Howdy to you, Survivor fans, gather around, I have good news!
As we remember all too well, we lost Survivor darling Boston Rob at the end of last episode. Since my previous post about (among other things) that tragedy, I’ve gotten myself a prescription for Prozac and am doing much better, thank you very much.
The show has barely started that already, I want to throw something at the TV.
Note: I will not mention Mr. Hantz by name in any of my posts until: a) he gets voted out; b) the show’s editors stop submitting us to the following every. Single. Fucking. Week:
Because we didn’t get near enough of that self-congratulatory rhetoric from "him" during the last 20-ish episodes, let’s start this one with the now famous: "I am the best player this game has ever seen and I have all these stupid people wrapped around my smelly little toe and I call all the shots and mwahahaha" speech. I seriously cannot take it anymore.
What’s that? Oh, I see, they’ve decided to cram all the I-want-to-throw-something-at-the-TV moments at the beginning of the show… Interesting artistic direction, I suppose, if you can call this art…
Coach is whining. "Aww, I didn’t want Boston Rob to go, he was my friend. He’s gone because of that big meanie "R" who’s bullying everyone into doing what he wants, and because they’re all cowards and pussies, they listen to him. Bad, bad people."
Rebel Without A Clue: "Well, Coach, if you don’t mind, there’s a little something I’d like to talk to you about…"
Coach: Who the hell are you?
RWAC: I am the head blogger of this blog. As well as the only blogger. My name is Rebel Without A Clue, but you can call me Rebel. Or salomey5. Or RWAC. Or Rachel. It’s up to you.
Coach: Holy shit, and I thought I had a lot of nicknames! Well, you can call me Dragon Slayer.
RWAC: Nah, too long to type. It’s either Coach or Ben, you choose.
Coach: Just Dragon then?
RWAC. Nope. That’d be confusing. And don’t say "Slayer" because that name already belongs to a metal band and they’ll sue your ass if you use it. So, what it will be?
Coach: Coach, I guess…
RWAC. Perfect. Well, Coach, you are a fucking moron.
RWAC: You have the nerve to whine about Boston Rob being gone, after you went and voted for Courtney? What the fuck were you thinking?
Coach: Well, I…
RWAC: You do realize that had you voted for "him", you could have forced a tie, right? And maybe, just maybe, Boston Rob would not have gone home? You know that, right?
RWAC: Shut up, you idiot! I don’t want to hear your bullshit excuses about loyalty and integrity and not wanting to lie and disappoint. You’re on SURVIVOR for Christ’s sake! Go on the Wheel of fucking Fortune if you’re that concerned about keeping your virtues intact. Jesus…
Coach: I… I am sorry ma’am.
RWAC: I gave you a vast array of names to choose from, and you call me "Ma’am"? Seriously dude, you are… I have no words. Not for the likes of you. You drive me nuts, good-bye.
I have an announcement to make: Tonight, I have a free offer on "Virtual Slaps for Survivors". Who wants in?
Jerri gets in line right behind Coach: "I want a slap too. I think voting out Rob may have been a mistake. I miss him already.
Coach: Why were you so quick to get rid of him then?
Jerri: What are you talking about? I never… Sigh… I did, didn’t I…?
Coach: I think you screwed up big time by aligning with "him". And now, we’re stuck with "his" alliance, an alliance based on lies, Jerri, LIES. So? What do you wanna do? Stick with them or run away while we still can?
Jerri: I say we wait and see what happens at the merge.
I don’t think that when she pronounced the word "merge", Jerri was aware she had just opened a Pandora’s box full of delusional; a box which appears to have the power of making seasoned Survivors see merges on day 19. But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. Plus for all I know, there may been have merges on day 19 before. I do love the show, but not to the point of doing actual research on it. I leave that part to the real fans (aka: the trolls on IMDb’s Survivor message board who’ll give you shit for not knowing who got the boot in 5th place on season 11.)
And, by letting the word "merge" out of her mouth, Jerri planted a seed which turned into a full-grown plant in a matter of minutes. OK, hours. I forgot we were watching an edited version of the events. Regardless, that plant grew damn quick. Must have been bamboo.
On the Heroes side, JT, the nice Southern boy who won season 18 is seen conspicuously going for a walk by himself. On Survivor, you don’t go do anything by yourself unless it’s in plain sight of everybody else.
So of course, JT does exactly that. He explains: "We all decided we’d look for the HII (Hidden Immunity Idol) as a group. Then I decided to beat the group to it. Hehehe!"
Back at camp, Amanda is bored with no potential boyfriend to make dewy eyes to, so she decides to go look for the cutest boy in the Heroes tribe, JT.
Whom she finds two seconds later with his hand in his pants. Literally.
Amanda: What are you doing?
JT: Who? Me? Nothing.
Amanda: Were you looking for the Idol?
JT: Me? Noooo… No, not at all. I was masturbating. Look! Hand in mah pants! Hahaha!
Amanda: That bulge wasn’t there before. Trust me, I notice these things. I dated Ozzy after all.
JT: Ok, ok… Busted! Hahaha!
Amanda: Cut the crap. What’s in the pants?
JT: I found it! But shhh… Let’s get out of here before anyone…
Candice appears from out of nowhere: "Hi guys! What ya up to?"
JT promptly hides the hand holding the idol behind his back: "Hmm, nothing… Nothing at all… "
Candice: What are you hiding behind your back?
JT: Me? Ha! Nothing, I.. I just woke up like this this morning. Slept in a funny position, probably…
Amanda rolls her eyes and grabs the idol from JT’s hand: "He’s found the idol"
Candice: Whaa? That’s great, let’s go tell everyone!
And just like that, poor JT is forced to return to camp and pretend he’s all happy to have an idol to share with everyone.
Someone will have to explain to me what the fuck is up with this: "Let’s not look for the idol, guys" mentality. Hell, if it were me, I’d be looking for that thing as if my life depended on it. On that specific element, I must admit that I agree with "him". Anything that can help save your ass, even once, is good to have in one’s possession on Survivor. As long as you play it, of course… *cough*James, Ozzy, Erik*cough*
JT should maybe think about taking a couple of acting classes, should he get invited back on Survivor. His little "Look guys, I have the idol, I’m so happy for us" act didn’t fool Candice one bit.
She asks Amanda: Do you think you walked in on him?
Amanda doesn’t answer, but the smile she gives Candice does all the talking.
Candice interviews that JT is a floater who has alliance with just about everybody, and that he’s basically a fucking snake everyone should keep an eye on instead of sucking up to. In which she is 100% right. Candice adds that it would be in Amanda’s best interest to work with her so that they can at least flush the idol, if not the guy who has it.
The poor Villains are in bad shape. The girls are complaining about the lack of food and everyone is shutting down apart from Coach, always the trooper: "This was only a small setback. I mean, who needs food! We don’t need to eat! Come on, let’s get up and do yoga and then meditate some! Who’s with me?"
No one, it seems. Doesn’t look like yoga and motivational speeches are what this tribe needs. What this tribe needs, is treemail that doesn’t in any way, shape or form say: "We’re merging." Yet, the so-called "Villains" are so lost without Boston Rob telling them what to do that they’ve completely given up on strategy and are now relying solely on the prospect of a premature merge to figure out what to do with their miserable selves.
RWAC: Villains: I am severely disappointed in you. I was rooting for you big time at the start. And now, look at you… You’re playing like retards, voting out the wrong people and you’re on a losing streak after dominating for weeks (well, days, in real time). Shame on you, villains, shame on you.
Sandra: What the hell was that?
Coach: Oh, that’s RWAC, aka a whole lot of other people. She’s a blogger. Don’t mind her, she’s a bit of bitch, but she’s harmless. Just let her scream at you and don’t talk back. She’ll go away after a bit. Oh, and don’t call her "Ma’am".
Sandra: RWAC… Don’t call her Ma’am… Got it.
Coach: You can call her Rebel, if you prefer. She has a boatload of other names, but I don’t remember them.
Back to treemail, as Parvati reads the (maybe a teeny tiny wee bit misleading, I admit) message, the Villains’ faces light up like toddlers’ on Christmas morning.
"Him": It sounds like it will be an individual challenge…
Danielle: And there’s food…
Parvati: And it did mention "good clean fun"…
Then everyone: "THE MERGE!!!! YEAY!!!!"
After they’re done jumping all over one another like horny possums, they decide that their next course of action has to be to entirely dismantle their camp and take everything they can with them, since they’re like, totally merging and might not get to come back.
The reward challenge is bowling. The reward itself is pizza and drinks that are not-water. Treemail wasn’t lying: it is clean fun and there is food.
The Heroes, looking in top shape, come and sit down.
Two hours later, the first Villain, Coach, finally appears, dragging half of the camp’s items
Ten minutes later, also carrying twice their weight in tarps and machetes and jugs and the like, Parvati, Danielle and "him" appear, followed shortly by Jerri.
Jeff asks: "Where are Sandra and Courtney?"
Villains: Oh, shit, yeah, where are they? How long have they been missing?
Whispers are heard in the bushes nearby: "It’s bowling. We can do this. We should come out, you never know, they may ask us if we wanna play, and if we do, bang! we don’t have to participate in the IC (Immunity Challenge) and that way, we don’t get blamed if we lose. Let’s go!"
Sandra and Courtney appear, all "Sooooorry… We got lost, but then, we found a machete half buried on the side of a path and we just knew we were on the right track."
Jeff: Alright. Heroes, guess who got voted out last night?
The Heroes all go: "Ooooh!" and "Wow!" and "Fuck!" and "Shit!" apart from Colby who murmurs: "They brought their entire camp… Are we merging?"
I often find myself wondering WTF it was that I found so fantastic about Rupert on Pearl Islands. These days, it seems like he can’t open his mouth without something stupid falling out. Upon looking over at the remaining Villains and seeing a large Bostonian missing, with a knowing smile he opens the second Pandora’s box that was hidden in the game: "Sure looks like they have a women’s alliance…!"
Aaaaaaand there ya go. Now everyone within earshot is convinced that there’s a women’s alliance on the Villain’s tribe, including the women of the Villains’ tribe themselves (see: Tribal Council).
Meanwhile, I have a question: did I miss something, or do "him" and JT have a "thing"? And I don’t mean anything sexual by that, but I saw them mouth and sign shit at each other as the tribes were sitting on their benches pre-challenge. What the fuck was that about? Is there something I don’t know? Am I seeing things? Is it the magic of editing that makes me see things?… Ah, all these questions, and no answers… A bit like the series Lost…
Speaking of lost, Colby totally is: "What the hell was it in that goddamn treemail that made mention of a merge and that I didn’t see?… Colby, old man, you’re losing it. You’re not cut for this shit anymore. After this adventure, you’re good to forever retire in Texas and wait for death… Tsk…"
Jeff gives a nice subtle little speech implying that there may, after all, be a merge. The Survivor are all sitting up straight like well-behaved children, listening to all that teasing and waiting excitedly to hear the word: "merge" followed by the words: "enjoy your pizza and not-water".
Not gonna happen. Jeff says: "Drop… your…"
Courtney squeaks. Jerri lets out a little "Yeay!" and Coach pulls off his buff and throws it at Jeff’s feet.
Everyone looks at Jeff. Then at Coach’s buff. Then at Coach.
Coach, his face as red as my red pajamas, gets up, scuttles toward Jeff, picks up his buff and quickly puts it back on his head while returning to his seat. Everyone is looking super-disappointed, although the Heroes nowhere near as much as the Villains.
I’ll spare you the minutiae details of the actual challenge, as I’m not good at describing the things that actually do happen in the shows I recap. Not in just a few words anyway, so I’ll abstain altogether.
Basically, a person from each tribe bowl against one another; whoever knocks down the most pins in two attempts gets a point for their tribe; first tribe to get 3 points wins and the pizza and not-water are all theirs. Villains have to sit out two people:
Coach: Sandra, do you wanna bowl?
Sandra: I don’t care.
Coach: Courtney, do you wanna bowl?
Courtney: Whatever the group wants.
Parvati: Remember we’ll have to sit 2 people for the IC later today and we…
Coach: I want pizza. We’ll sit out Sandra and Courtney.
Team 1: Rupert vs Parvati: Rupert wins.
Team 2: JT vs Danielle: JT wins.
Team 3: Colby vs "him". "He" wins. Fair and square, I can’t argue, although I wish I could.
Team 4: Coach vs Amanda:
Amanda wins, Heroes get pizza, Villains get to go rebuild their camp and I get a commercial break.
No, I don’t, actually. We get to stick around for the Heroes’ feast. Between two bites of pizza the size of France, Rupert continues to mislead his team with his talk of a female alliance on the other side. I’m guessing the not-water must be beer after all, because they’re all eating Rupert’s deduction as if it was pizza, without questioning it in the least.
The Villains are back at their camp, and boy is Jerri pissed. She interviews: "Who came up with the stupid idea of taking with us everything from the camp that didn’t have roots? And why did we vote out Rob? And who decided that Courtney and Sandra should sit the reward challenge out? I hate this game!"
RWAC: Jerri, Jerri, Jerri. I used to like you a lot. Even on first series, when I was pretty much your only supporter. But in the last 2 episodes, you have irritated the heck out of me, so you better get your shit together and start playing like the intelligent woman I think you are, or I’m signing the "I’m now officially rooting for Sandra" form. Got it? I give you ONE last chance to not make me turn against you. Use it wisely. On that, Rebel, out.
Jerri: What the… Oh, yeah, must have been that blogger… Coach was right, she is a bitch.
RWAC: I’m saying this for your own good, Jerri. Go play, now. And play well.
Jerri shrugs and heads back to camp, where she proceeds to give everyone shit for voting out Rob, dismantling the camp and picking Sandra and Courtney to sit out the challenge. Sandra’s all: "Whoa, wait a minute, Curly. So now, it’s Courtney and I’s fault that we lost?"
Jerri: No, it’s Coach’s fault. He’s the one who wanted pizza.
Sandra: So why do you say it’s Courtney and I’s fault?
Danielle: No one said that.
Sandra: I dunno. I’m so used to hear: "Sandra and Courtney" and "reasons we lost" in the same sentence than I don’t know anymore.
Sandra then hilariously interviews: "I shouldn’t be here! I should be on the Heroes’ tribe!" and adds that other than Courtney, she equally hates all the members of her tribe. Love-love-love her!
Love-love-love her even more now: she takes Courtney aside and suggests they could try to get even with Coach by going to "him" and tell "him" that Coach is gunning for "him". That’ll surely make "him" paranoid and send "him" gunning for Coach. Sandra promises she’ll go work her magic on "him" as we head to commercial.and I can finally go pee.
When we come back, Coach is looking for a sympathetic ear. He finds Courtney sitting on the beach: "I didn’t want to play this game without Tyson and Boston Rob. I hate these people."
Courtney: Whatever. I know I’m the next to go, so what do I care. Move over, you’re blocking the sun and ruining my sun tan… Anyway, it’s you guys’ fault, you’re the ones who let "him" run the show out of fear, or something…
A little further on the beach… Wow, dude, Courtney really is unbelievably thin…! That’s almost scary… Sorry, they just showed a shot of her with the light coming from behind her, and, her waist is like the size of a pencil. Crazy. I would call her "Bones", if only the name wasn’t already taken by some stupid CSI clone type shit show… Anyway. Back on topic before I veer too far away.
So… oh, yeah. Time for Sandra to go "work her magic" on "him". They’re sitting on the beach, and he’s being paranoid about the conversation they just saw Coach and Courtney having:
"Courtney was just talking to Coach. Anyway, I’m not worried about her. I’ll just tell everyone that she’s whom we’re voting for, and that’s exactly what will happen. That simple."
Sandra: But I heard Coach said that voting out Boston Rob was a mistake…
"Him": What? Coach said that? What a two-faced little shithead… Well, his ass is on the line now. You don’t go against me. Anyone who goes against me in this game is toast. You hear me? He’s digging his own grave right now.
A minute later, Sandra is seen giggling behind a bush. She interviews: "Haha! Seen that? That idiot ate all that crap up! Hahaha! This guy doesn’t know how to play this game! He’s done good up til now, but with me here, he doesn’t know what he got himself into! Hahaha!"
All confused and panicked by the bullshit Sandra just told him about Coach, "he" runs to consult with Parvati. They both agree that voting out Coach may be a good idea after all, since it would keep the Heroes’s stupid assumption that there’s an all powerful women’s alliance on the Villains’ side very much alive.
Immunity challenge: obstacle course in the mud. Yeay, lots of slipping and falling!
The Survivors most go through the course belted together in pairs, retrieve a flag at the end and come back to their starting point. The two remaining people of each tribe will compete one-on-one. First tribe to have two flags win immunity. Jerry and Danielle sit out. As they go take a seat, they throw dirty looks at Coach.
First pairs are: "Him"/Sandra vs Amanda/Candice. Not unexpectedly, Amanda/Candice are killing this one. I love Sandra, but let’s face it, she sucks at most challenges. A teeny little part of me feel terrible for feeling slightly sorry for the Hobbit on crack, whose visible frustration I can understand. I don’t know who the fuck thought of pairing up those two. Anyway, that’s one point for the Heroes.
Next to go are Rupert vs Coach. Coach wins that one, but only by a second. Rupert is damn fast and agile for a big guy.
Last pairs are Parvati/Courtney vs JT/Colby and I think I already know how that one’s gonna go… Expectedly, the guys beat the girls by 62 miles and Courtney twists her ankle by just being Courtney and sucking at challenges that involve moving. Danielle rolls her eyes.
Why the Villains didn’t belt Sandra and Courtney together, I have no clue. I know I would have paired up two strong players and try to make up time that way, rather than splitting them up only to end up with two slow teams instead of one. But anyway, not my tribe, not my problem.
And on that, the Heroes win immunity, again. I betcha they wouldn’t be in that mess if Boston Rob was still around. Just sayin’.
Danielle interviews that Courtney is a useless sack of shit and a handicap for the tribe, and that it’s not fair to keep around people without any physical abilities at all. Because of course, Survivor is all about physical abilities. Case in point: Tina, Sandra. Shut up, Danielle.
Ah, my favourite moment of each episode: the pre-TC (Tribal Council) scrambling. I loooove that part.
It starts with everyone but Coach getting in the water to wash the mud off themselves and counting one another’s scratches and bruises. Even the Troll participates in that whine fest.
Meanwhile Coach’s all: "I see this as going to the spa, but free. And minus the hot towels and soft dressing-gowns… Bwahhh… I want to go home and go to a real spa!" Then he does some silly tai-chi moves and I have this urge to punch something. I’ll be honest, I just do not see what the big deal is with Coach. I know I haven’t seen Tocantins yet, but if Tai-Chi and New-Agey bullshit are what it’s about, I won’t bother watching it.
I find Coach annoying and flaky as well as dull and boring. Drama and identity crises can be fun occasionally, but I need more than that to keep me interested in a player for longer than two episodes. I’m not just a fan of the show Survivor, I’m also a fan of the game. And the reason why I watch the show is to see people actually playing the damn game, not spending all their air time stretching or whining.
Strategy-wise, Coach has done nada this season. And he intends to keep going in that direction. He makes a looong speech full of hypothesis and probabilities and possibilities and all kinds of other math on who he could vote for and what would happen if he did, only to conclude with: "But in the end I’ll probably just stick to this alliance I hate so much it keeps me up awake at night, and vote for Courtney. She is, after all, the weakest link."
Coach, you suck. Get off my TV.
Hobbit reminds us that he has the power in this game, in case we forgot over the course of the last four minutes. And also, he’s now all about voting off Coach, that dirty double-crosser. As for me, I’m silently giggling while sending imaginary flowers to Sandra.
Things get even funnier as we witness a ridiculous argument between ’him" and Danielle. She wants Courtney out; he’s hell-bent on ousting Coach. They throw insults at one another. Neither makes any sense, and I don’t know what the hell is happening on this show anymore, nor who’s aligned with whom and who’s voting who for whom and why, but I don’t care cos’ it is all so very fucking hilarious. Man, I love Survivor!
Danielle rabbits on some more about Sandra-and-Courtney-being-useless-in-challenges-especially-Courtney. I’m starting to understand why she’s been given so little airtime up until now. Useless-in-challenges or not, Sandra and Courtney at least give us these awesome confessionals, whereas Danielle, erm, not so much. She adds that at this point, she doesn’t know who the fuck to vote for anymore. So she goes to consult with the ever-wise Parvati.
Oh, look at that. Guess who’s creeping through the woods to also consult with Parvati? Yup, "him". "You know what? I might have a change of heart", "he" says.
Danielle stares at him: "Are you fucking kidding me? I’m having a change of heart too!"
Parvati looks at them and shakes her head: "You two are driving me crazy. I’m off back to camp to flirt my way into making the others vote the way I want them to. Later, bitches."
As usual, Jeff starts off by pointing out how stupid it was of them to vote off Boston Rob and Tyson, two strong players (if we leave out Tyson’s malfunctioning brain, that, is).
He asks Danielle something, and she says that sljkfàaatkopruiteajèysooooooooo… Ooops, sorry, that was me falling asleep on the keyboard, my apologies. Did I miss anything? No? That’s swell.
Let’s us move on to the part where Jeff points out for the 17th time how incredibly dumb they were for keeping Courtney over Boston Rob and Tyson.
Courtney hilariously snaps back: "Thanks Jeffrey."
Jeff: But you sat out the majority of challenges!
Courtney: That’s because no one in the group wanted to let me play. Furthermore, I never voted for either Rob or Tyson, so don’t give me shit for stuff that I didn’t do, k? I never wrote your precious Rob’s name down, so give me a break, Probst. Insulting me’s not gonna bring him back.
Jeff: It wasn’t meant as an insult. Admit it, Boston Rob was dominating in the challen…
Courtney: I agree with you. Which is why I wanted to keep him here.
Jeff: But Danielle just said you voted him out because he was a such a threat? (RWAC: She did? Was it while I was napping?)
Courtney: I didn’t vote him out, the tribe did. And he just happened not to be in the dominating alliance.
Coach then proceeds to explain that pre-IC, he tried to energize his tribe by giving them a pep-talk instead of pizza, and that the general response was: "I’ll do my best, and now, leave me the fuck alone with your positive thinking bullshit."
Courtney rolls her eyes. Jeff wants to know why.
Courtney: Coach wanted to eat, so he picked the A-squad to compete in the reward instead of the immunity challenge. And by keeping the weakest people for the IC, he knew that should we lose, he’d have them to blame.
Coach: Are you saying I’m demoralizing the team?
Courtney: What?? I never said…
Jeff: That’s what I heard too.
When asked what the fuck is going on with this shitty tribe, Parvati very matter-of-factly points out that since they aren’t as physically strong as the other tribe, if they keep getting physical challenges, they’ll just keep losing unless they pull their shit together.
Jeff: At his point, it’s clear you guys are making decisions based on alliances and imaginary merges. How moronic do you feel about that last one?
Courtney: Very. Especially now that everyone is on the "Let’s vote off the weak" bandwagon. And I’m the poster child for weak Survivor. (While saying that, Courtney raises her skeletal arms and everyone nods in agreement.) But, I’m still here over a bunch of strong players, so twisted ankle, skinny chick, whatever, I’m a determined little bitch and I will put up with a lot of crap to get to end.
Excuse me for a moment while I give Courtney a standing ovation. That was a wonderful, brutally honest little speech. Gotta, love Courtney for her interviews, chica’s a hoot. My other chica Sandra’s impressed too and they exchange a fist bump while I barely keep myself from cheering: "Go, weak!"
Jeff moves on to Mr. Egomaniac who states that in order for the Villains to get out of the hole they dug for themselves, they need to keep the tribe strong (fail) and keep the trust in place (re-fail). Courtney frowns. So do I. This dude is so full of shit he’s almost turning it into an art form. Unbelievable.
He adds in a barely circumvoluted way that he’s voting for Courtney.
Since he doesn’t want to see his boyfriend Coach go home, Jeff very happy with that answer, quickly announces that it’s time to vote, before the Hobbit has another change of heart.
Coach votes for Courtney. Courtney votes for coach and calls him a "freakin’ lunatic" in the process. Boy, I hope this girl sticks around. At this point, I can only count on her and Sandra to provide me with some comic relief. The others are either hopelessly boring, infuriatingly stupid, or so full of "him"self that he makes Spencer Pratt seem humble in comparison.
Time for Jeff to read the votes:
Two for Coach. Three for Courtney. One: "No, no, no, no, no" from me.
One more vote for Coach. I stop breathing, just in case it may help make Coach go away.
And guess what?? It works!
As he’s about to read the last vote, Jeff’s eyes fill up with tears. Between two sobs, he manages to articulate: "9th person voted out of Survivor HvsV: Coach." After a short pause, he quickly wipes his cheeks, looks straight into the camera and adds: "And the first member of our jury."
The Survivors all stare at Jeff, wide-eyed. Off camera, someone angrily yells in a British accent: "JURY??? WTF is he doing?" Hurried footsteps are heard. Mark Burnett appears, grabs Jeff by the wrist and drags him in a corner away from the others.
Mark Burnett: Have you gone crazy? Jury? There are twelve players left, you twat! You announced it two weeks too early! What the hell were you thinking?
Jeff: I can’t take it anymore, Mark. Losing Boston Rob last week was heartbreaking enough. There’s no way I can make it through the rest of this season without Coach too. If he goes home, I quit, it’s that simple.
Mark Burnett: But Jeff…
Jeff: There’s no "but", Mark. If you don’t leave me Coach, I’m done with this show. Plus, look on the bright side, a bigger jury means a longer finale, thus more commercials, thus more advertising money. Bottom line: you get even richer than you already are, I get to keep my boyfriend here with me, and we’re both happy. So? Deal?
Mark Burnett: I would have preferred you stuck to the initial schedule, but…
Jeff: How the hell was I supposed to know that these morons would keep Courtney over Tyson, Boston Rob and Coach??? That goes against all logic!
Mark Burnett: Good point. They really are imbeciles. Anyway, I…
Coach: Ahem… So, can anyone tell me what’s going on? Am I going home, staying here, did I make the jury? The Dragon Slayer is confused…
Mark Burnett: Fine, Jeff, you win this time. I don’t know what it is that you love so much about this guy, but that’s your business. However, pull another one like this, and next season, I’m replacing you with Ryan Seacrest. I heard he may be jobless after this season of Idol.
Jeff: As if you could afford Ryan Seacrest…
Mark: After our upcoming five hours long finale and our three hours long reunion show, I might. Don’t get up on your high horse just yet, Jeff, remember who’s boss here. I gave you this show, and I can it away. (© 2005 Al Gore. If you don’t get the reference, look it up.)
Jeff: Yes, Mark. I promise I’ll be good from now on. As long as I have Coach with me, I’ll be happy and I’ll behave myself.
Mark Burnett: That’s a good boy. Alright then, I’m out of here. You may resume TC. Ta!
Jeff: Darling, you’re staying!
Coach jumps in Jeff’s arms and they hug for like a minute and a half. Courtney rolls her eyes so hard she loses her balance and falls over backwards, twisting her other ankle in the process. While Sandra helps her up, Coach and Jeff are excitedly whispering at one another:
Coach: So I’ll just have a quick shower and meet you at the spa, right?
Jeff: Unless you prefer to have dinner first?
Coach: Can they serve us dinner at the spa?
Jeff: Oh, that’s a great idea! Then we can go back to my trailer and watch a movie, or play video games. I have "Rockband: the Beatles"!
Coach: Do you have "Fable"? I love that game! Especially the second one!
Jeff: No, unfortunately, I don’t. I’ll ask the crew, maybe one of them has it. Anyway, I better finish this. You go do your confessional and get cleaned up, and I’ll see you in a little while. Oh, I’m so happy that you’re staying here with me!
Coach winks at Jeff, and walks away. Jeff walks backward to the middle of the TC area, all the while waving at Coach, and then turns around to face the remaining Survivors. Surprise! The bench in front of him is empty. Bored and feeling like a bunch of third wheels, the Villains took off.
Jeff looks around, shrugs, then runs in the direction Coach left, shouting: "Coach! Coach! Wait for me, we’re all done here! Coach!"
Next week on Survivor, we will witness a move that is presumably dumber than James’, Jason’s and Erik’s all rolled up together. I’m looking forward to that.
In his final confessional, Coach explains that he never thought he was gonna get the boot, and that it’s a shame because there was so much he still wanted to accomplish, prove, redeem, blah-blah-blah. Yeah, whatever.
As for me, I’m ecstatic and feeling somehow vindicated from the loss of Boston Rob. As an added bonus, I won’t have to put up with Coach’s wishy-washy bullshit for a good two months.
But the best part definitely was Parvati and Danielle voting for Coach instead of, as instructed by the self-proclaimed puppetmaster, Courtney. That makes me really, really happy. Seeing Russell’s gigantic ego suffering a first blow was so satisfying that I’m almost liking him right now. So, because I’m in a such a good mood, I’m gonna do something nice for him: I’m dropping the quotation marks and bitchy nicknames and will, from now on call him by his actual name.
Peace out Russell!
As for the rest of you, I’ll see you at the next recap, if I ever manage to write it. Ciao!