Dear Nadya Suleman… I left you a comment.

12 Feb

Unless you live under a rock on another planet, in a galaxy far far away from this one, you must have heard about Nadya Suleman, the woman who took it upon herself to single-handedly fill all of California’s available space with people.

I will spare you the backstory. You should know it by now if you possess a TV, a radio, a computer, or a pair of ears. I haven’t really followed it that closely myself, but I haven’t had to, since it seems to be following me. Every show I watch, every message board I read, the woman with the magically extensible womb is mentioned. Whether it’s the eight new kids, the six old ones, the NBC interview, the alleged plastic surgery, he doctor who did the procedure, Nadya sure gets the tongues going and the fingers typing.

And sooner or later, I was bound to fall into the trap. Which I just did.

I was lurking on the IMDb View board earlier on, when I came across a thread titled: “Octuplet mom launches website”. I clicked on it, and the OP simply said “She’s looking for donations.” And posted the link for the website.

I kept reading the thread, and a poster mentioned that the website featured a ‘comments’ section, but that it had been kept private, meaning the comments are not visible to the visitors. Another poster said that she’d sent Nadya her “thoughts”. Then another one said she’s done the same thing.

I didn’t want to feel left out of the fun, so I checked the “site”, which is basically a single page featuring pictures of the babies and very few things to click on, besides two donation buttons, and two comments buttons. Oh, and a mailing address, in case you don’t do Paypal and are more of a cheque kind of person.

So evidently, I clicked on the ‘leave a comment’ bit, but you know how wordy I am, right? I just couldn’t help turning what should have been a couple of short, expletives-filled sentences into four pages of verbiage. What can I say…

Since I thought my comment would get rejected by the website for being too damn long, halfway though writing it, I decided to turn it into a blog entry. So I babbled to my heart’s content, and once I was done, I decided to give a shot at submitting it anyway. And it worked.

So here is the “comment” I sent to Nadya Suleman tonight…

 

***

“Dear Nadya,

 

I’m writing to you today because you and I have so much in common that I almost see a twin sister in you. For instance, just like you, I tend to do whatever I want, when I want, without giving a thought about the consequences. Even if it doesn’t seem like a good idea, I’ll go ahead anyway. Just like you. We only live once after all, right?

When I was a kid, I was forced to walk or bike everywhere. I grew up speed-depraved, and I now realize that my craving for velocity did a number on my psyche, even as an adult. Like you, I am plagued by an emotional void. Only for me, it’s not about how many kids/per/litter, but rather how many miles/per/hour.

So, throwing all caution to the wind, I went after my dream, and purchased on credit a Lamborghini which I could not afford. My favourite hobby became to drive it over the speed limit around school zones. That behaviour turned out to be expensive: I got six tickets for dangerous driving.

But do you think that threw me off? Well, for a while, it did a little. But after some time, I got depressed, and eventually thought: why, after all, should I let these buzzkills spoil my fun?

So I swung by the local garage, where I asked Joe-the-Mechanic if he could add one horsepower to the engine of my Lamborghini. Even without paying any of my driving tickets, one was all I could afford. So you imagine my joyful surprise when I went to pick up my car, and realized that an anonymous donor had not only paid for for the job, but also for Joe to add not one, not two, but eight extra horsepowers! Eight!!! I heard somewhere that it was possibly illegal to implant that many horsepowers in a Lamborghini, especially when its owner cannot afford it, but I was so happy that I didn’t care!

So I purchased a celebratory magnum of champagne, jammed it between my thighs, and got back behind the wheel. For added excitement, I decided to score a couple of grams of coke, which I sprinkled on the dashboard (I always enjoy a quick snort while I’m waiting for the traffic lights to turn green.)

Unfortunately, the cocaine made me a tad over-confident; as I was entertaining myself pursuing a toddler in a single-lane one way street, BAM, what comes the other way? A police car! Dang! One of the cops asked for my papers and went back to the car to Google me, while the other stuck around to make small-talk. I asked him if I would be in trouble, and he said that since he was corrupted, as far as he was concerned, he didn’t give a damn if I was let off. He then recommended I wipe the cocaine off my dashboard and give it to him, so that if his colleague decided to search my car, I wouldn’t get done for possession.

He helped me finish the magnum of champagne (he wasn’t the one doing the driving; plus, it was a Friday and his shift was almost over), then suggested I put my car in reverse and try to discreetly bugger off. He wished me a good day and was about to walk away, when his colleague came running towards us, screaming: “Joe, Joe! She has previous offenses! Six of them, to be precise!”

And that was it, they took me to the station, and questioned me for what seemed like nine months. It was exhausting. Towards the end, I was nauseous, my entire body felt very heavy and my tummy ached. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.

In the end, I got slapped with eight new driving tickets, on top of the six I already had. Man, I don’t know how I’m gonna pay for them… I personally believe that Joe-the-Mechanic and the guy who paid for the extra horsepowers should somehow be held accountable. But for some reason, the people around me disagree and seem to think that the whole thing is my fault. They keep calling me irresponsible and crazy… I don’t see anything crazy about this myself, because I only was, after all, compensating for all that pain bottled up deep inside me since my speed-less childhood, so I don’t think I deserve all these harsh words. I find people terribly judgmental.

Anyway, I thought our situations were sort of parallel, and that maybe, you’d feel uplifted by some kind words. So Nadya, don’t worry: you’re not crazy and you’re not irresponsible, just somewhat misguided, just like me.

I hope you feel better now.

And if I did make you feel better, do you think it would be appropriate if I asked you for a little favour in return?

My cellmate, Maliah (same name as your second baby, how funny is that, haha!) went on the internet yesterday, and told me that you had launched a donation buttons website, and had scattered photographs of your beautiful octuplets among them.

First, I want to let you know that I find you very clever and creative. I mean, a website about ‘donation buttons’, who would have thought of that, LOL! It’s a super-original concept, I find. I must say that I envy, applaud and respect your skills as a business woman.

As for my favour, given that you’ve already set up two (according to Maliah) donation buttons on your one webpage, do you think it would be possible to add a third that would collect donations for me?

You see, I was already broke when I got my first six driving tickets, but with fourteen in total, I do not know how I’m going to manage. Furthermore, I fear the system might decide to take my Lamborghini away and give it to some boring family who always wanted one, but never was able to indulge.

This is worrying me to no end, and you know as well as me that worrying speeds up the aging process. I will likely need plastic surgery when I get out of here. Another thing that costs an arm and a leg.

So do you think you could do me that favour, Nadya, and set up a donation button for me? In my current predicament, I’m unable to create a Paypal account, not that I would want to do that anyway. I mean, put my money in the bank, so that I end up paying for my fourteen tickets myself, are you kidding me?!

Obviously, I would not be bothering you with this if I was able to do it myself, but I’m not allowed near the prison computer anymore, since the last time I used it, I ended up purchasing a Jaguar online.

I also thought, since it’s worked for you, that I’d too give NBC a shot. I got Maliah to contact them yesterday, to offer them the possibility of interviewing me for $200 000, which is ten times less than what you asked. They weren’t interested, so I told her to reply that I’d do it for free, providing they bail me out. They haven’t gotten back to me yet, but I have a feeling it’s not gonna work out.

So Nadya, it’d really be darling if you could do this. I’ll owe you one. Just state on your website that all donations must be made to “Rebel Without A Clue, Montreal, Canada”, and if you want, you can add that the money will go towards paying for collagen injections for my sure-to-be-horribly-thin-by-the-time-I-get-out-of-here lips.

Nadya, I really appreciate this and I thank you in advance. I hope the future will bring you much happiness and joy, and many, many more children, since you seem to like them so much.

My best to your family, and tell your mother that doing the odd line of coke won’t get her addicted. I’m only saying this because she really looks like she could use a couple.

Take care,

Rebel Without A clue

(Who’s still less clueless than you.)

***

So? Whaddaya think? Like my story?

For the record, the above is complete bullshit. I do not take cocaine, I do not torture toddlers, and I don’t even know how to drive.

Oh, and one last thing: don’t bug me with facts about horsepowers and Lamborghinis. I don’t give a shit about cars, how they work, whether or not you can purchase single horsepowers, or even if there is such a thing as a horsepower. I Googled it, and Google said there was, but you shouldn’t believe everything you read on the internet.

Apart from the fucked up story about the crazy single mother of fourteen. That one’s true.

 

You may send Wonder-Womb your thoughts, money, insults and spare breast milk HERE.

 

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27 Responses to “Dear Nadya Suleman… I left you a comment.”

  1. Lava February 12, 2009 at 11:47 am #

    Great story!

    Like

  2. kataztrophy February 12, 2009 at 12:26 pm #

    Holy crap… I just realized her motives for having all these kids. I think she wants to start up her own NBA franchise or something. 12 are active players, one is the coach, and the last one is a General Manager.

    Like

  3. lpower2 February 12, 2009 at 12:40 pm #

    God, I hope she reads this. You’re so funny!

    Like

  4. sunnyberra February 12, 2009 at 2:27 pm #

    Dear god, I nearly choked on my coffee reading this. It started at the phrase “magically extensible womb” and just got worse 🙂

    Loved it–but it may be just too subtle for Suleman to understand.

    Like

  5. salomey5 February 12, 2009 at 4:32 pm #

    Yowser!!! Comments! Lots of them!!!
    Thank you so much!!

    Seriously, you guys are making me feel relevant. No shit…!

    Hey, my opiniated IMDb gals, I appreciate you taking the time to swing by here. 🙂

    I also want to welcome you, Kataztrophy, thanks for the add and the comment. 🙂

    As for you, Sunny, I’m almost due for a ferret fix, so expect some more silly “What is this ferret thinking?” comments circa tomorrow…

    Tonight, I’m watching the season premiere of Survivor with a friend (the flesh and bones type), which will probably throw me off since I’m not used to talk to people face-to-face anymore (as opposed to through a computer screen).

    Thanks again for commenting. folks, I really appreciate it. 🙂

    Like

  6. That Judi girl February 12, 2009 at 5:45 pm #

    Bravo!

    Like

  7. Tony Hogan February 13, 2009 at 6:08 am #

    Ok , ok, I must be dead, or probably intergalactic. I have no idea what you are talking about. Should I know?

    Like

  8. Not Nadya February 13, 2009 at 10:27 am #

    You shouldn’t even post that woman’s URL.

    There are far more compelling causes out there.

    http://notnadya.blogspot.com, for example.

    Like

  9. salomey5 February 13, 2009 at 11:01 am #

    Not Nadya: dude, that is freakin’ hysterical! Everyone clicks on NN’s username, and donate to a worthwhile cause. Good job!

    Tony, don’t tell me you haven’t heard of crazy infant addict Nadya Suleman?
    Or is just my post that is too “meta” for you? 😉

    Thaks for swinging by, guys! 🙂

    Like

  10. Anok February 13, 2009 at 3:49 pm #

    “Wonder womb” Hahahahahahaha LMAO *snort* Wonderful story, great allegory – but too wordy for a women with 14 kids. I mean, she hasn’t any time since she designates her entire life to her kids now, you know? Even if she only spent one hour a day with each kid, she’ll only ten hours to eat, sleep, beg, and freeze more embryos. It’s a hard life!

    Like

  11. salomey5 February 13, 2009 at 4:44 pm #

    “Even if she only spent one hour a day with each kid, she’ll only ten hours to eat, sleep, beg, and freeze more embryos.”
    Lol! Although that last bit is a little scary…

    Damn you Anok, with your undeniable logic… 😉
    Yeah, I know, I should have just called her a stupid crazy bitch and press “Send”, but it’s just not my style.

    I can’t imagine her receiving many positive comments, honestly…
    But then again, lunatics are many, and all over the place… See: The Duggars. 18 kids, and probably still counting.

    Like

  12. Anok February 13, 2009 at 4:52 pm #

    Oh God the Duggers….but you know? At least they can afford all 18 kids. And they conceived them naturally – as a normal consequence to having sex rather than engineering the whole thing. I actually have some modicum of respect for the way the Duggars “do business’ so to speak. Lot’s of recycling, freecycling, frugal living, well organized. Their house is amazing. Even if I do think it’s insane to teach your kids that if science contradicts the bible then science is wrong, and not to even share a kiss before marriage…well, at least their kids are well wed, cared for, and financially stable.

    I don’t know that sending this woman really harsh messages is a good thing. If she’s mentally unstable….we don’t know what the end result could be. But your response was funny as hell 😀

    Like

  13. cheezmunky February 13, 2009 at 5:08 pm #

    Bitches should litter, not female humans. And if a human female was supposed to give birth to eight babies, shouldn’t she have eight titties?

    Yeah, yeah. I know. Its silly to apply the laws of nature to humans. I can’t help it though. I was raised by wolves. They adopted me and raised me as their own.

    Like

  14. salomey5 February 13, 2009 at 5:48 pm #

    CHEEZ!!! Awesome, my IMDb buddies and my BC buddies all on my blog!
    Jeez, I might have to send Wonder-Womb a donation after all… I owe her a whole bunch of cool, interactive readers…
    But no, I won’t. However, I’m willing to buy NotNadya a beer. So Big Red, if you ever visit Montreal, the first one’s on me. 🙂

    Anyway, Cheez, LOL! Have you picked a Vomit Sandwich yet, or is it still too early?

    @Anok:
    “I don’t know that sending this woman really harsh messages is a good thing. If she’s mentally unstable….we don’t know what the end result could be.”

    Good point.
    However, she might not be all there, but she seems pretty damn savvy when comes the time to make $$$… I just wonder how unstable she really is (I didn’t see the interview though, only very short clips, so I don’t know how she came across on camera.)
    It might seem far out, but I do wonder if money wasn’t a motivation of hers… I dunno, what jobless single mother in her right mind would have even just one more kid, let alone 7, on top the 6 she already has?

    As for the Duggars, they give me the creeps, to be quite honest. They don’t strike me as a happy family as much as some kind of freakish cult.
    I’m with you on the fact that at least, she did conceive naturally, but there’s still something about them that makes me uneasy.
    I guess my issues with fundamentalists from all religions has something to do with it.

    But 18 kids… In this day and age… All called with names starting with a “J”… Who don’t seem to be much, if at all, in touch with the outside world… I dunno man, there’s just something… off about them, I find…

    Like

  15. didi February 13, 2009 at 9:49 pm #

    “When I was a kid, I was forced to walk or bike everywhere. I grew up speed-depraved, and I now realize that my craving for velocity did a number on my psyche, even as an adult. Like you, I am plagued by an emotional void. Only for me, it’s not about how many kids/per/litter, but rather how many miles/per/hour.”

    LMAO! I was an only child and I had to walk to school every day, twice a day. Double whammy!

    Like

  16. Tony Hogan February 14, 2009 at 8:06 am #

    no, i have no idea. What sort of guitar does she play? Is she as good as Kaki King?

    Like

  17. Not Nadya February 14, 2009 at 4:53 pm #

    Thanks Salomey5.

    I’m looking for a publicist. If you know anyone who can get me on CNN let me know. I’m accepting audition tapes.

    Like

  18. maxhate February 18, 2009 at 9:18 am #

    Brilliant. Lambos, magnums, blow, corrupt cops, and a grand total of 14. Very well done

    Like

  19. salomey5 February 19, 2009 at 2:20 pm #

    Hey people, sorry I haven’t showed up in a week to suck up to y’all and tell you over and over how appreciative I am for all these comments that you left (which I am, obviously).

    I wrote a very boring post to explain my absence, but let me spare you some yawns (that post sucks): I got the flu, it knocked me on my ass, and after almost a week, I’m finally feeling better.
    There.

    Now, let me try to answer some of the comments here (in case you guys come back):

    Didi: Damnit, I too am an only child…! I totally forgot to mention that in my post. One more thing that I have in common with Wonder-Womb… Creepy…!

    Tony: I do not think Wonder-Womb is into guitars, but you too have something in common with her: she’s into cords (the umbilical kind), and you’re into chords (the musical kind).
    (Man, this cold and flu medication is a blast, LOL!)

    NotNadya, I wish you the best with getting on CNN. When you do, please go on while inebriated on some of your beer donations: people drunk on TV are hysterical, especially when they’re on live. If you don’t believe me, I have two words for you: Paula Abdul.

    Maxhate, thank you very much. 🙂

    Like

  20. jfinn1319 March 1, 2009 at 4:46 pm #

    You know, you’d think you’d be a little more empathetic towards the plight of the poor, tragically bereft of common sense, accountability and responsibility, Nadya Suleman. After all, don’t you live in a province that would have paid her to have this many kids, as long as they all studied in French?

    😛

    I jest of course; if that were true you guys would already be neighbors.

    Great post 😀

    Like

  21. EnDcEm March 15, 2009 at 5:53 pm #

    Hello from IMDB, Salomey.
    the story was absolutely hilarious. One horsepower, two horsepower, 8 horsepower…you need a dose of TOP GEAR, hehehe.

    But anyways, you did a cool job. But you know, once an idiot, always an idiot (referring to Nadya). Nadya wont understand it. She managed to get 8 kids out of her womb, i guess her mind is no where in a state to see things CLEARLY, lol.

    Loved your blog. Keep up the awesome work.

    Like

  22. jennnnnnn13 March 16, 2009 at 9:17 pm #

    Holy hell, salomey, I certainly hope Nadya reads this, although it might be a little complicated for her to understand. The first sentence doesn’t begin with the words “Pay to the order of Nadya Suleman”…

    Why even bother going to college anymore, when you can just have fourteen children and freeload off the hardworking members of society? Sheesh.

    Like

  23. Renee Whaley March 24, 2009 at 3:02 pm #

    As the mother of one child with Autism, I can tell you to a sure and certain fact adding 13 more children ensures your disabled child is at risk. I am sure that you will discover disabilities in the new infants. The selfishness in your actions is beyond any declaration of love you profess. I hope that the authorities in your area have the good sense to remove these children from your care. What you have done is child crualty of the worst kind…Shame on you. You expect the public to support your actions. NO! If we must raise your children then you should not be in the role of mother…A brood mare would exhibit more caring!

    Like

  24. salomey5 March 24, 2009 at 3:28 pm #

    Hahaha!

    What the hell are you on Renee? Are you addressing ME or Nadya?
    Because I’m NOT Nadya. Just FYI.

    However, I suggest you email the comment you just left here to HER, since it makes a lot of sense (your comment, i mean). What doesn’t make sense is you posting it here and addressing it to me…

    But hell, readers are readers, so thanks for coming by!

    To Jennn, EmDc and Julian, sorry I didn’t reply, I took a self-imposed two weeks break from blogging because i was starting to exhibit signs of obssessive behaviour about it.
    Things are better now, so i’m gonna go back to it, and a month from now, will likely start to develop signs of obsessive behaviour about it again.
    Man, I’m so flawed…

    Like

  25. DameRW March 24, 2009 at 3:42 pm #

    ahhhhhhh…sorry about that. (Red Face) I am so confused about twitters, blogs and whatever…Please disregard! You are so right it is Nadya that makes me want to say unkind things…actually I hope you have a super duper bike
    and continue to do as you please…well as long as I don’t have to pay for it…WINK!

    Like

  26. salomey5 March 24, 2009 at 4:18 pm #

    Oh, no problem, lol!

    I had a feeling you were addressing her and not me.
    I’m serious though, you should email her your comment (if her “comments” feature hasn’t been disabled, that is). Her website’s address is at the very end of my post, and it’s quite a simple one: there are only two things you can click on, and that’s either “comment” or “donate”, so you can’t go wrong.
    I wholeheartedly agree with you, and commend you for thinking in terms of logic and… well sanity. Hope everything is well with your kid. 🙂

    And the other irritant with Nadya, is that she’s not going away. I thought that once she brought the kids home, the public and media would lose interest and she would fade away in oblivion.
    Quite the contrary! Rarely does a day go by without me hearing her name on TV (granted, i often watch TMZ, so you could say I’m asking for it!) She’s shamelessly courting the paparazzi, but pretends she’s trying to get away from them.

    She’s full of it. I really, profoundly dislike this woman.

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Dear Nadya Suleman… I left you a comment. « Rebel Without A Clue | WhoSayWhatWhen - February 12, 2009

    […] Dear Nadya Suleman… I left you a comment. « Rebel Without A Cluethrowing all caution to the wind, I went after my dream, and purchased on credit a Lamborghini which I could not afford. My favourite hobby became to drive it over the speed limit around school zones. That behaviour turned out to […]

    Like

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