It’s 6pm on Wednesday.
I’m gonna give a shot at recapping American Idol tonight, although I’m starting to believe that I now hate this fucking show. I just find it SOOOOO boring… I don’t know if it’s the contestants who seem to have all the sparkling personality of a pile of bricks, or the presence of too many judges talking waaayyy too much, or that the show is so full of nothing and filler and bullshit and crap and shit instead of Goddamn singing, or that David Cook isn’t in it, but Danny is…
It could also be that I’ve realized I could attract readers to my blog with topics other than Idol… Like for instance, Dancing with the Stars, which sounds way more fun right now, what with all these D-listers dropping like flies. Apart of course, from J-lister Steve O, who’s awesome. Although if he keeps hurting himself like this, he might have to drop out of the show before even getting a chance to whip out his penis and urinate on Bruno Tonioli’s Italian shoes.
Unfortunately, for some boneheaded reason, CTV decided not to air Dancing with the Stars this season. And with the producers of these stupid competition shows being super-anal about their precious copyrights crap, I can’t find it anywhere online, and torrents are just too much hassle. Most times, by the time I’ve found the episode and finished downloading it, I’ve already heard all the juicy details from about 16 other TV shows, and don’t even feel like watching it anymore.
I dunno, I just cannot pinpoint exactly why, but dude, I now find blogging about American Idol about as inspiring as the idea of going bungee jumping in Siberia or something…
Anyway, I thought I’d give it another try tonight, since, thanks to Obama, I’ll get to see the show live. I’m not usually home on Tuesday nights, so I hope Barack and his bi-monthly addresses keep on bumping Idol to Wednesdays until the end of the season. I don’t watch “Lost”, so for me, it works out great.
OK, so I will (maybe) see you back here after the show. In the meantime, I’ll be trying to find a way to tie up some of these damn AOL CDs on my balcony, and hopefully get rid of these fucking pigeons once and for all. See y’all later!
Please take note that because my fucking internet is down AGAIN, fuck you to Cooptel (my ISP), I’ve had to, again, rely on my buddy Ian to sort me out with his laptop and some horrendously unreliable wireless connection which is unstable as hell, but still better than nothing. So thanks again, Robin-Hood. And get your fucking ass down to Foufs with me soon, alright? 😉
Where was I? Oh yeah, the notice. This laptop, as life-saving as it may be right now, has a tiny little keyboard which I am not accustomed to, and the left shift-key doesn’t like me and will only type one capital letter out of three. If I stand a chance to publish this tonight, i will have to do myself a favour and slack off on the typos and insignificant stuff like capital letters at the beginning of each sentence. So pardon me if this post looks like crap, and blame Cooptel and their shitty internet service for it.
OK. Intro, check. Notice, check… Up next: show.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to American Idol, season 8, top … top what again? They’ve confused me with their stupid top 13 crap… What is it, 10, 11? Bah, who cares…!
Ryan introduces the contestants as the most-talked about singers in the US. Too bad it’s in terms such as “boring”, “bland”, “without personality”, and “I SO miss last season’s contestants… 😦 “.
I see they haven’t yet dropped this newly acquired bad habits of theirs, of having the judges enter from behind the curtain, …
SHUT UP YOU STUPID FUCK!!! Sorry, there’s some asshole downstairs screaming like an idiot… I live near a university, it happens all the time… Sorry about that…
Ok, yeah, this new “grand entrance” crap for the judges… Another one of these season 8 “changes”, I bet…?
Well, they should give it up. It’s useless, it’s a waste of time, and it gets on my nerves, because the blabbermouth that I am just cannot help herself from recapping insignificant shit like that… You see? You’re slowing me down, Idol.
Ryan talks briefly about last week’s “shocking elimination” of Alexis who got the boot instead of … Actually, i don’t even know who stank last week, because i didn’t see any of the performances. Anyway, doesn’t matter, bottom line is: Alexis has gone, and we’re still stuck with boring farts Lil and Danny and Michael and Kris and Anoop and what’s-his-face, and all the rest of them really, with the exceptions of Adam, Megan and Allison, who are the only ones keeping me remotely interested in this crapfest.
Conscious of my already growing irritation, Ryan urges the judges, who are still stupidly standing in front of the stage, to go sit their fucking asses down already. He then asks them if they’re sad that Alexis’ gone instead of say, Scott.
Kara answers that the reason Alexis was kicked out was because of her horrible tastes in music, and that it has nothing to do with the fact that mothers, single or not, were over-crowding the competition.
Ryan and Paula then have a publicly intimate moment, during which they comment on one-another’s get-up, flirt some, leave briefly for a backstage quickie and walk back onstage passing a cigarette back and forth.
At 8.04pm, the words “top 10” (ah! Top 10, good! One better than top 11!) are pronounced, then immediately forgotten as we move on to the Motown bio, which is way cooler than a Mariah Fkn Carey bio.
The Idols are treated to a tour of the Motown studios, and obviously, Lil is featured a lot because she’s like, black.
Tonight’s mentor will be Smokey Robinson.
You guys, Berry Gordy, the founder of Motown Records is in da house! That’s actually pretty cool! So much better than Elisabeth Screech Hasselbeck! Hey, I may actually enjoy tonight’s show! Thanks again, Barack!
Matt Giraud’s up first. He confesses he never thought he’d find himself playing the piano for Smokey Robinson. I bet Smokey Robinson never thought he’d have Matt Giraud playing the piano for him either.
Matt sings: “Let’s get it on” by Marvin Gaye. This could be good, Matt is a pretty soulful guy. Actually, he BETTER be good. It’s a nice night tonight, and there’s a great band who plays on Wednesday nights in a bar nearby… I could well have gone to see them, instead of staying in, taking notes for this show (actually, I must admit that the laptop is coming in handy right now.) So make it worth my while, Matt Giraud!
I like it. Matt approaches the judges’ desk and sings to them, and gets Paula and Kara dancing in their chairs in the process. Not that it’s really difficult, especially with Paula. The challenge with her in fact, is to keep her in her chair for five consecutive minutes.
Randy is very happy about a bunch of things tonight: it’s Motown night, Berry’s here and he’s awesome, Smokey is here too and is equally awesome, and Matt also is here and awesome. It’s awesome. Randy makes a prediction: Matt will win. (Well, Randy doesn’t actually say that. But it would have been funny if he had.)
Kara starts off by dropping a sexual innuendo regarding the girls who are probably drooling all over their Crackberry right bow, while exchanging text messages along the lines of: “ogm matt is soooo hottt!!1 i’ll get it on with him, lol!”. She then commends him for leaving the piano behind and coming to the front of the stage so that horny girls can take a good look at his privates and have more stuff to text one another about after the show’s over.
Paula says stuff that I wasn’t listening to because I was still typing the previous sentence, but she ends her critique by comparing Matt to something along the lines of “wearing a great pair of morning jeans”. I think that’s what she said. I’m so glad to see Toxic Paula is back! I missed her!
Simon has heard of the crazy fangirls who are chasing David Cook from one US capital to the other and threatening his virginity with pink bunny ears and giant condoms, so he orders the contestants to please not get off the stage like that and get so close to him anymore .
He then says that it was a great song choice for Matt, that the performance was cool, and that from now on, Matt should strictly stick to singing Marvin Gaye songs and nothing else, even on grunge week.
Back from commercial, Ryan tells us to visit iTunes and buy something from them.
He then reminds us (well, you, I didn’t see the show, remember?) that the next contestant showed us his sensitive side last week. I’d like to throw a wild guess here, and predict that this week, we’ll see more of that same sensitive side, because the “someone” Ryan was referring to, is Kris.
In the clip from the rehearsal, Smokey says that Kris blew him away with his guitar skills.
Back on the the set of Idol, Ryan is standing in front of the judges’ desk, urgently whispering to them: “Smokey loved him. You’ll look like complete asses if you don’t agree with him, so you better like him too… Or at least, pretend you do.”
Kris is indeed a good guitarist. Oh, he’s singing: “How sweet it is (to be loved by you)”.
Seriously, I hate to admit it, but it’s alright. I mean, I’m not blown out of my socks, but he’s kinda growing on me. As in, he hasn’t annoyed me in quite a while. Maybe I don’t need him as a scapegoat after all, since I already have Lil and Danny to hate on.
Kara, again, jumps straight onto the sex thing: “You didn’t do James Taylor, You didn’t do Marvin Gaye; you did yourself, and that’s great. However next time, I think you should do me.”
Kara sprays some water on her face with one of these fancy Evian mineral water mist bottles, then pursues: “You ‘ve done everything right this performance.”
Paula exclaims “how sweet it is” (Ha! couldn’t help myself, sorry!) to see him coming to his own, picking great songs, and finishing them on a show-offey high note, thus leaving everyone in the room with a good impression. She finds he’s growing, and thinks he’s brilliant.
Simon commends him for being smart and doing his own version of the song, but adds that the next step for Kris is to get a fucking personality already. Like for instance, the personality of a conceited singer. Everyone goes like: “What? Conceited? But why?” Simon further explains: “A good celebrity is basically a conceited asshole. Like me. And look where that got me.”
Randy: “It was all good, not bad, yo, Dawg.”
Follows a dialogue between Ryan and Simon in which they determine which one of the two is the most conceited, and they eventually both agree that it’s Simon. In the audience, some bored guy shouts:
“Kris, I’m not gay, but I’d like to suck your cock in the parking lot after the show!”
Kris smiles and nods, then winks and gives thumbs up in the guy’s direction.
Ryan mutters: “Me too. The… ahem, parking lot… after…?”
Kris goes: “Huh? I didn’t hear what you said…”
Ryan: Hum, nothing… The… judges were saying you need more… self-belief, what do you think?
Kris: I think that Simon is right and that I should believe in myself more. But conceited? What the heck? Do you really think I want to be like you, Simon?! Haha!”
As the camera pans out and we head to commercial, Ryan, his face as red as a beet, is seen whispering in Kris’ ear while pointing in the direction of backstage.
Apparently, Scott was at the origin of a huge fight among the judges last week, although I’m not quite sure about what exactly. But since I don’t really care, i won’t bother looking it up.
Questioned by Ryan about his impressions of the judges’ feedback for his last performance, Scott replies that he intends to not take anything the judges say into consideration and just do his won thing, now that he knows he’s going on tour. He adds that if it worked for Jason Castro last season, there is no reason it shouldn’t work for him too.
He then explains that he’s single, and that to make sure it stays that way, he’s gonna sing “You can’t hurry love”. He then jokes that he hopes his groupies get the message, should he win.
The song starts off slow, then speeds up.
Scott is a pretty good piano player, however, as much sympathy as i have for him because he’s blind and all, he really isn’t that great a singer. He does seem like a nice guy and all, but vocally, no dice.
Paula thought it was great that he brought a singer to the piano with him.
Scott: There was a singer at the piano with me?
Simon: There was a line in the song that said: “How much more can I take”…
The audience boos, but Simon gives them the finger and keeps going: “The piano was honky-tonk, and the back-up singer wouldn’t have a chance in hell to make it to Hollywood if she was auditioning for this show, instead of being employed by it. The song choice was wrong and i thought it was cheap.”
Simon: Yes, cheap.
Everyone: What do you mean by cheap?
Simon: I forgot. But I like it saying it. It makes me sound more conceited, i find.
Randy says that he doesn’t agree with Simon often, but tonight, he will, in the honour of the upcoming “Earth day”. He adds that he found the performance average, and basically repeats what Simon said, only in a less conceited way.
Kara: If nothing else, you brought tempo, and you took liberties with song. Your ideas were good, it’s just too bad the execution wasn’t. But you got the beat though!
Scott reiterates what he said earlier about his intentions to ignore the judges’ suggestions, especially the ones regarding ditching the piano, and threatens that he’ll quit if they take it away from him.
Simon interrupts him with a question about what Scott’s second song choice was, but before he has time to answer, Simon snaps that he should have picked it instead of the one he just sang.
Ensues a long argument with a lot of cross talk, a bit like on the View, but ending with Paula giving Simon a box of Crayola and a colouring book, as well as an apology to all the six-years-olds in America.
Meanwhile on stage, Scott, whom I suspect is high, cracks a joke about pink pants, which I don’t get, then proceeds to giggle madly.
As we head to commercial, the camera shows Simon trying to shove a purple Crayola up Paula’s left nostril. She punches him in the nuts as the annoying American Idol “Waaaa-wa!” jingle comes on.
When we come back, Ryan is sitting on the judges’ desk, with his ass right in Randy’s face, asking Paula what else she has under her skirt, besides Crayola. What the fuck is up with Ryan tonight? He’s abnormally frisky!
Smokey qualifies her as a little jazz, a little cabaret, and loves that she’s so different. Megan sort of agrees: “I guess I’m different…”
I forgot what song she picked, but should you want to know, I heard that this kind of information is available on the web.
Her hair’s done up a bit like Marilyn Monroe tonight.
Unlike, well, everyone, besides possibly Vote For The Worst, I wasn’t a big fan of Megan at the start. But she started to grow on me from the top 36.
Unfortunately, she’s not doing very well tonight. During her song, she walks towards the judges and is about to go past Simon, but abruptly switches direction when she remembers the David Cook incident and Simon’s request for the contestants to stay away from him until they have become conceited celebrities themselves.
Oh well, that’s nice… Paula and Simon are pinching one another’s cheeks during Megan’s marathon-esque 90 seconds performance. Very classy, judges.
Randy declares he has mad love for her and her outfit, but not for the song. It didn’t fit (the song, not the outfit), he thought it was rushed and hectic and mad crazy and he didn’t feel it.
Instead of explaining to Megan how singing is done, Kara decides to simply show her, by singing the song she thinks Megan should have picked, in the way she thinks Megan should have sung it. I am the only one to get a flashback of a certain Bikini Girl here? Oh, and speaking of her, have you seen her brand new fake boobs?
Paula stutters: “Your stunning beauty takes my breath away. The camera loves you. But it wasn’t the right song. I first thought it was too low, then i thought it was too high, then I thought it was both at once, then I thought I was too high, then…”
Simon interrupts her: “Good news, you do look good.” He then pauses, waiting for the audience to applaud, but when they don’t, he disdainfully points out that he just paid Megan a compliment and that a little crowd appreciation would be nice. He then proceeds to bash the arrangements, the song, which he calls atrocious, and suggests she fires every single one of the assholes who give her advice, because it’s clear to him they don’t want her to succeed. He then devilishly grins at the audience.
Unfazed, Megan stares at him and declares coldly: “I love the song. I had a good time.”
OK, pardon me, but I must briefly go slightly off-topic here; Megan’s last statement to Simon (which wasn’t quite as bitchy as I made it to be, in case you haven’t yet grasped my sense of humour), is possibly word for word the same answer I read in an awesome article earlier on today, called the “Idol translator“.
Here’s a taste of it which actually made me LOL:
That song was too big for you: “You are a small woman from Oklahoma, and that was sung originally by a large woman from Detroit.”
I had a great time: Used by contestants rather than by judges, this means, “You are right that my performance was extremely embarrassing, and I wish I had something more clever to say in response.”
Got the idea? So quick, go read it, because it’s fricken hilarious! I’ll wait here.
Back from commercial, we find out Anoop Dog is going to sing “Ooh baby baby”. In the rehearsal clip, Smokey goes on for ages about the song, its origin, its history and all that, but doesn’t comment at all about Anoop’s interpretation. It must mean he doesn’t like it. He adds that this is a sensual, sentimental song, which means that I’m not gonna like it either.
Since he has no advice for Anoop about how to sing the song, Smokey just smiles at him and tells him not do anything at all with it, and that it’ll be all good.
Smokey was kidding; this song is neither sentimental or sensual. However, it’s boring aplenty…
Anyone still awake?…
One thing i can tell about Anoop though, is that he’s got a good head voice. And i don’t mean anything sexual by that, you libidinous little fuckers.
Kara praises him for picking the hardest song ever to sing, and is impressed with something that has to do with the connection with his chest voice, and which is apparently very hard to do. She finds he did a pretty good job at convincing her that he can actually sing, something that it seems she was not buying up until tonight. She also gives him props for changing the melody, something which, if I’m not mistaken, she gave Scott shit for doing earlier on. I love how consistent these judges are.
But to her credit, at least I don’t believe she was smooching with Simon during Anoop’s performance, unlike a certain sedated and horny female American Idol judge…
Speaking of Paula, she loves Anoop’s new found confidence, but would like him to find even more. Other than that, it’s gush gush gush.
Simon thought Anoop showed some great vocals, but that he looked like he was half-asleep, and that it was a bit boring.
(Rebel Without A Clue: “Word, brother!”)
Simon adds that Anoop’s now needs to learn a little something about showmanship, because he’ll never get an album recorded if he’s always gonna put to sleep everyone he’s working with in the studio.
Randy enjoyed Anoop Dawg and thought it was nice to see him crooning, but can’t help himself from calling it a little pitchy. Then, after a long pause and some reflecting, he comes up with the profound conclusion that the boys are really strong this season, Dawg.
Rebel Without A Clue: But, Randy? That’s like saying that Ryan is the best host on American Idol. The dudes kinda have the numbers on their side, you see… Chances are that you will find more talent among seven guys than three girls… Just saying…
Michael Sarver didn’t get to go to Detroit with the other Idols because he was sick. Or so he says. The truth is that all that was up with Michael was a slight constipation problem, which he found damn convenient, because he really doesn’t dig Motown.
Alone at the Idol mansion, after popping a couple of laxatives, Michael decides he’ll chill by shooting some pool while congratulating himself for escaping this crappy Motown theme. As he’s heading to the pool mansion, the doorbell rings.
Damn! Smokey Robinson at the door! Shit!
Smokey wasn’t gonna have some redneck type dude skipping on his mentoring gig, and decided to go pay him a little visit at the mansion! BURN, Michael!
However, Smokey was starting to regret his trip to LA: “Michael is a big guy with a big voice; the problem is, I hate the way he sings my song. And the other problem is, I dare not tell him because he’s a REALLY big guy.”
Oh, it’s “Ain’t too proud to beg”! I love that song! Too bad I don’t love Michael. Or any of the other contestants, really…
It’s decent. Awkward, but decent. Michael goes and shakes a few hands in the audience, to demonstrate how approachable he is to his fans. The subtext I read in this gesture is: “Me likey groupies, and I ain’t too proud to beg, so bring it on, Fuck Bunnies!”
Michael aims for a big finish and ends his song on a big note with lots of frills, since it seemed to have worked for Matt.
As soon as the song is over and Ryan approaches him, the joyful expression on Michael’s face immediately vanishes to be instantly replaced by one of pissed-off-ness; it’s quite funny.
Then something really bizarre happens: Paula decides to channel Simon and take on the part of the “mean judge”, but it’s a disaster. Paula might be high as a kite 22/7, she might be incoherent and/or downright weird at times, but I really believe that this woman doesn’t have one mean bone in her body. So it’s really comical to see her trying to be tough, and stuttering through expressions such as “Las Vegas-ey”, and “lounge-y”, and tripping all over herself while doing it. She must have really hated it!
Simon is more succinct; he says he couldn’t wait for it to end, that all Michael was doing was shouting and screaming the song, and that since he stands no chance in hell of winning, he might as well go home now so that they can bring Alexis back.
Michael: Simon, I respect whatever it is that you’re sayin’, but i gave it my 110%, so I’m feeling good. Plus I’d like to remind you that I was sick. It didn’t help. And on that topic, it came to my attention that when Megan was ill last week, it was mentioned several times on the air. And now that I am, no one says a peep? I mean, why the double-standard? Big guys like me aren’t allowed to get sick?
Simon: Shut up, I’m right. And don’t you be conceited with me. Who do you think you are? Kris?
Randy: You made it corny because you were trying too hard. It was not the right song choice.
Kara: At this point, it’s not about singing, but about artistry and making it your own. You need to show us who are you as an artist, and quit coasting on your “singing oil-rig guy” persona.
Ryan: Wow! How shit are you feeling after hearing all this?
Michael: I’m good! And I couldn’t care less what they think. I made the tour and I’m having a blast, so fuck ‘em!
If you go on iTunes with a credit card, you will be able to purchase some of the excellent original instrumental Motown recordings, unfortunately spoiled by the vocals of the Idol contestants which have been slapped on top.
According to what Ryan says about Lil Rounds having some kind of meltdown in Detroit, it seems she attracts sob stories like Brad Pitt does hot actresses.
What happened was that Lil got extremely emotional over some framed picture that she saw hanging on a wall over at the Motown studios, and has been sobbing uncontrollably ever since. She explains that she needed a shoulder to cry on, and that Smokey offered his. Whether or not they found the time to rehearse in between waterworks doesn’t come up.
Let’s just say that as far as I’m concerned, Lil, all this bawling won’t get you any brownie points with me.
Lil is going to sing “Heat wave”. She looks terrific tonight. She’s wearing an awesome flapper dress which I would have killed to get my hands on last Halloween. And I’d still kill to have it now, although I don’t know where the hell I’d wear it. This kind of get-up with lots of fringe at the front makes playing pool a right pain in the ass.
I love it when the Idols pick songs that reflect their mind frame. Lil belts: “I can’t keep from crying”, and I, bust out laughing.
Man, that’s a great song…! I SO wish she was Melinda right now… Melinda could rip the shit out of this song, as well as many other songs. In fact, they should bring Melinda back every season until she wins.
But although it is pretty good, there is just something about Lil’s singing that bores me, so let’s talk about her hair for a second. Flapper style too. A wig, obviously. It looks good though. She’s completely unrecognizable tonight, but she looks great. And re-reading that last sentence made me realize that I’ve just paid Lil a back-handed compliment. Oh, well. I’ll leave it in.
However, it could be just be me, but doesn’t she sound quite… ordinary tonight? As in, more ordinary than usual? I mean, I never bought the hype around Lil, but she sure can sing. But tonight, I really don’t find her vocals to be all that sock-blowing. Maybe singing Motown shit is making her feel all emotional again, but it doesn’t translate as well in her performance as it did in her rehearsal clip.
It must just be me; the crowd loves it and won’t shut the hell up. Randy screams: “Yo, yo, yo, YO, YO, YOOOOOO!” to get their attention. After a while, they calm down.
Randy: Yo, whassup, are you feelin’ good?
Lil: Yeah, you?
Randy: See, that wasn’t it for you for me. This is what it should be like…
Randy starts singing. Next to him, Kara snaps her fingers. Paula gets up on the desk, starts dancing and begins to undress. A nurse arrives, quickly plants a syringe filled with a colourless liquid in one of her butt cheeks, and slips away again. Paula sits back down.
Randy pursues: See? This is what I had in mind for you for me. What you did wasn’t it for you for me.
Kara: You look great. Tonight, you were the diva that everyone was waiting to hear, and you disappointed us.
The audience boos. Startled, Kara turns around and looks at them in disbelief: “Shut up. This is called “constructive criticism”. I know it’s not something you’re used to hear on this show, but as a judge, I’m hoping I’ll be able to change that.
Paula: I disagree: I feel Lil owned the song. However, I do concur that she looks beautiful.
Simon: I can see why you got emotional in Detroit, even though it still strikes me as rather silly. I think you tried to do an authentic tribute to a Motown song, but I agree with Randy that it didn’t do it for you for me anymore than it did it for you for him. It’s a shame, because you could have had a moment tonight.
Paula: She did have a moment.
Simon; I said it was authentic.
Simon: Oh, can it. Here, have a Crayola. Apparently, the yellow one is toxic, you’ll love it.
Lil’s response to the feedback she just received is to go completely verbose, but I don’t understand most of what she says, due to her speaking too damn fast in an accent I don’t hear all that often. Don’t forget I’m French; I sometimes find it hard to keep up with strong accents or rapid-fire delivery. Anyway, I’m sure what she was saying wasn’t that important. After all, who says anything of significance on American Idol?
Adam is up next.
“I’m really nervous”, he tells Smokey; “I find you very intimidating.”
Smokey is intrigued by Adam. He explains he never heard his song done like that before. But Adam, who didn’t come on Idol to get his butt kissed, but to learn stuff, cuts him off: “Hey, Smokey! Here, look at me! The song… What inspired you to write it? How did it go? Was it hard?”, and scrupulously repeats word for word each of Smokey’s answers into a mini-tape recorder.
Whoa, you guys! Adam totally looks like Elvis, tonight! An Elvis with earrings and a huge motherfucking ring on his finger, but nonetheless, in his elegant suit, with his hair slicked back, he looks so much more like Elvis than Adam Lambert that it’s quite striking.
Today, Adam decided that he was going to showcase strictly the high range of his vocal high range. Thus, he sings the whole song in falsetto.
One line says: “My hope is fading”. Mine too, Adam, mine too…
I love Adam, but this isn’t the Adam for me for him for me. I like the borderline campy Adam, the one with the eyeliner and the black nail polish who takes the stage and owns it for as long as he’s on it. I like the Adam who reminds me of the bastard child of Freddie Mercury and Axl Rose (not that Axl Rose would ever want anything to do with that, but have no fear Axl, Freddie has been pushing up the daisies for the best part of the last two decades, so don’t worry about dropping the soap.)
Adam ends on a crazy neverending note which blows up the light bulb of my nearby halogen torch. It’s impressive, but it didn’t do it for me. This isn’t the Adam who wakes me up from my dozing through 30 minutes of Lil, Danny and Michael. This Adam is too subdued for me, so I hope that Adam brings Adam back next week, since it’s not like neither are going anywhere… OK, I’m getting confused now…
After finishing his song, Eldam walks towards Ryan, who stares at him and asks: “Who the hell are you?” Eldam looks back at him, ruffles his hair, laughs and turns towards the judges.
Kara is beside herself: “I HAVE TO STAND UP! One of the best performances of the … night, best artistry of night… Wow!
Paula: I love your instinct of always bringing in an element of surprise. I also appreciate that fact that you didn’t ask if you could borrow the make-up kit that I always keep under my skirt along with other stuff that I can show you later if you’d like. You actually look like a guy tonight, and a very handsome one at that…
Simon: I disagree with Kara; that wasn’t “one of the best”, but THE best performance of the night. You showed originality, that was a great song choice, which also showcased Smokey’s talent as a songwriter. You emerged as a star tonight.
Randy: From day 1, I had the feeling you were a guy who could do anything… For once, I was right. That was unbelievably hot, Dawg!
Ha! That’s so funny! Looking at Adam and Ryan standing side by side in their suits, with their hair all impeccable and stuff, makes me think of a groom and his best man. A groom who looks like he’s dying to get the fuck out of this stupid suit and back into his drag/fetish/bondage gear.
But after Ryan has done reading his number, Adam lets out a very enthusiastic “Thank you!” with a big great smile on his face, and for a second, suit or not, he’s like totally adorable.
Danny announces that after reading the internet, and not liking what he saw, he decided that he would do a fun song tonight: “Get ready”. He then adds, to the attention of the other contestants, that he recommends they avoid surfing Vote for The Worst at all costs.
The rehearsal clip reveals two things:
1) that I may have to swallow my pride and recognize that this annoying dude can sound pretty not bad sometimes.
2) that Danny must occasionally wear contact lenses, since he doesn’t have his glasses on in the clip.
Other than that, Smokey confesses to us that he is sure Danny will do wonderful. Really, Smokey?
For tonight’s performance, Danny will be wearing his glasses.
His dancing is really bad.
I knew it, fuck! This asshole is making it really hard for me to not love this. It’s an awesome song, the band’s hitting it hard and sounds great, and he’s totally up to par. I hate him.
He redeems himself by doing a silly little dance with the back-ups singers, à la Tina Turner and the Ikettes, but other than that, he gives me absolutely nothing to shit on. Bastard.
Ah, this is my favourite moment of the show, the one where they’re running short on time and the the people from CSI are starting to call Idol to make sure they don’t infringe on their show, again. Also the moment when the judges are forced to cut the crap, quit being their irrelevant and useless selves and stick to doing what is in their job description: judging.
Paula: I love you because you’re identifiable. That was a first class performance.
Simon: I thought it was clumsy and amateur.
Randy: You have a Levi Stubbs type voice, really dope. It was not your best performance but you had good energy.
Kara: (??? What the fuck did I write? I don’t understand my notes, you guys, sorry. She did say “Good but not great” though.)
Ryan: feeling good?
Ryan: Good. We’ll be right back after these messages.
See, that performance was a piece of piss to recap, because the judges kept it nice and short! Why can’t they always go at that pace? Tsk…!
Back from commercial, Allison, who’s inherited tonight’s pimp spot, tells us that she picked “Papa was a rollin’ stone” to show her fun side. I find this somewhat weird, because if someone has yet to be dull and boring on this show, it’s Allison.
Once again, like he did with Anoop Dog, Smokey spends the whole rehearsal clip babbling about the song and its deepest meaning, instead of talking about Allison. He does admit having some concerns about her screwing up the lyrics in some way I didn’t catch, but he still says that he thinks she’ll do great because she made the song her own. It’s just too bad he happens to have a profound dislike for that “own”.
I really hope leggings go out of fashion in the very near future, because outside of aerobics class, I find them to be extremely fugly.
Allison scats. I really do love her voice, but I’m not all over this performance. It’s still good though. It’s just… this season isn’t… last season. Yeah, that’s my problem: this season. I just don’t seem to be able to get passionate about any of these kids, even the ones that I like.
Sigh… It’s just something I’ll have to learn to get over, I guess…
Anyway, Allison ends the song in such majorly kick-ass fashion, that she gives me renewed hopes of maybe finding it in myself to care about this show again.
Randy: Yo, check it out, you’re 16, Dawg! That was blazing hot!
Kara: 16. Years. Old. And you were in the bottom 3 last week?! What the fuck, America? You’re 16, and you sound like you’re 400 years old…! You can’t teach that! Whoo!!!
Allison: Paula, why is there a mustache drawn with Crayola on your upper-lip? Don’t you find it a tad inconsiderate to get ready for a costume party during my performance? Couldn’t it wait for a few minutes?
Paula tries to punch Simon who’s laughing at her, and they start play-fighting. Paula turns towards Allison just long enough to say: “You’re amazing and beautiful!” before straddling Simon who is giggling like a 4 years old on a sugar rush.
Pressed by Ryan, Simon articulates, betweens two laughs: “Allison, you’re a survivor, one of your best performances, very good.” He then proceeds to try and lick the Crayola mustache off Paula’s upper lip. I don’t know what the hell it is that they put in these crayons, but I’m gonna get a box and melt them in a cup of tea, see what happens.
It’s finally time for the recap of tonight’s performances, th…
Oops! I dozed off during the clip of Anoop’s performance, I’m sorry… What time is it? Ah, it’s not finished yet. Ryan is asking Berry Gordy and Smokey Robinson if they’re not too ashamed about having whored themselves on Idol.
Berry lies that he was very impressed, and Smokey confesses he’d hate to have to say which one of these twits will win the competition, and that they’re all awesome when they’re not singing.
Rebel fashion advice: Dear Lil, stay away from high-waisted pants, and stick to the flapper style, it’s way more flattering on you.
Wear more wigs.
Next week, come again dressed as someone who doesn’t look like you at all, it really worked for you tonight (at least visually if not vocally.)
Rebel lust: Dear Eldam, next week, please come dressed as this guy called Adam Lambert. Also, take off your clothes during your performance.
Rebel annoyance: Dear Danny, please fuck you. And try to suck next week. Thank you.
Tonight’s “pitchy” count: 1.