Wow…! 27 minutes into the season and I’m already slacking off… This does not bode well, folks.
Anyhow, I eventually found Idol online, so I can keep going with my “recap”. But before I do, I’d like to thank the greedy bastards at either Fremantle Media (Idol’s producers) or Fox, or both, for taking down all the web videos from this season of Idol. Very nice of you, assholes. Like everyone has Tivo, or is able to spare two hours, from 8 to 10 pm, twice a week to watch your crap.
That said, we are more than willing to watch your crap, but we’d like to do it in our own time, y’see? So either make the show available for streaming yourselves, or let other people do it. And make sure Canucks can watch it too. Your crap airs here, on network TV. You sell advertising. Not allowing us to watch videos on your website (which was the case last season) is unfair and smacks of xenophobia.
The more I think about it, the more I find you guys suck. So fuck you Fremantle, Fox and Idol.
OK, I’m working myself up now… Big breath… Ahhhh…! On with the “recap”!
And we’re back on Idol… with a recap of the previous segment. The same sickly-looking kid who managed to keep down his lunch during his audition is showed again, sweating, squeaking, eating a banana sitting on the floor in the midst of a bunch of folks fussing over him. Don’t you love these two hours shows?
Flashback: Snippet of Tears For Fears’ videoclip of “Mad world”.
Present: Snippet of some dude murdering “Mad world”. The caption says he’s a music student. Irony, how I love thee.
This goes on for a while; we’re shown a few seconds of several music videos, and after each one, some dimwit butchers the song just heard. Why, oh why do I watch this again?
Next up is X-Ray. He wears an orange shirt and is shown playing the guitar while doing a weird wobbly dance, like his body is partly made of gelatin. In his short bio, he calls Kara “Carla”, which I find kind of cool. He comes across as a likeable guy, and I immediately get the feeling that he’ll be put through to Hollywood. It’d be about time for this “talent-show” to feature some actual talent, don’t you think?
X-Ray skips into the audition room, guitar in hand, startling the judges who were dozing off. Prompted by Simon, we find out that he’s a 20 years old resident of Phoenix who, just like “Carla”, writes songs. His main source of inspiration are cactuses, and judging by his uncanny energy, I’d venture that snorting cocaine is one of his pastimes.
Unlike the average performer who grabs his guitar as he’s about to start singing, X-Ray hands his over to an anonymous hand probably belonging to some overworked and underpaid Fremantle Media employee.
X-Ray starts to “sing”, and this makes me reconsider what I’ve just said regarding him snorting coke as his hobby. I would like to change “snorting cocaine” to “doing ecstasy”. X-Ray is bizarre, but very entertaining. So entertaining, in fact, that the judges can’t handle it. X-Ray’s further attempts to prove that this show could use another Sanjaya, end with him and his guitar swiftly getting ushered out by a large, likely overworked and underpaid Fremantle security guy.
And we go back to one of the things that American Idol loves: cute 16 years-old girls with a boring backstory. This Ariana is not a famous blogger with a weird accent, that’s be too much fun. No, this girl is sweet, pretty, she put together a group of teens who every month, goes to sing for old people in nursing homes, and got her first taste of singing in a Disney World karaoke restaurant. Smells like Hollywood to me.
Ariana starts singing. She’s expectedly good, the judges are enthralled, shower her with compliments and all put her through to the next round. Wow, I did not see that coming.
We find out that nine other folks also made it to Hollywood, but God forbid Idol would let us see and hear any of them. The camera briefly shows them jumping up and down while flashing their yellow ticket, then focuses on the real stars of the show: the judges. Paula reflects that they put through “a couple of real good ones” today, and Kara gloats about her new gig, which she finds great because it involves little work for a lot money. But there is a downside to this dream job, and it’s called “Bikini Girl”. More after the break.
It’s day 2 on Idol, but from the footage shown, you’d think someone rewound the tape to the beginning of the show.
RWAC: Ryan, we’re in January. Out of respect for a Montreal resident, would you please have the decency to quit rubbing in my face the fact that it’s SOOO hot in Phoenix?
Ryan: Hey, I can keep you warm, Rebel. Take off your clothes, I’ll…
RWAC: I don’t snack on other bitches’ leftovers, Ryan. You already have your bikini-clad stalker, and you don’t seem too thrilled. Why would you need two naked girls if you can’t even handle one?
Ryan: You are different. For a whole bunch of reasons. One of which is that we’ll probably never sleep together in reality, which I find comforting. I also like you because you don’t know where I live and you don’t drive a car. This makes you harmless, Rebel, and I like harmless people and things. I’m a metrosexual after all. And remember, I…
RWAC: Gee, I didn’t know I was that repulsive. Thanks for the ego boost, Ryan. See you around.
Ryan: But, Rebel, I didn’t mean…
RWAC: Go fuck yourself, Ryan. And good luck to you, Bikini Girl, I hope you get your way with this wimp. Squeeze his balls very hard on my behalf, if you get the chance.
RWAC: Hush. Got a “recap” to write.
Either Kara sways her hips a lot when she walks, or she hurt herself getting out of the limo. We see more of the judges patting themselves on the back in relation to all the talented singers they discovered in Phoenix. The whole nine of them.
Now for something new, more footage of horrendous auditions from previous seasons. My hatred for Fremantle Media increases by a few notches.
Ryan, this effeminate arsehole, is taking the piss at some black guy whose voice is… indescribable. Take Hugh Laurie’s deep voice; imagine him with a cold and a sinus infection. Well, he would sound high-pitch in comparison to this dude. For the record, Hugh Laurie has the sexiest voice on television. If you see this Hugh, do you think your wife would mind if you called me and read me the phone book for a couple of hours? It would be completely harmless to your marriage, and at the same time, would totally turn me on.
Back to our deep-voiced black dude, he has not even stepped in the audition room that it’s already painfully obvious that he has been put through solely as fodder for the judges’ sometimes dubious sense of humour. He walks in, says “Hi”, they say “Wow”, Simon says “Not hopeful”, which isn’t very nice, but I can’t blame him for having at least one foot anchored in reality.
The guy’s awful. No surprise there. He really comes across as a nice bloke though. Great smile. Simon asks him if he’s aware of the show’s purpose, to which the guy answers that yes, he is. Good for him, because I sure am not anymore. I used to naively think that Idol was a singing talent competition, but it clearly isn’t the case. So if someone cares to enlighten me about it, please do so. In the meantime, I’ll keep on turning to the crazy people over at Vote For The Worst when I’m in need of a dose of Idol-related sanity.
Deep-voiced black dude is unanimously turned down and sent away by the judges, but not without hopes of employment opportunities in show-business: Paula tells him that he’d be awesome at doing voice-overs for monsters characters in movies. A trap-door opens below his feet before he has time to punch Paula on the nose.
Karma can work in a funny way, and will sometimes punish you for stuff you haven’t done yet. Like for instance Paula, who paid last season for her crass advice to deep-voiced black dude, when the producers thought it’d be a fun idea to let crazy stalker Paula Goodspeed audition in front of the judges. Remember pink-clad Paula Goodspeed? So do the Idol producers, and not without nostalgia. They would have loved to have her back on the show, but unfortunately, Paula was unavailable. Cause: death. And I’m not laughing at her here, it’s very sad. That girl needed medication and therapy, not being made fun of on national television. I don’t think they should have let her in, personally.
Regardless, Idol, having already gotten a taste of the stalker character and loving it, decided to reintroduce her this season. But who would play the part? They scanned the crowd waiting outside, found an over-excited, binder-carrying 16 years old dressed in pink who claimed to be “Kara’s biggest fan”, and chose her to be the new stalkerish fangirl.
They failed, in my opinion. The girl did come across as an over-the-top, over-eager, over-bubbly ditz with an annoying laugh, but I thought she seemed sweet and showed great spirit. She’d brought with her a thick binder filled with songs she’d written, to show it to Kara. Cute. Voice-wise, less cute. Quite nasal, quite rough around the edges (and further in), but at least she was on pitch.
Simon squished her hopes like he would an bug, but the others came as close to constructive criticism as I ever heard on that show, and encouraged her to keep working. Kara in particular, gave her pretty insightful feedback, and was impressed with her commitment. Lea Marie took took the criticism like a man in a miniskirt and a pink cowboy hat would: with a smile, a crappy joke and promises of working very hard if put through to Hollywood. In the end, it was four noes, but the judges, except Simon, were pretty cool with her. Or so I thought.
After the girl left the room, Simon teased Kara about her “biggest fan”, to which she replied something along the lines of: “That’s my fan, what does that tell about me!”.
Meow. bitch. That was unnecessary. You should be grateful to have fans, and that some 16 years old kid is curious enough about songwriting that she actually knows who you are. I sure didn’t, and I’m just a little over 16 (albeit not in this dimension, in another one). Anyway, I liked Kara up until this point. That was a shitty thing to say, and I’m considering calling her “Carla” from now on, just out of spite.
As Lea Marie exits, and Ryan, in voice-over, slyly hints at the fact that we should all be creeped out by her stalkerish self, cue Desperate Housewives-like weird, quirky music. Then she’s seen one last time, saying: “See you next year, judges. MWAHAHAHA!!!” with Lemmy’s voice, and immediately heads for either the nearest binder store or driving-school.
Next up is the blind g… Wait, the preview showed a blind guy, not a blind girl… I didn’t think any seeing person in their right mind would buy such a hideous top, let alone wear it for an audition, but Stevie Wright did. It’s like a negative of a giraffe pattern, if you see what I mean. If you don’t, just believe me when I say it’s not flattering. She’s a brunette with a wide smile full of teeth, bit like Julia Roberts. She was called Stevie, not because it’s a legitimate, normal name, but because her mum was a huge Stevie Nicks fan.
Don’t you guys get the shivers now, everytime you hear or see the words “huge fan”? No? Me neither. We’re on the same page, then.
According to Idol, the only interesting thing about Stevie is her first name. Both her bio and the judges focus solely on that. Personally, I’m still distracted my this bloody awful top of hers. She sings “At last” by Etta James, and I actually really like it. Her top is still fucking terrible, but she’s undeniably good.
Simon tells her that she has a brilliant voice, but has some concerns about the fact that she comes across as a softie. I don’t know how he picked up on that, since he’s known her for like, 40 seconds, 30 of which she spent singing, but hey, anything to justify his obscene salary is good for me.
Stevie is unanimously “yessed”, and as she walks out, Simon tells her she has to grow teeth. Sharp teeth. Given that her mouth already reminds me of Julia Roberts’, I’m not sure how astute this advice is. But then, there seems to be a recurrent horror theme on this show, so I’m guessing this cryptic reference to “Jaws” was made for continuity.
Outside the audition room, Stevie and her family are enthusiastically hugging and deliberately ignoring Ryan who is standing there looking at them like an idiot. Also ignoring Ryan, inside, the judges are still blown away by Stevie. Top 12 material? I guess we’ll find out when we get there, in what seems right now like about six years.
After the break, a blonde-haired lumberjack mistakenly enters the audition room, chainsaw in hand, and kills everyone in sight, including the underpaid security guy.
Ryan: What the fuck are you on about Rebel??! Are you fucking crazy? Murder by chainsaw on Idol? What the hell???
RWAC: What’s the problem? I was just trying to incorporate your horror theme in my “recap”, that’s all.
Ryan: Set the story straight Rebel, or Fremantle will take down your blog. And here’re some flowers. I’m sorry for saying shitheaded things to you before. Just before I spoke to you, Bikini Girl cornered me in the washroom and tried to take my pants off. I was in a state of shock and my hatred of women shone through my usually cheerful demeanour. I’m very sorry.
RWAC: Alright, apology accepted. But you were saying? I can’t have murders in my “recaps”?
Ryan: Murders? Of course you can. Just not this guy.
RWAC: Why not him?
Ryan: The producers love his sob story and he’s half-decent; meaning they’re gonna pimp his muscular ass all the way to top 24 at least. So we can’t have him connected to chainsaw massacre stories. Dubious publicity, to say the least.
RWAC What’s the sob story?
Ryan: His job; 5th most dangerous in the world. Used to be the 4th, but “American Idol host” overtook it in the last 45 minutes. He works on oil rigs.
RWAC: So did everyone I met In London who wasn’t a bike courier. Also one hell of a dangerous job if you’re working in London. I’ve biked in London; these weirdos drive on the wrong side on the road. It’s a miracle I’m still alive. I…
Ryan: Rebel!! Do you want to hear about oil rig guy or not?
RWAC: Not really, but go ahead.
Ryan: Well, he works on oil rigs, is away for seven days at the time, he has a wife and kids, and his wife doesn’t like what he does for a living.
RWAC: Keep going…
Ryan: That’s it.
RWAC: That’s it?
Ryan: What more do you want? The point of the story is that the guy could die at work. 5th most dangerous in the world…? No? Not sinking in?
RWAC: What sinks in is that my chainsaw story was way better. This is lame.
Ryan: America loves soppy shit like that, Rebel, get used to it.
Oil rig guy is a big guy. So big that the judges have no choice but to be nice to him and not piss him off. Simon looks him up and down, smiles knowingly, and says: “So, you’re the opposite of Ryan Seacrest, aren’t you?”
Everyone but Ryan laughs at that cheap shot.
Bigfoot sings a Boyz ll Men song, and sounds totally boys band-ish. I’m not crazy about it personally, but Ryan’s right, America’s gonna love him. At least until some pre-pubescent Archuleta-type heartthrob comes along.
He’s OK though, just not my thing. My thing is rockers. And his voice lacks the grit, the roughness that I like. But the judges love him, Simon tells him that he’s got the likeability factor, meaning he should coast along for a while based on popularity. See you in Hollywood, Bigfoot!
Just as Idol started fooling me into believing that we were done with the bad singers for today, they show a whole string of them, at the end of which Simon threatens to quit his job, but Ryan advises him to hold on just a little longer, because here comes the now famous Bikini Girl, and I shouldn’t have to explain why she got herself that moniker, so I won’t.
Instead of narrating this, I wish I could just post a video, but these Fremantle Media bastards took them all down, so I can’t.
Oh, wait! FOUND ONE! Watch it quick before it disappears. And I also found THAT. Looks like she is or may have been some sort of lingerie/swimwear model. I thought she may. She seemed very confident and totally unfazed by the fact that she was almost naked in an arena full of clothed people, so it crossed my mind that it’s something she may be used to.
Anyway, here’s how it went: in the pre-audition clip, Bikini Girl explains that she thought auditioning in knickers and a bra would make her stand-out and get her attention. Which turned out to be successful. I’m puzzled by the fact that in some shots, her hair is blonde and down, and in some others, it’s dark and done differently. Was this shot in different instances? Bizarre.
Update: from one shot to another, her jewelry too is different. So it was shot in more than one instance. I wonder why that is…
She confesses that she loves Ryan, and has already picked the name of their children, which I personally find way creepier than a 16 years old girl with a binder full of songs. She then announces to him that after she scores her ticket to Hell, she and him will make out to celebrate. Ryan is clearly shitting himself. He scrambles to get out of it by blaming the show’s rigid “no making out with the contestants” rules, which we all know is BS, since Paula’s done it in the past, and she’s still here. For now at least.
While a seriously spooked Ryan rushes to the toilet throw up, Bikini Girl struts her stuff into the audition room, where simultaneously, the women’s eyes become as big as saucers, while the guys’ tongues roll out of their mouths and fall on their lap.
Randy is the first to recover. After wiping the drool off his chin, he stutters: “Do you go to all auditions like this?”
To which she replies: “No just this one. You guys are special.” Oh, the wit!
Kara asks her to “do a rotate for the guys”, meaning, “they’re dying to look at your ass, and so is America, so please indulge”. Bikini Girl obeys, and Simon gives her a yes, although he still asks her to sing something because it’s part of his job description. Again, she obeys.
She’s actually not as bad as I thought she would be. I’m not saying she’s great; I really dislike this nasal, affected singing style that too many current pop singers seems to be fond of, but that’s the kind of stuff that a few singing lessons could easily correct. But she’s not bad per se, just ordinary. Which doesn’t stop Simon from hollering “YES! YES” while she’s singing, and then again after she’s done. To which Bikini Girl responds by enthusiastically squeaking “Yes! So the hardest one…”
Kara interrupts her. The new judge on the block isn’t about to let some overly tanned strumpet sneak her skinny ass into Hollywood without a little grilling first.
While Kara and Simon are bickering about Bikini Girl’s near future, Randy gives her a yes, and tells her that she has “potential”. He doesn’t specify in what though. Somehow, I doubt its singing. Ah, Kara’s done arguing with Simon; now she starts off on Bikini Girl:
“Your ass is disgustingly sweet, you skank. I hate your guts with the intensity of a thousand burning suns, but I must gather and not show it… Man, I wish my ass was as tight as yours, whore. Fuck, I hate you. And you’re not even that bad a singer… Couldn’t you just stink, bitch? Had to sing OK too, huh?”
Well, in reality, it’s more along the lines of: “Sweetie, I don’t want it people to think I’m saying this out of jealously (which I clearly am) because you’re young and beautiful (which you are, slut), but listen to what some REAL singing sounds like.”
Then… Wow! Kara starts singing, you guys! Pretty good too! I’d give her a yes if she auditioned for me. However, Simon disagrees, gives her a no, and then gives Bikini Girl another yes. Randy gives Kara a yes, while Bikini Girl sides with Simon and gives her a no, and then SHE proceeds to show Kara what good singing is really like.
And then, follows one of these cathartic moments which reminds why I watch this stupid program in the first place: 90 minutes into her new career as an Idol judge, Kara decides it’s time to make an ass of herself. She gets into this silly sing-off against Bikini Girl, each trying to out-vocalize the other, and they’re both coming across as immature twits, it’s wildly funny. I live for shit like this!
When it ends, Simon gives Bikini Girl yet another yes.
Kara’s had it, and brings out the big guns. She starts with a loaded: “You don’t have the chops to sing this song, sweetie.” Ouch. The claws are out.
Bikini Girl is not hearing it. Dripping with contempt, she snaps back: “But your demonstration wasn’t any better.”
Re-ouch. The nerve of that girl.
It’s panic among the judges.
Paula screams, passes out from the shock, then recovers, all in the space of five seconds. Randy is stunned, and all he’s able to say is: “Whoo! Whoo!” So he says it over and over. Simon gives Bikini Girl big thumbs up.
Kara ain’t likin’ it. She gets up slowly, daggers in her eyes, then says: “Hold on a minute, bitch”.
Wow. She said “bitch”. To a contestant. At 9.30. During the premiere. Wow. New judge has anger management issues, I see. Cool. It could make for a fun season. It’s a shame she wasn’t around last season, when Jason was goofing off and forgetting lyrics and all that. Or better, when Sanjaya was on. I love contestants who piss the judges off.
But let’s head back to the trainwreck, shall we? In an attempt to polish her already-tarnished public image, Kara decides that showcasing her singing skills some more would be a good idea. Surprisingly, it’s Paula who attempts to knock some sense into her by telling her to shut the fuck up already, and then calmly explain to Kara that she got three noes, from Simon, Bikini Girl and herself, and hence is out of the competition. She then asks Bikini Girl: “Do you have a name by the way?”
Kara pipes in: “Yeah! We only know you as “top” and “bottom”! Hahaha!”
Bikini Girl contemptuously rolls her eyes and spits on the floor. The underpaid security guy silently wipes it off with his Fremantle Media T Shirt. Simon pokes Paula in the ribs with his pen. Paula groans “Welcome to Hollywood”, before passing out again. Bikini Girl does a few victory jumping jacks. Both aroused and wondering whether or not he did see something wiggle under that bikini top, Randy tricks her into doing more jumping jacks by repeating “Welcome to American Idol!” for a third time. Men are so stupid sometimes.
“Come naked next time!” chirps Kara. Bikini Girl throws her an icy stare and heads for the door.
Behind which Ryan is not waiting. Puzzled, Bikini Girl goes on a search for him. But she won’t find him just yet.
That’s because right now, Ryan is on my sofa, with his head on my lap, crying like an infant.
Ryan: Bwah! I don’t want to go back there, Rebel! That crazy bitch has her yellow ticket, and now she’s looking for me! To make out, Rebel, make out! With ME! BWAH!
Just as I was about to say something comforting, a giant pair of tweezers comes from out of nowhere, takes Ryan by the collar, lifts him up and drops him back into the TV show, right next to the pool.
Bikini Girl spots him. He’s about to jump in the water when he remembers that he’s not a very skilled swimmer and that this is the deep end. She grabs him by the shoulders. He struggles, but she’s way taller and stronger than him, and easily manages to shove her tongue in his mouth. He wails, wiggles, she trips on her high heels and he seizes that opportunity to push her into the pool. Then he looks into the camera and says “We’ll be right back.”
RWAC: Hahaha! Fucking LOOOOOL! Hahaha!
Ryan: What is it?
RWAC: They were playing that Katy Perry song, “I kissed a girl” while she was snogging you!!! Hahaha! Awesome!
Ryan: Not funny, Rebel. Not funny.
RWAC: Oh, come on, have a sense of humour! That was irony at its finest!
Ryan: What? The song? I loved the song! Hell, I came up with the idea myself when I realized I was cornered. I thought it would be a nice touch. It’s that hoe who completely traumatized me. But I’m better now. Thanks for your support. And I owe you a jumbo box of tissues.
RWAC: Don’t worry about it. Repay me by buying me house or something. Tell me, I realize I do not enjoy “recapping” these audition shows; they take too long. Is it worth sticking around?
Ryan: Yeah, it is. His name is Scott MacIntyre, he’s the blind guy. Future top 24.
RWAC: Of course. See you in a bit.
When we come back, it’s to learn more things about Kara. Things like how to pronounce her name properly. Meaning, not like Simon, who calls her “Kahrah”, when it should be more like “Kera”. Yawn.
Next up is “Sexual Chocolate”. No shit, that’s what he calls himself. He likes his nickname so much that he got it tattoed across his back, and flashes it everytime someone talks to him with a question mark in their voice.
And that’s pretty much his whole shtick. Other than that, he’s pretty bad. The only funny bit of that audition is when he lifts up his shirt for the judges to get a glimpse of how humble and not presumptuous a person he is, and the ladies point out that one of the “O”s tattoed on his back looks like an “A”. As in “Sexual ChAcolate”. Ha.
Oh, and another thing: Sexual Chacolate’s mum promised him a car if he failed his audition. So because the judges have a heart, as well as ears, they all give him a no. And in case you dumb: Sexual Chacolate is a black guy. Like, duh.
After seeing a few people reacting badly to rejection, it’s time for another hyperactive coke addict to take the stage. Her name is Brianna and from the look of things, she’s a cheerleader. Maybe not in real life, but in her heart, that’s for sure.
She turns up super-excited in front of the judges, repeatedly voicing her disbelief at the idea that she’s auditioning for Idol. Simon interrupts her series of “Oh my gosh, this ain’t happening!” with a song request. “Let’s hear it for the boys” is her song choice. She not great, but she’s not bad either. And there is something about her that I really like. She’s very bubbly, she keeps making comical faces and she’s funny. That’s it! She’s funny! I love funny people!
Verdict: Simon accuses her to have gotten through the screening process based on personality. With shame, she admits it’s possible. The judges then have to reassure her that personality isn’t necessarily a hindrance, although you wouldn’t know that from watching Idol.
Paula then wants to hear a little “Killing me softly”. Poor Brianna screws up the lyrics like three times in a row, but endearingly scolds Simon when he gives her shit for it, and calls him “Simie”. Aww…! The judges put mad pressure on her until she remembers how the song goes. As soon as she starts singing, they tell her to stop. So she does what the average suicidal singer would do, and ignores them. She’s doing OK until she attempts a pretty damn horrendous run and they all start going “Huh-huh-huh”.
It does not bode well for Brianna, but she’s so cute and loveable with that personality of hers, that Paula and that big meanie Simie put her though to Hollywood. Brianna proceeds to hug the judges who gave her yes, meaning that she ignores personality haters Randy and “Kera”.
Now that we’ve been introduced to at least six of the contestants, let’s meet their families, shall we?
Or rather, let’s not. Let’s just say that they’re there for support and transport, and leave it to that.
Deanna however, is old enough to drive, so she came to audition by herself. Man, these people from the South just have the best accent. Besides the Irish. And the English when they try to speak French. So sexy.
Back to Deanna, once she got there, Ryan kept pestering her about how she must be a lonely loser to come and try out for Idol by herself. Annoyed, Deanna held an audition of her own to find herself some fake TV relatives, and selected the best-looking people to play them. That shut him up.
She’s singing “Sitting on the dock of the bay”. I really like it. There’s a raw quality to her voice, which makes me think that this chick could seriously rip the shit out of a rock song. I like her a lot. When Simon asks her why she hasn’t had a break in the industry yet, she gives him very honest, straight-forward answers. And just like that, it’s four yesses, and Deanna is off to Hollywood, which is where I think she already lives. So much for a change of scenery.
Outside, Deanna’s fake family found a better gig and abandoned her, so Ryan, like the good boy that he is, over-compensates by acting out her different relatives. It’s silly but it’s sweet. Deanna just finds it goofy however, and walks away to go call her mother and give her the good news.
Next up is Cody, from the lovely city of Detroit. He’s a cute-looking kid who is not without reminding me of Queen Noriega from last season. Unlike Deanna who likes to travel light, Cody brought along a whole female posse, including a “crying girl”, as well as his brother. His mum is also there, but she looks so young that you can’t tell her apart from his friends. And to fit in with the show’s horror theme, it turns out that Cody is a huge horror movies buff. How convenient. Cody admits to being addicted to fake hemoglobin and making gory horror films is a hobby of his.
Cody is definitely a decent singer, although he’s another one whom I’d qualify as boys band-ish. Meaning teenage girls will love him. He’s young, he’s pretty, he can sing, and according to Ryan, he has a “dark side”. Chicks dig dark sides. (By the way, if enjoying horror films means having a dark side, just call me Lucifer. I love a good horror flick.)
While the judges deliberate, Idol tries to built tension by inserting dumbass cliche horror film sound effects. Outside, one of Cody’s girls is having a nervous breakdown. You’d think she was the one auditioning. Ryan tries to calm her down by offering her a Valium, but Cody saves the day by busting out of the audition room, yellow ticket in hand. That girl will never know how close she came to a life riddled with drug-addiction.
After some more nonsense filler involving Simon quizzing the contestants on geography, I can only hope that future prez Obama will throw a few bucks towards education in America, because there seems to be a lot of very ignorant people over there, Sherri Shepherd.
Next, in comes Alex. He’s a complete geek. I’m having flashbacks of Kyle Ensley, the politician kid from last season. I loved Kyle. I was pissed when he was the last to be cut before top 24 last year, and so was Simon. I hope he tries again this season.
Prompted by Simon who asks him to name three countries in which he’ll be popular, Alex first answers some place that I don’t know how to spell, followed by Zimbabwe. But as the judges all stare at him, looking very puzzled, he changes his last choice of “Nunavut” to “Canada” and they all go: “Ahh… Canada, yes… I’ve heard of this one.”
Alex’s bio has “American Idol auditions scapegoat” written all over it. He says he used to practice his singing in his closet, but there was mould in there and that made him sick. He’s also missing a Spanish test for this stupid audition, so he better do well, because he’s not willing to risk getting a B on his test for nothing.
“So”, Simon says, “you came out of the closet?” Haha. Kinda funny I guess. Probably funnier if you’re straight. The judges don’t dig it, though, and they all gang up on Simon. Alex tells them to leave him the fuck alone and starts singing his song after ordering Randy to do the back vocals for him. He’s surprisingly decent. Not my thing, but the kid sure ain’t bad. The judges (except for Simon) start singing along, so Alex just shuts up and listens to them.
Afterwards, me, Kara, Paula, Randy, we’re all flabbergasted. Simon is jaded, but for once, he’s in the minority. He still calls Randy a moron for giving Alex a yes, but Randy doesn’t care, because for once, he’s in the majority. Alex offers to sing “God saves the queen” in an attempt to either mellow Simon out, or make him laugh, but it fails miserably.
Ultimately though, as unbelievable as it may seem, we’ll see Alex back in Hollywood. Hopefully in a show-down against Kyle, ‘cos’ a “war of the nerds” would be super-cool.
Back to what Idol does best: filler. Montage of the Phoenix’s rejects being made fun of while they’re butchering Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive”. Although through to Hollywood, Bikini Girl’s in there too, for some reason. She won’t last ten seconds after she puts some clothes on.
Last contestant. FINALLY. The blind dude we’ve been hearing about for the whole show. His name is Scott, he’s 23, and was born almost blind. His tunnel vision is of two degrees, and he explains that it’s like looking through a straw. He’s a singer-songwriter and also plays the piano. He says that it was challenging since he can only sees the width of one key and had to rely on memorizing distances between the keys. He adds that he never let his handicap hold him back, and that he’s done activities such as skiing and ballroom dancing.
I’m not one for sob stories, but this one is very interesting and inspiring. Especially since he’s not being a melodramatic douche about it.
He’s singing Billy Joel’s “And so it goes”. And so goes Scott in the top 24; top 12 even, quite possibly. I’m not blown away, but he can most definitely sing. Simon finds him “cool”, “Kera” gives him credit for singing without his instrument, which has got to be somewhat awkward, and basically, Scott gets a resounding yes from all of the judges. Good for him.
Outside the audition room, Ryan only has a couple of minutes left to screw up, and manages it masterfully. After Scott is done getting accolades from his friends and family, Ryan holds his hand up to high-five him… and… waits. Scott doesn’t react. He doesn’t know that there is a hand up there, waiting to be high-fived. Nice one, Ryan. He then grabs Scott’s hand, and explains that he’s high-fiving him. Oh, Ryan… I’m feeling kind of bad for him. He probably high-fives 200 people on an average day, so I guess it’s a reflex for him by now…
Ryan: OK Rebel, I messed this one up, I’ll admit. Totally forgot that the guy was blind. I’m feeling like a right twat at this moment… Was it really noticeable?
RWAC: Well, I noticed. And so did TMZ. I saw you on their show.
Ryan: For real? Shit. My mother is going to give me hell for this. I bet my answer phone is already filled with etiquette tips. Damn. Hopefully, Lindsay Lohan will soon go out without her underwear again, and divert the attention away from me.
Montage of the happy contestants demonstrating their joy by jumping in the pool with their clothes on, while Ryan announces that tomorrow, they’ll be in Kansas City, home of David Cook, for two more hours of this crap.
See you then!