Celebrity Survivor Apprentice: Oh, the pain…

8 Apr

Ah… People… Tis has been a rough week for yours truly… As if the huge blow I suffered last Thursday wasn’t enough, I had to be put through yet another painful loss on Sunday… Sigh… Sometimes, life is just not fair…

In the same week, I lost both Boston Rob and Blago. I’m so upset.

What do you mean, "Who the fuck is Boston Rob?" Shouldn’t you be asking: "Who the fuck is Blago?" instead?

Boston Rob, clueless reader, is reality TV royalty. He’s been on Survivor, then on Survivor, then on the Amazing Race, then on Fear Factor, then on the Amazing Race again (I think), and I’m sure on a lot of other shows I wouldn’t know about because I don’t have cable.

And now, guess what? He’s on Survivor.

Or rather, was.

Boston Rob got the boot last week, and I haven’t eaten nor slept since.

Kidding. I ate.

But I was upset, and more than I thought I would (or should) be. With Rob gone, so is much of my interest in the show. Doesn’t help that quite a few of my favourites had already gone home (Cirie, Tom, Randy). So I guess at this point, I’m stuck with Sandra, Parv and maybe Jerri to root for. I’m still pissed at Jerri for voting for Rob, but I’m even more pissed at Coach; and really, the person I’m the most pissed at is that moronic moron "what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking-going-along-with-Russell-you-idiot" Tyson. God am I angry with that guy…

Erm… Where was I again? Oh yeah, Jerri… She’ll be good again in my books in a couple of weeks, once I get over the devastating loss of Boston Rob. This guy was MADE for reality TV. He’s an A-Lister in the world of fake reality. Dude’s just great. He’s funny, charming, charismatic, pretty damn hot, and he has kicked some serious ass on Survivor (as well as other shows.) And when you kick that much ass on Survivor, it means that you’re damn smart, my friend.

Anyway, I don’t wanna spend this whole post brown-nosing Boston Rob, but yeah, I’m a big fan of his. And I’m also a big fan of Survivor, and I was really looking forward to this season because it was Heroes vs Villains and I couldn’t wait to see my hot dude go head-to-head in a battle of wits with that fugly little troll Russell and OMG I’m total fan girl mode here.

But it’s true, I was looking forward to a season gathering some of the best and most infamous contestants out of the previous 19 seasons. Yes, 19. I’ll even spell it out for ya: nineteen. There’s a reason why Survivor’s been around for so long, mate; because it ROCKS.

Although it’s gonna rock a hell of a lot less from now on, with my hot Bostonian gone back to… well, Boston, I guess. But hey, what can you do, such is the nature of Survivor. Plus I will admit that there are a couple of things that Rob could have done to try to save his ass, but I don’t wanna get into that because I’d like to go to bed someday. I haven’t slept in a week, remember?

So there. One of my favourite contestants ever hath departed from the ultimate season, leaving behind him the so-called ultimate villain. We’ll find out if he really is. I’m hoping Parvati will get her flirt on and pull a Micronesia on his ass. Man, that season was awesome.

And in case you wonder why I haven’t mention "him" by name, and by him, I mean that twisted little troll, well, I won’t. Not until I have the insurance that this season won’t turn into Samoa 2.0 in the editing department. Those who watched Samoa 1.0 will know what I’m talking about. The others won’t, but I’m afraid they may do soon enough.

So you heard -or read, rather- me, Mark Burnett? I’ll not write about "him" until you start showing footage of the other contestants too, k? Cos’ until two weeks ago, I had no idea there was someone called Danielle on the show, let alone on the Villains’ tribe.

So good-bye Boston Rob, I’ll miss you, but I’m sure I’ll see you soon on a reality show near us (but make sure it’s on network TV cos’ I don’t have cable.) Ciao!

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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*sniffles*

I… I’m sorry… All this talk about Boston Rob made me all emotional, you guys… Anyone got a tissue?… Oh, wait, I have one, hold on a sec… Oops, gotta go wash my hands, BRB…

K, I’m back. Where were we? Ah yeah, part 2 of what has been a terrible week in reality TV. After Survivor’s harrowing loss of Boston Rob, it was Celebrity Apprentice’s turn to witness its worst casualty thus far, in the person of Chicago Rod, whom we shall call Blago from now on, as to avoid confusion.

Since some of you had to ask who the fuck Boston Rob was, I take it you have no clue who Rod Blagojevich is, am I right?

No problem. I didn’t know either until he fucked up by sleeping with 20+ women behind… Oh, wait, that’s Tiger Woods, I’m sorry, I don’t know how I got mixed up.

Anyway, for more on Chicago Rod, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Blagojevich. If you don’t feel like reading all that, I’ll just tell you that Rod is a corrupted politician, which in itself is a pleonasm. He used to be the governor of Illinois, but lost his job for trying to sell senates seats on eBay, or something like that. Could have been Craigslist. Personally, I think he would have been better advised to sleep with lots of women, like Tiger did. That way, he would have had a much better chance of keeping his job, plus, as an added bonus, he would have gotten laid.

Anyway, I’m not here to educate you on corrupted politicians, I’m here to educate you on quality reality shows, something at which I’m an expert.

And as an expert, I can tell you that Celebrity Apprentice lost a big part of what makes it half-watchable: lulz. Lulz, which Chicago Rod brought in droves. He should totally team up with Boston Rob and go on the Amazing Race. Rob knows the way.

Damn… That’s… Hmmm…

*Dear Mark Burnett,

I need to talk to you. I just thought of something you may be interested in. Please leave your phone number and/or email address in the comments box below. You can also follow me on Twitter. I follow back.

In the meantime, I’ve four words for ya: Boston Rob + Chicago Rod. Catchy, huh? Looking forward to hear from you.

P.S.: I only add people I know personally on Facebook, so don’t send me a friend request, please.*

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So yeah. In spite of his desperate efforts, New York Don found himself pretty much forced to fire the oh-so-useless but oh-so-very-entertaining-and-hilarious ex-Governor.

Not that Blago didn’t deserve it, mind you. He absolutely did. From his baffling technological retardation to his inability to come up with a single idea, from his talking in endless circles without ever saying diddlysquat to his shameless pushing of an agenda that has nothing to do with the show, I’d be ready to bet my bottom dollar that Blago has the letters: L, O, S, E and R stamped all over his cranium. Which would explain the ridiculous mop that he wears on top.

Methinks Chicago Rod and New York Don should take a clue from Boston Rob in the hairstyling department.

Man, wouldn’t these three make a fantastic team for a reality show that has yet to be invented? *cough*Mark Burnett*cough*

Back to Blago, it’s very clear that the only charity he went on Celebrity Apprentice for, was the Rod "Please-don’t-put-me-in-prison-look-at-me-I’m-a-nice-guy-it’s-not-my-fault-if-I’m-a-bit-dumb" Blagojevich cause. And I think it’s safe to say that he fooled no one.

Yet, the Governor turned out to be strangely and infuriatingly likeable. From the constant befuddled look on his face to the fact that he seems to suck at absolutely everything, he offered us many priceless TV moments in his short stint on Trump’s stupid show. Moments that I shall cherish for a long time.

Goodbye Chicago Rod. You too will be missed, albeit for different reasons than Boston Rob (who, by the way, may wanna think about applying for the job of Governor of Massachusetts, now that he’s seen what it takes to be a Governor – nothing.)

I have to say though, bizarrely enough, at this point, I actually have more interest in Celebrity Apprentice than I do for Survivor, even though I like Survivor a gazillion time better. With so many of my faves gone, including my #1 guy, I’m afraid Survivor might become dull, or worse, a repeat of last season.

So for the first time since the beginning of the season, I’m gonna go into tonight’s episode not really caring all that much. Which may be a good thing. Some of my favourite Survivor moments have often featured people I (thought I) didn’t give a shit about.

Case in point: season 7: after Rupert got the boot from Pearl Islands, I remember saying I wouldn’t bother watching the show anymore since it would surely suck without him. But the following week I tuned in anyway, and boy was it worth it. Had I decided to go out having a life instead, I would have missed Johnny Fairplay’s infamous "dead grandmother" moment. And that would have been a shame because it was fanfuckingtastic television.

Again, although I didn’t care much for the cast of Micronesia (Fans vs Favourites), it turned out to be one of my favourite seasons ever. So I’m hoping that something similar’s gonna occur on the current season, since more or less all the people who are left on it get on my nerves, save for two or three.

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As for Celebrity Apprentice, I’m still excited about it, in spite of its recent heavy loss in terms of both comedy gold and ratings (which I’m sure Blago helped drawing. C’mon: a disgraced Governor further disgracing himself by going on Trump’s shitty show? That’s a producer’s wet dream!). But even without Blago’s innate flair for providing lulz, the show still features plenty of bitchiness (Holly-what’s-her-face-the-Glacier), weirdness (Cyndi Lauper), swearing (Sharon Osbourne) and unexpected (Brett Michaels doing exactly the opposite of sucking). That circus should be fun for at least a few more weeks.

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Wow. Look at the time. Might be a good idea to click "publish" on this thing before the new episode of Survivor comes on (in about 90 minutes). Not that I care about the show anymore, mind you… But still, I might take a look. I’d hate to miss seeing a certain troll getting kicked in the nuts by a bunch of dumb girls. Could always happen, you never know. (Ahem… Parvati? You readin’ this?)

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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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On a completely unrelated note, I’d like to take a second and send a thought to the memory of Malcolm McLaren, who left us today at the age of 64. McLaren was the infamous manager of one the most short-lived, yet hugely influential acts in the history of rock’n’roll: the Sex Pistols.

I want to thank him for shaking things up and giving a music industry become bloated and self-indulgent the swift kick in the ass it so badly needed.

You will be missed, Malcolm. You may have been a shit, but you will be missed. Rest in peace, buddy, and be assured that punk’s not dead, and that it has a future, in spite of what you said. Thanks for giving it to us.

RIP.

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5 Responses to “Celebrity Survivor Apprentice: Oh, the pain…”

  1. Samantha April 8, 2010 at 7:25 pm #

    Great post, Rachel 🙂 I haven’t been watching Celebrity Apprentice this season (although I watched previous ones), but I agree with you about Survivor: I’m also sad that Bawston Rawb was voted out last week. *sniff* (-_-)

    My jaw dropped last week when that happened, honestly. I wasn’t his biggest fan at the beginning, but he was definitely the lesser of several evils (Russell, Jerri, Coach). Now I really don’t have anyone to root for, so let the chips fall where they may, I guess. I’ll keep watching though and you better too!!

    Also: RIP Malcolm McLaren \m/*.*\m/

    Like

  2. swan_pr April 9, 2010 at 12:02 pm #

    “…I follow back” héhé, nice touch! Thanks for the great post. Now I regret not watching yesterday.

    Like

  3. TJ Lubrano April 11, 2010 at 2:10 pm #

    I would be a clueless reader indeed. BUT I can use the ‘I live across the pond’ card. Or should I say ocean. Either way, I do know what you mean when you watch your shows and suddenly your fave people are gone! Why why *drops dramatically to the floor* WHYYYY….

    *ahem*

    I don’t know why they do this.

    Either way, I still stand by the fact that I love your writing! Post more! Then again, I know you have a very busy schedule chasing a jumping cat around the house and working a lot. So doctor’s advice (a.k.a. me) is to take enough rest!!

    Hehe *waves*

    Like

  4. salomey5 April 12, 2010 at 11:22 pm #

    Thank you very much for the comments, ladies! 🙂

    Samantha, I strongly recommend this season of Celebrity Apprentice, the likes of Sharon Osbourne, Cyndi Lauper and Bret Michaels- and of course, my beloved Blago 😦 make it quite priceless, and that, in spite of the pompous egomaniac that Trump is.

    As for Survivor, I still wish Rob was in it, but I felt vindicated at the end of last episode (mwahaha!). I won’t say no more as to have something to write about in my Survivor post (as if I’d ever run out of stuff to write!)

    Swan_pr, stick with Survivor, if I go by the last episode, I think Russell might not be as mighty as he thinks…

    TJ, I hope you didn’t hurt yourself when dropping to the floor.
    And as you can see, I obeyed your request of posting more and created post of epic proportions about a show that you don’t actually watch (however, I can promise you that my recaps are way more fun than Trump’s show!)

    If any of you needs a link to watch Celebrity Apprentice online, just ask me on Twitter. I’d rather not post it here, since the episodes of the Apprentice seem to get taken down streaming sites quicker than you can say: “You’re fired!”
    Not likely that anyone would notice said link here, mind you, but you never know.

    Thanks again for stopping by, and talk to you on Twitter! 🙂

    Like

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