The following post was started on Palindrome Day, but unfortunately, was only finished the following day, thus making part of the ‘information” stated below erroneous. However, I have fixed the problem by cheating on the publishing date, making myself seem a bit less full of shit in the process.
Palindrome: a word, line, verse, number, sentence, etc., that reads the same backward as forward.
Happy Palindrome day, motherfuckers!
Today’s date is: 01-02-2010. It’s a palindrome! I’m beside myself with excitement!
Actually, it’s only a palindrome in North-America, where inexplicably, they arrange dates by month, followed by day and then year. Which is totally nonsensical, in my opinion. Wouldn’t it make more sense to go day-month-year? Anyway. Not the object of this post. Sorry for going off-topic on your asses so quickly.
Actually, what is the object of this post? I don’t know. It has no point. Just like most of the stuff I write.
No, wait. It totally has a point. I’d just forgotten what. I wanted to talk about my new year’s resolutions.
Oh, yeah. I’d almost forgotten about that too. Got distracted by that whole Palindrome Day palaver, obviously. But I do want to say:
HAPPY NEW YEAR, BITCHES!!! I wish you all the very best, and I mean it too! No, seriously, you all rock. Especially the ones of you who read my crap and leave me comments and stuff.
So we’ve just started both a new year and a new decade with a palidrome. Does that scream “SYMBOLISM!!!” to you or what? No, just me? Oh well.
Anyway, in the honour of all this spooky shit (and also because I was WAY overdue for some major changes in my life) I’ve decided that 2010 would be the year when I’d finally give this resolutions business a fair shot.
I’ve never been one to make new year resolutions, mostly because I have the will power of a toddler let loose at Toys “R” Us. Why bother setting unattainable goals for myself, such as quitting smoking or similar ridiculous stuff, when I know beforehand that I’m inexorably doomed for failure?
Well, I’ll tell you why: because if you don’t set any goals for yourself and you happen to be me, you do nuthin’. Zip, nada, naught and zilch. And I’ve done that for juuuuust a little too long. Time to get in motion.
The last post I actually managed to publish (a decade ago, now) was foreshadowingly called: “The times they are a-changin’…” Oh, what’s that you ask? Where you can read that post? Oh, here, thanks for asking.
Kidding aside, when I wrote that post about a month ago, I was only musing on how dramatically my tastes in men had changed in the last couple of years or so. (Current crush: Al Gore. Don’t make fun, please; you have no idea how many jokes I’ve been the butt of since I uttered that in public. Don’t try this at home, kids. Especially if you have an internet connection.)
But enough about Al and back to me-me-me and my new year resolutions: change. Change even I can’t believe in, but what the hell. 2010 is the year when I’m defying logic and sanity and will make some changes.
What do I want to change? Well, in a nutshell: everything. I shit you not. I want a new haircut, a
new job, a new diet, a new computer, new glasses, new neighbours (God, do I want new neighbours…), new boots and new habits. I want a new life.
And I want a new me. The old me is really starting to grate on my nerves. She does sweet fuck all all the time and is always whining about how her life sucks. And I can’t get away from her for reasons of, well, life or death. So I’ll have to litterally shed her, as a snake or any other similarly repulsive reptile would shed it’s disgusting old skin for a an equally disgusting new skin.
And that, is why I made resolutions this year. Because I need to do a complete 180 (OK, maybe a 160). And I sure have my work cut out for me. I need to get rid of all my bad habits and them replace with brand new good habits.
Easy you say? HA. You have obviously NO idea how many bad habits I’ve been lugging around these last few years. If habits were weights, I could take down Hulk Hogan just like that.
Over the years, I’ve been accumulating bad habits like Tiger Woods has mistresses. My apartment is a warzone, I have the eating customs of a teenager whose parents have left in charge of the house for a week, I smoke like a fucking chemney, party like it’s 1999 several times a week, go to bed at absolutely ridiculous times and spend every second I don’t have to be somewhere else in front of my computer screen. And I’ve been doing all these things for years. I could single-handedly make the fortune of both a therapist and a life coach. Unfortunately, I can afford neither.
So it’s time to change all this. And what better way to do it than to set highly unrealistic expectations for myself? At this point, it’s not like I have anything to lose anyway. Even if I can only manage to make a couple of improvements, at least, it’ll be something.
Wow. When I set up to write this post, I thought it was gonna be funny shit. And look how that turned out: not that funny at all. See, changes, already! It’s workiiiiiiing you guuuuuys!
OK, I’ll try to “end” this on a lighter note. I’m not comfortable with writing brutally honest, bullshit-free introspective confessions. It’s not my schtik. So I’ll give you my list of new year resolutions and we can all have a laugh and giggle about how asinine it is, after which I’ll have a bite to eat and go to bed, because eating and going to bed are part of my resolutions.
REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE’S 2010 OFFICIAL NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS LIST:
1) Sleep with Al Gore.
Shit. That’s not what I meant to type at all. It just came out. Sorry about that. I’ll start again.
1) Eat two to three times a day and try to shove occasional healthy item down throat.
2) Go to bed before 3am on a regular basis (baby steps on that one).
3) Clean apartment.
4) More than once a year.
5) Get rid of half the content of apartment (Seriously. The amount of junk I hold on to is ludicrous.)
6) Answer mail, pay bills, etc, before threatening-looking men in suits show up at door.
7) Move. As in, do exercise. Any exercise. (Sex doesn’t count, especially when in an altered state due to over-consumption of alcoholic beverages.)
8 ) No more drunk sex (which pretty much means: no more sex. Oh well. No one said this resolutions crap was gonna be easy.)
9) Have sex (sober) with Al Gore. (Give me a break. He’s been demoted to resolution #9 now. I’ve learnt to prioritize in the last 10 minutes. I’m already well on my way to nail those resolutions.)
10) Get job I like, which allows me to explore my potential and talents and which I find fulfilling and meaningful. (Aka: mission impossible. There had to be one unsurmountable mountain in there.)
11) Write less at once, but more often, because writing is something which I enjoy doing and I believe I’m good at.
12) Look for possibilities of merging resolutions #10 and #11 while making money in process.
13) Be a little less social on the internet and a lot more social in real life (thus keeping alive my odds of ever having sex again.)
14) Buy shoes (not as easy as it sounds when trying to ally comfort with style.)
15) Buy glasses like Sarah Palin’s in order to weasel my way into federal politics and be taken much more seriously than I should.
16) Read a book.
17) Return last two unread books to library.
18) Get radiator fixed.
19a) Go to rental board. 19b) Wait 18 to 24 months. 19c) Get big fat rent deduction for putting up with unsufferable neighbours for almost a year.
drinking less would be a good idea. Quit
Quit smoking Start working on plans for world domination, beginning with solving global warming crisis. (That should score me some major points with Al Gore and will likely help in realization of resolution #9.)
Well, I reckon I got it all down pretty good. List might require a little tweaking here and there, and I may have to discard one or two of my goofier goals, such as finding shoes that are both stylish and comfortable or being able to afford glasses like Sarah Palin’s, but overall, I think I can do this.
I may have to hire the odd hitman in order to take care of problems such as my neighbours and Tipper Gore in a more expeditive fashion, since my deadline is Dec 31st 2010, but I believe that with an early start, I can get most of this shit accomplished in due time.
And what better way to get an early start than to have an early night? It’s only 2am after all. I could actually begin my journey toward change-even-I-can’t-believe-in tomorr… erm, later on today. Yeah. Let’s do that.
Let’s all do it together, in fact. Happy New Year! 🙂
PS: If you know someone who’s hiring writers, tell them to follow me on Twitter so that they get to see how versatile I am, in that I can do short and sweet equally as well as long-winded and tedious. Thanks.
PPSS: If you know of a good hitman in the Montreal region, please leave their name and phone number in the comments section below. Again, thanks.