t shoot the messenger, I’m only reporting what I see on this stupid show.
Anyhoo, the poor kid is so horrendous, I’m feeling genuinely uncomfortable and sorry for him. But he at least makes it through his audition without barfing on his shoes. He squeaks three lines of a song written by Kara, the judges all call him a “sweet guy” and let him off easy.
We find out that a blind guy will be trying out for Idol… after the break.
SHIT. My online Idol source got busted. “Video removed due to infringement”. Mid-“recap”. Great. Well, I guess I’ll have to explore other avenues. Sorry about that.
The rest of the recap will be up as soon as I’ve found a way to re-watch the show.