Hello all and welcome to Louisville, Kentucky, a town which, according to Ryan, specializes in hillbillies, horses, bluegrass, and blue-haired people (I did see one). A particularity of Louisville is that it’s name is almost unpronounceable, hence the need to have a dozen different people on camera explaining that it’s “Loooovell, not Lewissville”. And don’t forget folks, it’s “Kera”, not “Kahrah”.
The judges’ arrival interrupts this diction 101 class. I can only conclude that “Looovell” must be the most boring place on Earth, telling from the fuss made around those four overpaid individuals. As they step out of their cars, they are immediately surrounded by a group of eager trumpet players. Or trombone. Or some other brass instrument. I don’t know, it’s not in my notes.
Oh, a word on that: given that I’m now completely unable to find Idol online, (thanks to FremantleMedia), and that I don’t have Tivo, I’ve had to revert back to this Dark Ages method of watching the show live while taking notes with this thing called a “pen”, on this other thing called “paper”. It works, but it’s limiting; meaning that I have can no longer include the show’s most insignificant details in my “recaps”.
Did I just hear a sigh of relief? Don’t rejoice too quickly though. It’s still me, so don’t count out my ability to write long chunks texts absolutely devoid of substance.
Back to the show, Kara loves this welcoming mini-marching band so much that she decides to audition for it. Someone lends her a trumpet, she blows into it, and immediately gets the feedback that she blows period, should go back to judging, and on that, she gets a resounding ‘No’ from the whole band. So we’re stuck with her.
First to audition is Tiffany, although from the look of things, you’d think her parents are either auditioning themselves, or are trying to sell her to the highest buyer. According to them, their daughter can blow anyone out of the water when it comes to singing. Personally, I’m wondering if she can even talk at all. Oh, yes, she can.
Tiffany confesses that she is not a sore loser at all, no Sir. If she doesn’t make to Hollywood, she promises she’ll walk out of here with her head high and a positive attitude. Given that what you see on this show is never what you get, she will evidently suck dick and have a complete meltdown.
And I’m right. She brays something she claims to be a Divah Carey song, it’s horrible, someone compares her to a donkey, which is an insult to all the donkeys I know. However, Tiffany doesn’t see it that way; donkeys are her favourite animals, so she perceives this comment as both a compliment and an invitation to keep on exploding lightbulbs throughout America with her shrill voice.
Exasperated, Simon pulls a taser from under his desk and aims it at her head. She shuts up. He tells her: “Go to college. George Clooney’s pig was a better singer than you; I should know, we auditioned him in season 2. He wasn’t great, but still much better than many of the human contestants we saw; which is why we didn’t show his audition, although he did make to Hollywood, unlike you. So you go to college and you stay there. Don’t come out. Ever.”
Tiffany would love be to in measure of showing us how positive her attitude is in the face of rejection, but the idea of going to college has completely devastated the poor girl, and she goes all Niagara Falls on us. She leaves in a major huff, dragging her parents along while crying, snorting, bitching, and dissing the other idiotic contestants who made it to Hellywood, in spite of only having half her talent and even less of her ego.
Next, time for our first plant of the night: Joanna Pacitti. If Emily, the pink-haired rocker, had sort of the Carly Smithson vibe, Joanna has the Carly Smithson failed career in common with the ex-Idol. Basically, Joanna got signed by a major label who then dropped her like a hot potato when they realized that she was, well, not hot enough. Or that’s what I assume anyway, it’s not like I checked or anything.
What Joanna tells us, over a bunch of emotional violins, while she’s shown playing the guitar, is that she’s been into music all her life, and that she’s struggled at it all her life, which you’d figure she would take as a clue: GET A FUCKING JOB THEN! But no. So she’s here. Stealing a top-12 spot from some not-yet-a-has-been kid.
Of course, Joanna is very good and of course, she gets through to Hollywood. During the whole time that she’s on-screen, she cries. Before, during, after the auditions, Niagara Falls. I get it, the theme of tonight’s show: waterworks. I preferred the horror theme from episode 1, personally. But I have to say, from all the close-ups on her weeping, that this girl has gorgeous blue eyes.
After the break, Ryan teases us Northerners by rubbing in our faces the fact that “It’s a beauuuutiful day in Loooovell.” FU Seacrest. The camera shows us Mark Mudd’s mug, and before he even opens his mouth, I can tell that he’s gonna stink something bad.
Mark’s sob story is that once upon a time when he was little, he broke a mirror, and ever since, his life sucked hardcore. Then seven years later, he broke another one, and things got even worse and just kept spiraling down, to the point that it eventually led him to audition for Idol.
Mark does seems like a nice guy, but for some reason, he reminds me of Scott Savol… Is it just me? Or is it because he said something about his dad being in prison, and as soon as I heard the word “prison” on Idol, I immediately thought of Scott Savol?… Fuck knows…
Scott’s Mark’s life sucks, and is not about to get any better. As he steps into the audition room, Simon asks him: “Is that a gun?” I don’t know what Simon is referring to, because when you’re taking notes during a TV show, you miss these things. But it doesn’t strike me as nice way to say “Hello, welcome to the cheesiest show on Earth”.
Mark isn’t as bad as I thought he was gonna be, although he’s no Scott Savol. He’s not good per se, but he’s funny and entertaining. Well, at least he makes Randy and I laugh. Paula thoughtfully says: “Not bad… But this isn’t the right competition for you.”
Simon retorts: “What is the right competition? The “Wheel of Fortune”?”
Mark stares at him, then reaches into his pocket and all the judges, minus Randy, jump out of thir seats and huddle up. Kara blurts out: “It’s… true, it’s bec… it’s because youuuu’re… notrightforthecompetition.”
Mark pulls a tissue out of his pocket, blows his nose and says, as he walks out: “Alright then, thanks for your time, be careful!”
Paula freaks out, you guys. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY “BE CAREFUL”? THAT’S A THREAT! SECURITY, SECURITY!”
The other judges, oblivious to this yet other meltdown from Paula, start to debate on whether or not “Be careful” is a threat. Mark gets bored and leaves.
The next dude is called Brent, is good-looking and doesn’t sound like an idiot. That means he’s through.
I can’t remember what he sang, but what I do remember is that he’s got the most ‘rock’n’roll’ voice I’ve so far this season, except maybe Emily, the pink-haired rocker. I like him a lot. This should be an easy one.
Simon: “You’re good, but you have terrible taste in music. Couldn’t you sing one Kara’s numerous pieces of garbage, instead of that emotionless piece of garbage? This song was ridiculous, and the whole thing was buskerish.”
I know this isn’t the most constructive feedback that could be, but it makes a lot of sense in comparison to the absolute nonsense that follows, and which is so fucking stupid that I won’t even bother with it. I’ll just tell you that whatever Simon said gave Kara an irresistible urge to hide under the table. She tried to take Paula down with her, but Paula refused, grumbling: “C’mon, you’re acting even crazier than I was last season! Get yourself together for Christ’s sake, woman!”
Now we know how Kara got her job as a judge. And how Paula kept hers.
The judges all start bickering, and I’m having a flashback of “The View”. While they’re all yelling at one another, the girl at the door inside the audition room, the “yellow-ticket-keeper”, waves at him to come to her. She gives him his yellow ticket, congratulates him, and off he goes to announce his family the good news, while the judges are still arguing about him. Ryan, bored, goes to commercial.
When we come back, the judges have finally shut the fuck up, but unfortunately, not the bad singers. Here’s how it goes:
Bad, very bad, worse, not as bad, the Masked Moron, then a fat guy called Patrick. Or so it says on his TShirt.
The next guy has the unusual occupation of “dueling piano player” and his name his Matt Giraud. That’s kind of a French name. I might have to root for him just for that. But I don’t have to. The guys in the editing room do it for me. Matt sings his song, Paula finds him different, Kara likes him it’s only that sourpuss Simon who questions what he perceives as a lack of confidence. Then he goes on to comparing him to Elliot Yamin, and we just know that Matt is through. Go, French! (Or, go, guy with a French name!)
Nerd-time: Ross. He’s in a suit. He’ll be heading back home right after this, I just can tell. They fooled me with the last nerd, but they won’t with this one.
Ross is the guy who inspired Ron Howard to direct “A beautiful mind”. Ross is a math addict and future crazy genius who possibly teleported himself to Idol by mistake, and decided to make the most of it. In his spare time, he studies YouTube videos and reorganizes the Chinese alphabet, which is SO messy.
He spends ages complaining about the fact that the air is too dry in this crummy arena, and that it dries up his throat. Paula offers him a sip of her liquid speedball, which he slurps nosily before handing it back to Paula. She rolls her eyes, calls the security guy, and hands him her glass, muttering: “Tell ’em to mix me another one.”
In the meantime, Ross has started his audition for what he must have thought was “Tone-deaf opera Idol”; it must be Kara and Randy’s favourite show, because they’re both singing along and having a good time. The rest of us however, aren’t.
Before heading back to his secret lab, Ross “entertains” a bunch of contestants with his “singing”, and then disappears. We’ll hear of him again when Ron Howard directs “A beautiful mind 2”, in 2013.
After a welcome commercial break, more stupid Idol. Girl, Alexis, is 21 years old. Her kid is 2. You do the math. However, the good thing: there’s a fiancé in the background. Now the bad thing: he’s not there. He’s at military school. Which has got to suck. Meaning: boo-hoo, she’s through.
Actually, she’s good. Anyone who doesn’t come across as a comple asshole and who attempts either Heart or Aretha and not butcher it, automatically wins my respect. I like her.
Paula, however, wishes she had more stage presence. Simon finds she has a commercial face, which is totally awesome feedback when you’re a singer. Randy’s goes all lyrical on us, exclaiming: “You could surprise THE WORLD if you came out of your shell!” Wow.
Kara likes her attitude, and gives her a yes.
Alexis retorts: “I’ve loved you from the moment you said yes!” Haha, I love it! And I like her more! Funny people, I tell ya, they’re awesome!
Alexis collects her three missing yesses and is about to be off when Kara gives her the weirdest bit of advice like, ever. “Go make love to your fiancé.”
WTF? I mean, nothing wrong with that, but it’s weird advice coming from a singing judge. Or maybe Kara is just horny and she’s projecting. Regardless, Alexis cracks me up again when she asks, after she’s done staring at Kara: “Is that gonna be on TV?”
LOL! Go Alexis!
As evidenced by the camera, Idol is even more sleep inducing for the contestants than for the viewers. The camera pans over piles of sleepy singers, while others are dozing off, and the insomniacs try to kill time by looking really really bored.
But hyperactive insomniac Aaron is NOT sleepy, no Sir! He’s awake, right in the midst of an ADD attack, and he is super excited to see the judges. So excited in fact, that he jogs into the audition room, where he proudly announces that he’s going to be “America’s Next Top Model”. Ha!
Prediction: he’ll suck. And he kinda does, but see, these are the kind of bad auditions I don’t mind: because the guy is at least fucking hilarious.
He’s gonna do a CCR song, but he gives no warning that he’s going to SCREAM it instead of just singing it, which produces a funny effect on the female judges. Kara starts to do the back vocals, which is nice. Paula finally succumbs to the freakout we’ve been expecting all these years, and starts yelling along with Aaron. It’s fucking mayhem in there.
A few miles away, Ryan is wondering what the hell is all this racket about. He hails a cab to the audition room and bursts in there, baseball bat in hand, and asks: “What the fuck?”
Randy explains that this a “primal scream audition” and that Paula is having her first orgasm since 1988. Ryan goes, “Ah, OK” and heads back out to distribute Valium to the contestants and their families.
Paula gets off the desk, sits back down, lights a cigarette, and sighs: “I got my aggressivity out, thanks Aaron. But it will be a no. Awesome screaming though.”
Aaron jogs out with four noes, but many a thank you from the ladies who liked him a lot, in spite of the fact that his singing is about decibels first, and then little else, really. But I agree with them that he was fun.
Rebecca is a huge star in Louisville, although they never bother to tell us why. But who cares, right? She’s on TV, being on TV. No shit. We meet her as she’s being interviewed by Churchwoods TV, where she’s being very careful not to say what she’s being interviewed for in the first place.
Prediction: I don’t have one. But I have a question, what was she being interviewed for? I really, really want to know. Rebecca, if you read this, please satisfy my curiosity, and put me in touch with the folks from this TV station. If you can be on TV, so can fucking I.
Rebecca has a very bad memory, so she tattooed her song’s lyrics on her arm. The judges call her effing crazy, laugh at her, tell her to sing, then ask her to shut up. Rebecca’s all: “Wwwhhhat?” The judges are all: “Well, you suck is what”, and Rebecca, to stick with tonight’s waterworks theme, starts crying, which is, as everyone knows, a great way to break into the industry.
That’s the moment Kara chooses to re-reveal her not-so-inner bitch, for those of you who missed the Bikini Girl episode. She looks down at her notes, and says to weepy Rebecca: “You have been voted most humourous in school? How fitting! I too find you hysterical!”
At this point, the underpaid security guy gently pushes Rebecca a little to the left, so that he can mop the puddle of tears in which she was standing. Paula advises her to not go to too many auditions. Simon bitch slaps Kara, calls her a cruel obnoxious twat, and tells Rebecca that he likes her as long as she’s not singing. Then he pulls out a Bible and makes Rebecca swear an oath promising she won’t ever sing ever again, not even in the shower.
Before she has time to cry a whole lake, the underpaid security guard ushers her out of the room, by pushing her in the small of the back with his mop handle.
Then Idol decides it’s time to show us some good singers. Three of them, for about 10 seconds each. Then we go to commercials.
After the break: a(nother fucking) sob story.
But first, some shots of rejects not making it.
Then we meet Leneshe. She’s broke. On the upside, she doesn’t feel the pangs of our failing economy as bad as your average American Idol judge. Leneshe is broke, her mother is broke, in fact, they’ve always been broke, and that, is their sob story. Not making fun here, but enough with the damn soppy shit already. It’s gotten old a long time ago.
There’s this big dramatic scene full of tears and tissues and reminiscing about living in shelters, and more tears, and hugs, and seriously, when did this show turn into a soap opera?
Eventually, after some more crying, Leneshe walks into the audition room. Her yellow top isn’t something that I would normally dig, but she really pulls it off. Looks great on her. The judges agree with me and tell her that she’s beautiful. She strikes a pose, takes off her yellow top, and the guys send her to Hollywood.
Not quite. But I wish. To make up for the sob story.
Leneshe goes for the suicide strategy: singing a song of her own. This kind of audacity doesn’t usually pay off on this show. But man, Leneshe pulls it off as well as her yellow top. It’s a pretty damn good song too, and funny! And she can sing. Sob story or not, I like her a lot. She’s cute and obviously creative and talented and perky and stuff. It’s a yes for me.
Simon loves her, he finds her quirky and funny and likes the song. Paula enthusiastically claims that she is “what they need!”, and Kara is freakin’ swept away, you guys.
“Brilliant. First girl that I really dig. You’re original. Yes.”
Paula: I’m a no.
The other judges beat her up with their notes. Paula whimpers: “I was a joke, I…” and then falls asleep.
Meanwhile, Leneshe has rejoined her mum to announce her that tonight, they’re having chicken, to celebrate. Mum is super-happy, and so am I, because I’m done. See ya next week for more of this crap.