The Dancing With the Stars “stars” are pussies

7 Mar


Two blondes down, how many more to go?




I just found out that both Jewel and Nancy O’Dell from Access Hollywood dropped off cheese-fest Dancing With the Stars. And that, just days before it’s slated to start.

Cause: some shit about torn ligaments, smashed knees or whatever.

Yes, you are reading right, the show hasn’t even begun yet. Why the fuck else would I call them “pussies” in the post title?

Between you and I, I don’t give a flying fuck about who stands, who collapses, and who quits this silly show, as long as it’s not Steve O. The rest of them can all bugger off and and compete on “America’s most hopeful has-been” for all I care.

However, isn’t missing two contestants likely to screw up the show’s plans for like, the whole season? How about the abandoned partners? Are they gonna get paid if they’re not dancing this season?

Unless the two frail blondes are replaced? And if yes, by whom? I mean, do they have a stock of spare soap-opera actors who are so desperate for TV facetime, that they’re willing to submit themselves to the grueling training process, just in case DWTS gives them a last minute call?


Well, I now have the answer to one of my burning questions. Remember this kids: when in doubt, use Google. If still in doubt, use whiskey.

After actually bothering to read up on this tragic turn of events, I found out that Blonde and Blonder are indeed getting replaced, and we’ll find out by whom on the show’s premiere on Monday.

But dear readers, will you be able to handle such a long wait?

Well, I’m happy to announce that you won’t have to. Auntie Rebel has a nice crunchy just-heat-and eat conspiracy theory for you.

(As I’m proof-reading this, I’m sorry to say that I’ve had to dismiss said conspiracy theory due to further developments. However, I’ll still tell you about it, just for the hell of it, and also because I already went through the trouble of inventing it and typing it, so I ain’t deleting it. Fuck accuracy.)

Originally, I had pinned down the underlying cause of the blondes’ “withdrawal” from the competition on the crumbling economy. Let me explain further.

For the first time, I’m actually familiar with more than half of the show’s “stars” (as in, I know what they do, or did, for a living). In the previous seasons, I considered myself lucky if knew three of them. 

So logically, if the cast members are both well-known and not desperate to be on DWTS because they already have a job, I can only assume that they must be quite expensive,  as opposed to the has/never-beens who would probably go on any show for nothing if you throw in a swag bag and a free buffet.

And then from there, to conclude that the DWTS producers purposely sabotaged these two pricey blondes in order to cut expenses is only a small step.

DTWS could well have blackmailed Nancy and Jewel’s dancing partners into mistreating them, roughing them up some, and occasionally dropping them on the floor, thus resulting in these knee injuries. Then, for the sake of “The show must go on”, replace them at the last minute with two much cheaper blondes.


Great. What started off as an innocent little filler-post until I’m done with my weekly Idol rant, is turning into a fucking research paper. Everytime I go on the web in search of link to back up what I’m saying, a new development has occurred on this damn show. I am DONE writing about DWTS; too many twists and victims and stuff. It hasn’t even started, and I already can’t keep up.


holly-madison-b Rumour now has it that DWTS has found a replacement for blonde #1 (or 2), in the person of blonde #3 (as to not confuse the slower-minded viewer, I assume), ex-Playboy bunny Holly Madison.

I will immediately call Holly as the winner, because I believe that if you can find it in yourself to have sex with Hugh Hefner, you can do anything.

However, no word yet as to the identity of the spare blonde who has been discreetly training behind the scenes, while secretly hoping for an “accident” to happen to one of the “Stars”, so that she’d get the call.

Which quite naturally leads me to another, much more plausible conspiracy theory.

These sudden occurrences of last minute knee accidents forcing our two blondes to quit the competition can only lead to one conclusion: blonde #2 (or 1) will undoubtedly be replaced by Tonya Harding.

It makes complete sense: this show will clearly hire just about anyone who had their face on TV sometime during the last millennium.

And Tonya Harding is perfect for DWTS: she went from admired to infamous to nowhere in sight; she has got to be desperate enough for money that she’ll do just about anything for peanuts; she’s an ex-athlete, so she’s bound to handle the training much better than folkster Jewel and learn much quicker than entertainment bimbo Nancy O’Dell.

Furthermore, she too is blonde, which is a sure sign.


And come on, let’s get real here… Two smashed knees, right before the competition? It’s just SO Tonya.


And now, I’m out of here, before I have to add a paragraph about how Rupaul is going to replace Belinda Carlisle after she fell off her stilettos.

Enjoy the premiere on Monday, and don’t forget to vote for Steve O and Tonya Harding!


6 Responses to “The Dancing With the Stars “stars” are pussies”

  1. sunnyberra March 8, 2009 at 4:32 pm #

    And see, my theory was just that the women didn’t want to be caught dead on Dancing With The Stars. (once you go reality, you’re status as celebrity dies a grisly death. Or so I’d like to believe *g*).


    • salomey5 March 8, 2009 at 11:30 pm #

      Oh, I didn’t know you had a theory on women on DWTS…!
      You’re right about the celebrity status taking a dive once someone ventures into the reality TV territory though.
      There’s a stigma attached to it; once one does a reality show, it seems that they can’t be taken seriously anymore, and that they only did it because they were desperate to get their face on TV.
      Between you and I, doing DWTS is probably quite fun… I sure know that if I was asked, I would say hell, yes! I’d love to learn a new dance every week!


      • sunnyberra March 9, 2009 at 1:05 am #

        You’d be surprised about how many theories I have going on subjects I know nothing about. It’s a gift. *g*

        But, I’ll give you that: maybe this show has a little bit more of a…redeeming value than most of the others out there. I’d probably still poke someone in the eyeball if (for god knows what reason) they asked me to join it 🙂


  2. Roy March 9, 2009 at 3:55 pm #

    Girls I would dance with both of you


  3. MadMadMargo March 15, 2009 at 9:34 pm #

    Absolutely hilarious. I off the floor now, but the tears of laughter are still clouding my vision.


  4. toddyenglish March 17, 2009 at 10:44 am #

    See, this is why it really doesn’t pay to be anorexic. You need proper nutrition and bone density ladies.

    Anyway, why do they keep calling this mess “Dancing with the Stars?” Uhm, the only bonafide celeb on the show is Lil Kim…The rest of these people aren’t even as well known as the show’s dancers!

    Who in the bloody hell is Tony Douvalani (sp?)’s partner? Aw hell if I care…He is hotter than a firecracker on a sweltering HOT 4th of July! Oh my god he’s so gorgeous!


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