The times they are a-changin’…

8 Dec

I originally wanted to title this post: “The times they are a-changin’: the very drastic evolution of my celebrity crushes over the last 20-ish months” but it was a little long for Twitter, which has a very strict “No more than 140 characters” policy and which is where I intend to plug this post if I ever manage to finish it.

 

I’m really worried, you guys.

I have a celebrity crush.

But the scary part of it, is *whom* I have a celebrity crush on…

You better sit down for this…

I have a celebrity crush on Al Gore.

.

I shit you not. AL. FUCKING. GORE.

Man. The times they are a-really fucked up.

 

Clearly, this can only mean one thing: I have officially entered the geriatric age. What else could it be? Me, finding a 60-something years old dude in a suit sexy? Puhlease. Get ready for my next blog post: “Arthritis: why it sucks”.

.

Thinking about it, I should have seen this coming. The first signs snuck up last year, when all of a sudden, I started to think that Jon Stewart was the hottest thing on TV. The year before that, I thought David Cook was. I mean, from American Idol’s David Cook to the Daily Show’s Jon Stewart, that’s quite a stretch in 12 months.

 

You have to understand where I’m coming from: I’ve dated rockers most of my life. Most had long hair, some had tattoos, a couple rode a motorcycle, a few had done time and at least half played the guitar (guitarists are drawn to me, for some reason, whereas other instrumentalists, not so much.) But they all had two things in common: ripped jeans and headbanging. Better the enemy you know, right?

 

Of course, I did have that one celebrity crush on George Clooney, but that’s normal: everyone has a crush on George Clooney, men as much as women. Men want to be him and women want to be with him. Or on him. Or under. You get my gist. But he’s GEORGE CLOONEY, the epitome of über-cool! Personally, I think that if you don’t have a crush on George Clooney, you’re at the very least, weird, not to say borderline crazy.

 

But that’s enough about George. Back to my speedy progression from eternal youth to premature senility. Seriously, what the fuck happened here? Less than two years ago, I was on this here blog, lusting after David Cook; and now, I’m confessing that I have a thing for Al Gore? What. The. Bloody. Hell? Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

I don’t do suits. I’ve never done suits (funerals don’t count). What I do do, though, is intelligence and humour, but throughout my life, I’ve had the good fortune of crossing paths with a number of rockers who actually had a functioning brain, a funny bone (not meant in a dirty sense, you bunch of pervs) and a vocabulary extending beyond “Yeah!” so I really had zero reason to cross into suit territory. I could have just developed a crush for George Stromboulopoulos, and all would have been fine and dandy.

But no. I thought it’d be more fun to fuck with my own mind and crush on Jon Stewart instead.

 

Not that there’s anything wrong with Jon Stewart, mind you. AT ALL. Au contraire. Jon Stewart is AWESOME, and I love-love-love him, and I don’t mean that in the Christian sense either.

But he does wear suits. And he has grey hair. And he’s not in a band. Not even an air-band. Jon Stewart is a guy who jokes about shit I used to hate with a passion when I was younger (like politics) and he does it in a suit. Not exactly the David Cook type. Not exactly the kind of guy I was accustomed to label “sexpot”.

 

But as unnerving as I thought it was to find myself trying to imagine Jon Stewart naked during the Daily Show (remember, we’re talking about a short 40-something man with graying hair, who’s NOT in a rock band and who’s wearing a fucking SUIT, for Christ’s sake!), I managed to fool myself into believing that this dramatic shift in my taste in men was only a mere matter of “evolution”, “personal growth”, “new-found inner-depth”, “recently acquired ability to see the beauty beyond the suit” and other similar New-Agey bullshit.

In retrospect, evolution, my ass. New-Agey BS, my butt. I believe it’s called “maturity” and we all know that “maturity” is just a politically correct way to say “You’re fucking ANCIENT, but I’m trying to put a positive spin on it.”

“Maturity” means falling asleep fantasizing about Slash and waking up the following morning in the middle of a sex dream involving Stephen Harper. (Note: I’ve never had a sex dream about Stephen Harper, nor do I wanna have one. God, please, no.)

.

Anyway, what happened was, couple of weeks ago, I watched the newest episode of SNL (hosted by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who did a very good job, by the way) and Al gore happened to do a couple of cameos. I’ve always liked Al Gore; being a friend of the Earth myself, I respect the fact that he gave up politics to focus on what I really think rocks his boat: the environment, a cause that I myself believe in. And I also knew he was a funny guy. But other than agreeing with him politically and enjoying his appearances on my favourite talk-shows, I never gave a shit about Al Gore.

 

At least until a few days ago, when I stumbled upon an article about his cameo on SNL’s Weekend Update , which was freakin’ hilarious. To my surprise, I found the video on YouTube, and knowing how anal NBC is about having clips of its precious SNL floating around on teh internets, I thought I’d better download it before it got removed.

While rewatching it to make sure it the download was OK, my rapidly degenerating brain made a few seemingly innocuous observations, such as: “Haha! He is really funny! LOVE his deadpan delivery! And he’s not a bad-looking guy either!… A sense of humour is SO sexy! Brains + sense of humour = hot!”

Then it hit me like a brick: “OMG. I think I may have used the words “Al Gore” and “sexy” in the same sentence. No-no-no-no-no. Al Gore is old. And he wears a suit. Smart and funny or not, old men in suits: not sexy nor hot. When applied to 60 and over, brains + sense of humour = brains + sense of humour, no more, no less. And certainly, not “hot” or “sexy”.”

 

What then followed was basically sheer panic. Years and years spent coveting scruffy young rockers had abruptly come to an end. From now on, I’d be stuck shopping for boyfriends at the local nursing home. Oh, the horror.

I don’t go for older dudes. I date either younger or too young, although I may have occasionally checked out the odd guy in my age-range, but I must have been going through a rough patch when I did. In fact, twice in my life, I’ve dated dudes who were 10+ years older than me, and both times, I considered therapy. But I did learn one thing: wisdom comes with age? Is Bullshit. Capital ‘B’ intentional.

That’s why I usually date younger. No matter how old they are, most men are fucked up, elusive creatures, so might as well go for the ones that come with a flat stomach and firm buttocks. Or at least, that was my reasoning until I suddenly decided that suit-clad tree-huggers in their 60’s were all the shit.

.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it somehow bothers me that I may find a guy in his 60’s attractive. And it bothers me that it bothers me. I thought I was deeper than that.

At this point, the suit isn’t really an issue anymore; after a year of crushing on Jon Stewart, I eventually came to terms with the idea that a guy in a suit can be sexy (even an old fart in his 40’s), providing he’s funny and smart.

But believe me, the transition from ripped jeans to suit wasn’t the smoothest. However, after coming upon these pictures of Jon, it did dawn on me that suits are only, after all, clothes, which can be removed and replaced with way cooler attire, like for instance, ripped jeans. Or not be replaced at all. In which case hot sex would likely ensue. Or just plain sex.

Oh, my…

Have I just evoked the idea of… ahem… ss… *cough*sex*coughcoughcough* in a post which is (more or less) about Al Gore?

AAHHHHRRRRGGHHHHH!!!

Ahem. Excuse me. I… need a quick shower. And a stiff drink. BRB.

.

Helllloooo! I’m baaaaack! And druuuunk! Wooooo!

Nah, I’m kidding. I’m not drunk and I never really went anywhere. What I still am though, is deeply disturbed at all this bizarro novelty of suddenly finding myself leering at senior citizens.

Because this is what it’s really all about: the age thing. 60’s are the decade of reduced bus fares. Of half-price cinema tickets. Of retirement. All things that don’t exactly scream: “Sexay!”.

I can’t even kid myself with the fact the word “sex” is contained within the word “sexagenarian”. In my mind, “sexagenarian” is irremediably coupled with “Viagra”. Only Viagra by necessity, instead of for fun.

I find all this very depressing, you guys.

.

What happened to the good old times when I was shallow and judged guys solely based on their looks? No thinking involved? Man, I miss those times… Back then, I had standards! Just look at the stats:

Rights of passage, past and present:

Prior to 2008: Cute, long hair, flat stomach, tight buttocks (all optional if in a band), and of course, ripped jeans and headbanging; VIP access pre-requisites: being in a band; VIP Deluxe pre-requisites: all of the above + being in a band.

2008: Unsure. In between two boats (one of which will turn out to be a sinking one).

Still digging the rock’n’roll garb and band shit, but finding myself mysteriously distracted by short grey-ish-haired man in suit belonging the Bifocal Lenses Age. However, said man makes up for his shortcomings (no pun intended; well, not really) by being smart and funny. And also on TV. VIP Deluxe access would have been guaranteed 100% if only not on TV and not happily married with kids, etc. Oh well, his loss.

2009: Smart and funny.

And that, would seem to be all. Don’t matter if you have to wear Depends to get you through the day. VIP access granted if you make me laugh or think. If you do both, you get to drop a hit of Viagra, and if we’re not both fast asleep by the time it takes effect, we might go Deluxe. Lucky you.

And lucky me. The things I have to look forward to.

.

.

So, yep. From David Cook to Jon Stewart to Al Gore, in less than two years. Someone give me a bridge I can jump off of.

No, it’s not that bad, really. After all, Al Gore is a handsome, intelligent, funny, successful man whom I’ve met on TV. Just like Jon Stewart. He’s only a tad older. A big tad. Old enough that he could have fathered him.

*sigh*

WHERE IS THAT FUCKING BRIDGE I JUST ASKED FOR???

.

But seriously, don’t worry about me. I’ll get over it. Although this new “kink” of mine it does open some scary prospects.

Because now, what REALLY scares me, is that at this rate, a year from now, I could well find myself writing a blog post about my new celebrity crush on Hugh Hefner.

Or much, much, worse.

Like Donald Trump.

AAHHHHRRRRGGHHHHH!!!

Now, I really need a shower…

.

And all of a sudden, I find Al Gore that much and hotter and sexier, and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.

I might be decrepit and perverted, but I’m not blind and stupid.

.

.

“Well I guess this is growing up” ~ “Dammit”, Blink 182

..

Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to TwitterAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine

.

Advertisements

10 Responses to “The times they are a-changin’…”

  1. heidilore December 8, 2009 at 1:56 pm #

    I think an intervention is in order.

    Like

  2. Anonymous December 8, 2009 at 10:03 pm #

    You have gone nucking futz. Al Gore???? Are you totally whacked out? Besides Al is Gay and he doen’t do anything but republicans. I think George Bush and the Whole Republican Party screwed him a few years ago.

    Like

  3. salomey5 December 9, 2009 at 2:38 pm #

    @Heidi:
    Dear Heidi, if anyone here needs an intervention, it’s you, you weirdo! 😉
    Now that I think of it, we should have a double intervention. I believe we could turn it into one hell of a party!

    @Anonymous:
    You’re entitled to your opinion, and I, to mine.
    I would have thought that by now, everyone would have been familiar with the expression: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, but obviously not.
    Al might not be your average hot piece of ass mass-produced in Hollywood, but I find that to be quite attractive, personally. For me, the brains+sense of humour combo is the most powerful aphrodisiac I can think of.
    As for your ridiculous “Al is gay” statement, I won’t even bother getting into it.
    And why bring politics into this? My post wasn’t political whatsoever. I might be wrong, but you strike me as one of those rabids Repubs who start foaming at the mouth everytime they see the name of a liberal reflected in a positive fashion. Had I written a post on how good a cook Obama is, you would have likely had a similar knee-jerk reaction.

    However, with all of this said, I thank you for your comment. 🙂

    Like

  4. Samantha December 9, 2009 at 5:09 pm #

    Honey, there is nuthin’ wrong with you. Al Gore is a hottie, and so is Jon Stewart.

    They’re not conventionally handsome (well, Al was when he was younger), but what’s sexier than a smart guy with a wicked sense of humor (or, in Al’s case, a passion for the environment and great causes).

    I draw the line at Donald Trump though; that’s just gross.

    Like

  5. TJ Lubrano December 12, 2009 at 3:33 pm #

    Soo *takes notes* interesting *stares out of the window to create a dramatic effect* maybe it has something to do with wanting the unwanted. Wanting something you thought you would never wanted is exciting. Yes I like that. Let’s go with that phrase.

    Okay sorry! My shrink side is kinda lame today -_-”….anyway! I like the why you write! I really had too laugh and not because you have the hots for Al Gore, but because how you write it down!

    Like

  6. salomey5 December 12, 2009 at 5:16 pm #

    @Samantha:

    Samantha, you’re nucking futz and in dire need of an intervention. Just like me, apparently. :p
    I couldn’t agree more with you on the irresistible charm of the “smart + funny” combo.

    That said, I’m still a little taken aback by the extend and the speed at which my “standards” have changed when it comes to men.
    Given the kind of person I am, my taste in guys has always been quite conventional and predictible: rockers. Smart rockers, but rockers nonetheless, most of whom, younger than me.
    That’s quite a contrast with Al Gore. A HUGE contrast. Thus my extreme confusion.

    But I’m sure it will pass. And having (3) other women tell me they find him attractive too makes me feel… well, just a little less weird about it. 😉

    @TJ

    People, I’d like to introduce you to my new e-shrink, TJ. She’s a smart girl, that one. She knows perfectly that a neurotic like me can single-handedly make a therapist a fortune, so she kindly offered to take a look into my troubled mind.

    Kidding aside TJ, you make an interesting point with:
    “maybe it has something to do with wanting the unwanted. Wanting something you thought you would never wanted is exciting.”
    I never looked at it that way. In fact, I barely looked at it at all. I just went: “Aarrgh! I have a crush on a sexagenarian in a suit!” and got into a psychotic episode.
    But yeah, that’s something to ponder…

    And I’m very glad I made you laugh. I just LOVE to make people laugh, whether it’s at someone else’s expense or my own! 🙂

    Thank you very much to you two for your comments. 🙂

    Like

  7. Sam December 29, 2009 at 9:14 am #

    Hey Salomey, I believe Al Gore is now left toothless when it comes to pushing his Climate Change agenda. It’s largely due to the Climate Gate incident that happened one month ago. But in spite of this, it is still important to start researching into alternate energy sources.

    Like

    • salomey5 December 30, 2009 at 3:26 am #

      You Sam from BC? If yes, I hope you’re doing well dude! 🙂
      If no, hope you’re doing well anyway!

      Yeah, well, poor Al is getting through a rough patch, but that’s just a momentary setback. Just give him a chance, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he releases yet another rockin’ Powerpoint presentation. 😉

      Kidding aside, we really need to get our shit together and majorly develop green technologies.

      Thanks for dropping by! 🙂

      Like

      • Sam December 31, 2009 at 8:55 am #

        Yeah it’s Sam from BC.

        Al Gore hasn’t said anything about the Climategate incident, but if he does, he might be able to restore some legitimacy to his personal convictions and his agenda, if he responds with the right words.

        Some critics against Climate Change might do anything outside normal ethical boundaries to even sabotage the whole mission. Even more so when people who are for the Climate Change agenda are questionable in their professional conduct. C’est La Vie.

        Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. New year, new decade: new post. Coming soon (hopefully): new me « Rebel Without A Clue - January 3, 2010

    […] Disclaimer The times they are a-changin’… […]

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: