Survivor Heroes vs Villains, episode 9 recap

27 Apr

Howdy, avid reader. Or not. Avid, I mean.

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So, didn’t you luuurve last week’s episode? Coach getting kicked out, Russell getting kicked in the ego… It was awesome! Let’s hope for some more of that: “Fuck what Russell says, I’m voting my way!” attitude. It might finally put an end to the oh-so-repetitive “I’m the king of Survivor” speech we’ve been hearing every week for the last season and a half.

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Day 21. Villains’ camp. Night. Bugs and rats crawling everywhere. Eww.

Jerri looks haggard: “Dude… I have no clue what the fuck just happened… I never thought Coach was gonna get voted out… Yo, Rebel Without A Clue, you’ve seen the show, can you tell me what just hit me and why?”

Rebel Without A Clue is busy typing her recap and does not reply. Worried, Jerri goes to Danielle: “I’m not next am I?”

Danielle: You? Oh, no, not at all. You have my word, I’m not writing your name down… for at a least three days… Hihihi! Nah, I’m just kidding. I didn’t tell you about voting out Coach because you’re such a little Russell whore that you would have spilled the beans to him in a second. And we didn’t want that. But calm down. You’re not next.

A hyperventilating Jerri interviews: Coach was actually the only person in my alliance I didn’t help vote out. God, do I suck at this game or what…? And speaking of sucking, I think I’ll just stick with this alliance whom I don’t trust and of which I am at the bottom, and just hope for the best.”

After that speech, Jerri sits quietly for a while. Then suddenly, she gets up and runs away like a spooked rabbit.

Two seconds later, she reaches Russell, puts both her hands on his shoulders and, completely out of breath, pants: “I… I am not… next, am I?”

Russell’s all, “no way, Jose” then in confessional, says that he’s delighted to be on a tribe with five women, because not unlike Hugh Hefner, he loves to surround himself with pretty things. And also, because women are dumb and thus, easy to control.

But mostly, because it’ll keep the morons from the Heroes’ tribe believing that the Villains have a women’s alliance and are picking off one by one everyone who owns a pair of testicles. He then adds that he trusts 60% of the women from his little harem. The remaining 40% being of course Courtney and Sandra. He assures us that they’re next, because he’s the king and calls he the shots and blah-blah-blah. I need a pee. BRB.

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Day 22. Villains’ camp. Day. Pretty clouds in the sky and cute wittle birdies signing in the trees. Camp looks much more pleasant now than it did on night 21.

“Tree mail!” chirps Parvati as she comes back to camp with a parchment in her hand. She isn’t done unfolding it that the other Villains all jump up at once, screaming:

“WE’RE MERGING!!! Quick, let’s dismantle the camp and take everything with us including a couple of trees!”

Parvati: Whoa… WHOA! Everyone, freeze. Wouldn’t you like to hear what it says before we end up carrying for miles an 18-wheeler’s worth of stuff, only to have to carry it back?

The Villains blush and sit back down. Sandra giggles awkwardly. So does Danielle.

Parvati throws them a dirty look, then looks down at the message: “Wow, it’s really long…” She turns it over, and it is, indeed, pretty long. Almost as long as my Survivor recaps.

The Villains are all like: “No shit, it is fucking long…”

Parvati: So? Does anyone want to read it?

Jerri: Do we really have to?

Courtney: I don’t care. I’m know I’m going home next anyway.

Sandra: I’m the same as you, only one week later. Fist bump, sister!

Russell: I can’t read words. Only number$.

Danielle: Fine. I’ll read it.

As soon as she’s done, they all stare at her with a blank look in their eyes.

Russell: Huh?

Courtney: What was that about?

Sandra: I didn’t get it either.

Parvati: Well, that was a waste of time… Let’s just go back to camp and take it easy until the challenge. And once there, we’ll just wing it. Today’s my 100th day on Survivor overall, counting my other two seasons, so the odds I’ve already done this challenge are pretty good. If not, one of you may have. I’m feeling this, you guys.

(Note from the recapper: I made a mistake, this day wasn’t Parvati’s 100th, but 98th or 99th day. Who gives a shit anyway. But still, I wanted to rectify, just in case a crazed fan stops by here and gives me shit for posting inaccuracies.)

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On the Heroes’ tribe, things go a little differently. First, each Hero reads the tree mail out loud while the others are taking notes with a pen and a pad of paper (items which will only make their appearance later on in the actual TV show, but which I happen to need right now for my recap. Artistic licence, it’s called.)

Then after 45 minutes of equations and comparing notes, they come to the conclusion that they probably will lose this challenge.

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Reward challenge:

The Heroes watch the Villains file in one by one. JT whispers:”Coach’s gone.”

Rupert winks at him and shouts a little too enthusiastically, while gently slamming into him: “See? I told you?!!”

Then him, JT and Colby proceed to high-five one another under the contemptuous eyes of Amanda and Candice, until Jeff interrupts them: “Guys, it’s gonna get dark soon, we should get to the challenge. Rupert, what do you make of this lack of Coach?”

Rupert: Well, duh! That women’s alliance sure looks strong to me!

Colby and JT: Damn right!

The Villains giggle like a bunch of teenage girls who just made eye contact with a cute boy at the mall.

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The challenge itself is… oh boy, oh boy… I’m SO not good at describing the stuff that actually happens in the game… OK, I’ll try… But I’m nervous…

The Survivors go head-to-head in pairs, one member from each tribe. They have to stand barefoot between between two walls on small footholds. Every 10 minutes, they have to move down to a smaller foothold, then an even smaller one ten minutes later. From then on, it’s a matter of endurance. Whoever lasts longer scores a point for their tribe, first tribe to get to three points wins reward.

Did that make sense? If it didn’t, it’s your fault. You shouldn’t come here for an actual recap of the show. If you had read my last post, you would already know that you don’t come to this blog for accuracy, facts or truth. Not even truthiness. (© Stephen Colbert)

Back to the challenge, Courtney elbows Sandra: “I’ve done a similar challenge. The smaller the feet, the better. And we have five girls. We got this, you guys!” She and Parvati high-five. Rupert sticks his tongue out at Courtney. She gives him the finger.

The reward is: a feast from Outback Steakhouse. They all almost pass out from joy. I’m guessing that Outback Steakhouse must the Red Lobster of beef, amirite? I’m just askin’; I live in Québec, we ain’t got no Outback Steakhouse. But we got maple syrup, and you don’t, bitches.

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Time to move on to the challenge part of the challenge. Jeff asks the Survivors who they ranked and how. Oh, yeah, there was a mention of that in the War and Peace-sized tree mail they received… Basically, they were asked to rank their tribes’ members from whom they thought would be the best at that challenge down to the shittiest person. Russell was ranked so low he doesn’t even get to be in it. Excuse me while I do a quick happy dance…

The pairs are:

Danielle vs Candice; Courtney vs Amanda; Parvati vs JT, who happens to have both participated in and won this challenge in the Tocantins season. Then we have, oh, look! Jerri and Colby! Jerri bends forward to look at him and says, in a hilarious mock-soft voice: “Hey Colby…!” Ha! Colby grins and growls back: “Hi Jerri!” Jerri bursts out laughing and so do I.

Rebel Without A Clue note: A few days ago, I’ve started to rewatch Survivor’s second season, Australian Outback. That was Jerri and Colby’s first season, and it reminded me why I’ve always liked Jerri. She was absolutely awesome in that season! And that’s the Jerri I wants to see on THIS season. So for the love of God, evil it up, girl!

Erm, where was I again? Oh, yeah, last pair, also a fun one, Sandra vs Rupert who also played together on the Pearl Islands season, and they too were awesome. However, unlike Sandra, who’s still got it, Rupert has turned into a complete moronic bore this season (not that he wasn’t in All-Stars; two words: underground shelter.) But that’s enough dwelling on the past for now.

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Time for the Survivors to take their positions; they climb on their footholds, and the challenge is on. Jeff walks back and forth in front of them, licking a big red lollipop while babbling incessantly. “If any of you touch one of your walls with anything other than your forearms or heads, you will immediately be hit by lightning… Oh, I see you guys have put JT in the middle… Interesting… Rupert, there’s something on your chin… It’s a… beard! Hahaha!” And so on.

One of the first things I noticed while rewatching season 2, was that back then, Jeff kept his fucking trap shut during the challenges. I might send him a tweet later on, to suggest he too rewatches that season…

Once he’s all out of observations and lollipop, Jeff announces that today is Amanda’s 100th day on Survivor. I must say, respect. I know I wouldn’t last one afternoon on that show, especially with Jeff yabbering away non-stop like he’s doing. That’d drive me crazy.

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Perched on their tiny footholds, the Survivors are all looking solid. That’s too much for Jeff to take: “Time for y’all to step down to the smaller set of footholds. And I want to see you SWEAT! Come on!”

Sensing that Jeff is on a sugar high (that lollipop really was HUGE) Sandra decides to distract him with the tale of “When-I-went-to-the-Outback-Steakhouse-twice-the-week-b4-my-husband-left-for-Afghanistan”.

JT, from the privacy of his two walls, blows a kiss at Russell who’s sitting on the out-sitters’ bench. He winks back at JT.

OK, I’ll be serious here for a second, I’ve rewatched closely and several times the little love scene between Russell and JT right there, and I’ve gotta to hand it Russell, he does deserve a nomination for best acting on Survivor (although I still have Johnny Fairplay pegged as winner).

What really happened there was that JT, from his perch, mouthed to Russell: “Hang in there”. And Russell responded with a spot-on impression of the poor, pitiful, hopeless sole testicled-member of a tribe composed of five Wonderwomen. Sad puppy eyes and all. Per. Fect. JT even shed a tear. OK, I was exaggerating, he just frowned. But still.

And, to conclude on the JT/Russell thing, if anyone could tell me when and how exactly they became such good buddies, I’d be very grateful. Since they’re not on the same tribe and I have no recollection of them ever talking together about a potential alliance, I’d be curious to know how that came about.

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Of course, Russell, as the dick that he is, has to ruin that rare moment when he doesn’t make me want to throw a glass of water at the TV; he calls on me to gloat: “Hey! HEY!! You there, on the computer!”

RWAC: Are you talking to me?

Russell: Yes, I am. Have you seen how I am so good at this game that I’m even controlling what’s going on on the other tribe? JT’s mah bitch now. The second we merge, he’s gonna be all over me like a horny little puppy, thinking I’m gonna flip on mah women. Well, we’ll see about that. Clearly, that kid doesn’t know who Russell Hantz is. Because if he did, he…

RWAC: Oh, shut up, Russell. And unless you have something interesting to tell me, do not interrupt me while I’m writing, please. I don’t consider you parroting how you’re better than everyone else here as interesting. At least, not anymore. So you and your superiority complex, leave me the hell alone.

Russell: Whoa, PMSing much?

RWAC: You don’t know the first thing about PMS, Russell. And if it happened to you, you’d be crying like a pissy little girl, just like you did at the Samoa reunion show, like the sore loser that you are.

Russell: I don’t like you. You are mean.

RWAC: I don’t like you either. See, we have something in common. And now, shut up, please, I’ve a recap to write.

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While I was having my little tiff with Russell, ten more minutes have gone by and it’s time for the Survivors to step down to the smallest foothold and let the fun begin for good. With much wincing, grimacing, and groaning, the players manage to clumsily perch themselves on the last foothold, which really is very small. That’s gotta be tough on the guys and their big clumsy feet. I’d feel for them if only they weren’t so fucking stupid.

Jeff, who is now eating a popsicle, has started pacing back and forth again while commenting on how painful it must be to be standing on a quarter inch foothold under the burning sun.

After a brief struggle, Colby is the first one to lose his grip and to be out of the challenge. Jerri steps down painfully and elbows him in the ribs on her way to the bench where Russell is sitting. She shouts at Sandra: “Come on, you popped out some babies, this ain’t nothing!”

Sandra: Yep, two natural births, and didn’t even get an aspirin. So I know what pain is. And this isn’t pain, this is fun.

Everyone who isn’t sweating buckets while clenching their teeth laughs with Sandra. Rupert isn’t one of them. A little puddle of sweat has formed below him. He’s struggling like mad to keep his broken toe gripping the minuscule foothold, to no avail. He’s out.

Jeff summons Sandra to step down. She refuses: “Oh, come on Jeff, one more minute, please. I’m having a blast up here.”

Again, everyone who isn’t not fighting off devastating cramps is in stitches. JT mumbles something that sounds like “Someone shove a sock down the show-off bitch’s throat NOW.”

The Villains have two points. The players still in the challenge are now visibly struggling to hang on, with the exception of Courtney who seems as comfortable as if she was standing on a big fluffy cloud.

Then Amanda drops down and for the first time in the season, the Villains manage to win a challenge without Boston Rob. Maybe there is hope yet.

As the Heroes walk away, Sandra hollers at them: “Bon appétit, bitches!”

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Same day. Day. Outback Steakhouse. A group of very dirty people seem to be having the time of their life.

Sandra interviews: “I kinda feel bad about being at Outback Steakhouse without my husband cos it’s his favourite place to eat. I’m sure he’s dead jealous right now. Well, I’m sorry honey, but this is Survivor and I’m freakin’ starving. But hey, if it makes you feel better, I’ll eat for both of us.”

They sit down to eat. Courtney nibbles on a lettuce leaf and two fries, then pushes her chair back, exclaiming: “Phew! I’m full, you guys!”

Parvati: So am I… I need to go take a shit. Gotta make some room so that I can eat more. Be right back. Danielle, mind coming with me? I need someone to hold my purse.

Danielle: But you’re not carrying a p…

Parvati kicks her under the table.

Danielle: Ouch! What the… Ooops, I think I need to go take a shit too… Back in a sec!

Everyone stares at them as they’re walking away. Then they all go: “Meh. Whatever.” and dive back into their plates.

Interspersed in the midst of shots showing the Survivors stuffing themselves while making fun of the Heroes’s persistence into believing in an all powerful women’s alliance on the Villains’ side, are short confessionals. Jerri says: “It’s just so funny that they think us women are united, when it’s Russell who’s running the show over here! I find it absolutely hysterical! Hahaha!”

RWAC: You find that funny? I don’t. But then again, I’ve seen Samoa. If you had too, you wouldn’t be laughing right now, believe me.

Thankfully, Jerri’s laughing so hard she doesn’t hear me. Good. I’d hate to interfere in her game. Not that she has one.

On the beach, Parvati drags Danielle behind a bush:”Yo. Check this out!”

Danielle: What do you have? What is this? Vintage toilet paper?

Parvati: No, idiot, it’s a clue for a Hidden Immunity Idol!

Danielle: What? How did you get that?

Parvati: It was in my napkin. It fell on my lap when I unfolded it. So I immediately shoved it in my underwear, had a good time with it, then once I was done, I said I needed a crap.

Danielle: Oh, I was wondering why you were wiggling so much on your seat. You naughty girl, you! Was it good?

Parvati: Let’s just say I’ve had better sex toys. But do you know what else I’d like to do with this? Read it.

The two girls read the message, then Parvati asks Danielle: “Do you have a pocket?”

Danielle: I ever better: huge boobs which may or may not be real. Either way, there’s enough room in there to hide an entire roll of paper towels, so gimme that thing.

Danielle shoves the clue between her breasts, then gives the cameraman and the dude in charge of blurring private parts a field day by adjusting her buff so that it barely covers her nipples.

Then they head back to the feast, where everyone is laughing at Courtney’s impression of Rupert.

Parvati interviews that the reason why she told Danielle about the clue is that she wants her trust and her loyalty. She adds that she’ll fill in Russell about the HII on a need-to-know basis, but that right now, he doesn’t need to know.

That’s my girl! Jerri should totally take a clue from this chick. I’m not huge fan of Parvati’s personality, but after watching her in the Fans vs Favourites season, I must say I totally respect her gameplay. The girl is devious, clever, observant, subtle; she knows how to use people to her own advantage and she doesn’t make decisions on an emotional basis. She thinks. And I like that about her. As a bonus, she’s fun to watch.

I’m hoping she’ll wreak havoc later on in this game. Originally, I was hoping Jerri would be the one to do it, but at this point, I’m starting to seriously doubt it.

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Day 22. Heroes’ camp. Dusk.

JT is pacing back and forth like a caged lion: “Ah don’t give a flying fuck about steak. Ah didn’t come here to eat no friggin’ steak. I’ve eaten so much steak in mah lahfe ah can’t stand the stuff anymore. So fuck em and fuck their stupid steaks.”

In confessional, JT bursts into tears: “BWAAHHH! I want steak so baaaad! Back home, I live on steak, y’ know? I raise cattle, I eat Black Angus three times a day, whole ones, raw. Just catch the cow, kill it, and bite into the motherfucker! These guys don’t…”

The absence of beef in JT’s diet has obviously gone to gone to his head and seriously clouded his judgement. He stops mid-sentence, dries his tears and runs off, leaving the crew wondering what the hell.

He arrives at camp, out of breath, but overexcited: “Guys, I’ve thought of a great plan!” Curious, they all surround him.

JT explains that since it’s obvious there’s a women’s alliance on the Villains’ side and that Russell’s clearly the next to go (in spite on them having zero proof of neither) his genius plan is to somehow sneak his HII to Russell during the Immunity Challenge. He adds: “That way, if we win, he can save himself and get rid of Parvati.”

Amanda: How are you gonna give it to him though?

JT: Wrap it in a sheet of paper with instructions on how to use it.

Candice bites her bottom lip and looks at Amanda. Amanda says: “I need to go take a crap. Candice, can you come with me to hold my purse while I’m doing my business?”

The men look at the girls walk ways, then go: “Meh. Whatever.” and resume high-fiving JT and giving him big friendly slaps on the back.

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Amanda interviews: “I’m not sure about this. Seems pretty crazy to me, giving Russell the idol. We don’t know what’s going on over there. He could be in with the girls, for all we know. And that’s it: we don’t know…”

And, just like that, Amanda justified why she has spent 100 days on Survivor: because, not unlike Parvati, she takes a little time to analyze the situation before jumping on the “This is a fantastic idea!” bandwagon.

I too take a little time to reflect; the conclusion of my reflections is something that I’ve always known: men are stupid. If you don’t believe me, I have names: Rupert, Colby, JT, Coach, Tyson, James, Jason, Erik and Colby again.

In the woods, Amanda quizzes Candice: “What do you think of this dumb idea?”

Candice: It’s not dumb as it is crazy. If the guys are right, it could give us the numbers post-merge. Plus it would get the idol away from him.

RWAC, off the top of her voice, through a bullhorn: IT IS BOTH DUMB AND CRAZY! I BESEECH YOU, DON’T DO IT!!! STOP JT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!

Unfortunately, the girls don’t hear me. One of Survivor’s producers saw me come back with the bullhorn, so he gets the sound guy to crank some suspenseful music really really loud.

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Day 23. Villains’ camp. Russell is sitting on the beach, chewing on a piece of grass while staring into the horizon. He’s not talking, for once. There’s a rainbow in the sky. I find myself hoping there will be many more rainbows featured in the rest of this season, as they seem to keep Russell quiet. I dislike him a lot less when he’s silent. He also has nice eyes for such a shithead.

Back in the woods, Parvati, Danielle and a shovel are trying to make sense of the HII clue, which goes on about some “dancing trees”. I have no snarky comment on that one, I’m as confused as they are.

They decide to go look for dancing trees. 15 seconds later, Danielle stops in front of a bunch of regular trees: “That’s it. It’s here.”

Parvati: They don’t look like they’re dancing at all though.

Danielle: No, look down here!

Half hidden behind the trunk of one of the trees is a large red sign: “For Hidden Immunity Idol, dig here.”

The two girls exchange a knowing smile and start digging. Three inches deeper, they’re done digging: the HII is their possession. They take a couple of seconds to giggle like schoolgirls, then they quickly fill the hole they’ve just made.

During this whole scene, we’re shown the occasional shot a seemingly antsy Russell, walking around, looking into the woods. Has he seen or heard anything? The edit says no, but given that the edit seems to do its darnest best to make Russell appear as a genius, God knows if they won’t spring something on us about that next week.

In confessional, Parvati confirms that she won’t tell Russell about the HII, not because she doesn’t trust him, but because she wants to make him squirm a little bit. She adds that he isn’t the king of Survivor, but that she, Parvati Ist, is the Queen, and that either way, the king always ends up doing what the queen says, so she’s cool.

And I’m cool too.

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Same day. Heroes’ camp. Day. Whales in the sea. At least, what looks like whales.

The pen and pad of paper I was telling you about earlier are now making their official appearance in the game, causing the internet to crash due to the millions of people posting all at once on Survivor message boards: “This show is rigged: where the fuck did they get paper from?”

And in case you were wondering the same thing, the pen and paper were part of Amanda’s luxury’s item which her tribe won in an earlier challenge.

Oooh, you guys, I am so happy!!! I have finally found someone who is more long-winded than me: JT! His love letter to Russell is almost as long as this recap, and a lot soppier:

“Dear Russell,

I can’t wait until you come on mah side and we can go hunting for coconuts together. Ah’ll help you get rid of all them mean women, don’t worry. And maybe, we can cuddle at night. Lovin’ you forever, you “Villain”, you! 😉

JT.”

I’ve left out all the bits which I thought were too inappropriate for my very tasteful blog, but on the show, that letter was way longer and dirtier.

JT reads his letter out loud to his tribesmates who are lying down in the shelter. He’s two thirds of the way through when Rupert lets out a loud snore. Candice turns over, elbows him, then says sleepily: “It’s very nice, JT, keep going… zzz…” Rupert wakes up long enough to growl: “That’s a great idea, JT!” then goes back to sleep too.

A bit disappointed, JT goes to confessional to read his letter to the crew. Although he does know that they aren’t allowed to give him any feedback, he interviews that he at least appreciates the fact that they made the effort to stay awake while he was reading.

And, in case we weren’t completely aware of how fucking Survivoricidal his plan is, he reiterates the whole thing. As if. But hey, at least, he admits he’s nervous. I’m not. I’m in stitches. I love this show.

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Immunity challenge. Day. As is usually the case during Immunity Challenges.

Jeff has to drag Candice in the sand over a distance of about a quarter mile to finally manage to wrestle the Immunity Idol from her. He comes back, sweating like a pig, takes a second to catch his breath, and explains the challenge. It involves water, floating platforms, a boat, puzzle pieces, obstacles, but really, who gives a flying fuck about that? All I care about is: will JT manage to put his crazy plan to execution and give Russell the HII? That is the real challenge.

Sandra sits out for the Villains. Wow, how unexpected.

Even though I don’t feel like getting into the intricacies of the challenge, I’ll just tell you that it’s rigged so that the Heroes win. There’re bags of puzzles to be untangled and carried in the water, thus making them much heavier. It’s obvious that the tribe which has all the big guys is gonna win that one.

Not that we should care. Personally, all I’m waiting for is the love scene between JT and Russell.

Skinny chicks or not, the Villainesses put up a good fight against the gorillas from the Heroes. And speaking of gorillas, Colby and Russell are now alone on their respective platforms in the water, conveniently beyond the others’ earshot.

Colby: Hey. You going tonight?

Russell: Uh-uh.

Colby: When the challenge is over, you go to JT. He’s gonna give you something. Use it tonight, protect yourself, get rid of one of them, then you come on board with us.

Russell: Which one do I get rid of?

Colby: Parvati.

Russell: Good call. She’s running the show.

Colby: Knew it! Get rid of her ass!

Russell: I wish I could shake your hand right now.

Colby: I don’t. You look filthy and slimy. But JT trusts you and since I have zero game. I might as well go with his “master plan”.

It’s Colby’s turn to jump in the water to rescue the last bag of puzzle pieces for his tribe. As soon as his gone, Russell starts howling with laughter like a maniac.

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Expectedly, the Heroes win the challenge by what seems to be a landslide.

Unexpectedly, both tribe are seen exchanging handshakes, pats on the back and “There’s always tomorrow!” on the beach after Jeff’s “Villains, I’ll see you tonight at Tribal Council” bit. Russell walks straight to JT who’s carrying his shoes in his hand. The idol’s in one of them, wrapped in the love letter. JT quickly slips it to Russell who shoves it in his pants while they’re totally faking a hug.

Before we head to commercial, Russell interviews: “Now I don’t even have to find idols. People are giving me idols. You don’t hand the enemy the idol.”

I find myself frantically nodding. Then he adds: “Especially when his name is Russell Hantz.”

To distract myself from my urge to throw something at the TV, I go to the fridge to get another beer.

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Day 24. Heroes’ camp. Day. Nice day, actually.

JT’s in the shelter, talking Colby and Candice’s ears off about how he accomplished part 1 of his master plan: giving Russell the idol. After putting both of them to sleep again, he goes to look for Rupert and Amanda so that he can do a little more gloating: “We’ll make Survivor history after this one, guys!”

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Note from the future: You guys. I’m a bad, bad recapper. It’s now Thursday night, and the new episode has already aired (and it was AWESOME.) That means that I’m a week late.

The last sentence I typed last night was JT’s “We’ll make Survivor history after this one” statement. In the light of tonight’s riveting episode, I can only say one thing: Well done, JT, You have indeed made history. You are now an official member of the Survivor Hall of Shame and shall from now on have a prime spot in any montage of “Survivor’s dumbest moves”. Congrats, buddy.

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OK, where was I? Oh yeah, JT… Hahahaha!

… Ahem. I’m sorry folks. I just don’t think I’ll be able to write about JT’s mater plan with a straight face from now on. It’s been five hours and I’m still giggling from tonight’s episode. Master plan, my ass!!! LMAOROTFLOLBWAHAHA!!!

OK, I’m done. At least for now… Lol! (oops.)

Rupert interviews… (Oh, no, my god, this is gonna kill me, you guys…) Rupert talks about how beside himself with gratitude Russell must be now… I mean, one second, he’s getting voted out by a bunch of man-hating bitches, and the next, his ass is miraculously saved, all thanks to a scruffy-looking young Southerner who eats steak straight off the cow.

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Over at the Villains’ camp, Russell runs to Parvati: “Look! Look!”

Parvati: What’s that?

Russell: It’s a letter from JT!

Parvati:What does it say?

Russell: I don’t know, I can’t read words, only number$, remember?

Parvati: That’s right. Want me to read it? I… Oh my God, Russell… This is a love letter…!

What follows is a hilarious scene which is essentially great PR for Parvati. Her reading of JT’s letter is pretty damn funny, and the little: “BFFs forever, xoxo, JT” she adds at he end totally cracks me up. By the time she’s done, she, Russell and I are all in stitches. And rightly so. JT’s “Hopefully, you’re not truly a Villain” conclusion bit is both adorably naive and infuriatingly.. well, naive.

Parvati comments: “What is this? Passing notes? Are we in 5th grade? What is wrong with him? I cannot believe that kid won!”

I nod, clap and burst out laughing all at once.

Parvati interviews: “You don’t hand a Villain your heart. Today, JT gave Russell his heart. And Russell is going to stab it a million times… and give to me! And I’m gonna eat it!”

Although I’m not a heart eater myself (never been a fan of giblets) I couldn’t agree with her more.

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Meanwhile in the woods, Courtney and Sandra are gloomily walking side by side. Sandra explains that they’re both fully aware one of them is getting the boot tonight and that it makes her really sad. She adds that her without Courtney is like rice without beans.

All that tells me is that diet-wise, I have very little in common with this batch of Survivors. Between JT who eats whole cows, Parvati who devours hearts and Sandra’s rice and beans dish, I sure won’t be having dinner with one of those three anytime soon, let me tell you that.

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At the Villains’ camp, Parvati Danielle and Russell are having an excruciating debate, as to whom they should vote at TC.

Russell: So? Courtney?

Danielle: Simple. Parvati?

Parvati: Huh?

Russell: Courtney?

Parvati: Whatever. Sure.

Danielle: Settled.

In confessional, Russell explains the outcome of this painful discussion: “I don’t trust neither Sandra nor Courtney, but I don’t like Courtney cos’ I think she’ll flip.”

Sure. That makes sense. Keeping around one of Survivor’s most infamous floaters, who happens to have won her season and is now in an all-stars game on the Villains’ tribe is very smart. Well done, Russell. Maybe you should take a clue from your own book. Just like you, there’s a reason why Sandra too is a Villain… Just sayin’.

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In the woods, Courtney has managed to corner the wise high priestess of the Villains, Parvati, to plead her cause to her: “So? Are they voting for me or Sandra?”

Parvati: I don’t know. I don’t know what to do.

Courtney: I do: keep me around. We have five, and after the merge, Amanda is likely to come with us cos she trusts me. Or at least, she did five seasons ago. But since I’m really desperate right now, I’ll just assume that she still does. So there you have it: keep me and I’ll be your bitch until the end of the season. The only thing I won’t do is throw Sandra under the bus and vote for her. How’s that for loyalty? So I guess I’m gonna vote for Jerri. You do what you gotta do.

Parvati says she’ll do her best to save her, but confesses that even though she really likes Courtney and thinks she’s likely to be a loyal ally in the long run, campaigning too hard for her to stay will make the other Villains suspicious.

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Wow you guys. Not only has Parvati become the Godmother of Survivor, she also has acquired the ability to be everywhere at once: there she is now, with Jerri, Danielle and Russell, who insists he has a little something to show them.

Danielle: But we don’t want to see your little something. I have a boyfriend, you know?!

Jerri: As for me, the only little something I actually wanted to see was Coach’s. Guess it’ll have to wait until Ponderosa, now…

Russell: Not that, you idiots! This!

Russel takes out the engagement immunity idol his loverboy JT gave him. The expression of disgust immediately vanishes off Danielle and Jerri’s faces, only to be immediately replaced by one of complete disbelief: “Get the fuck out of here!! How did you get this?”

Russell explains to the girls JT’s big dumb plan, and they’re all having a field day laughing their asses off.

Parvati decides to take advantage of the fact that everyone is in a good mood to make a suggestion: “Hahaha! JT’s an idiot, isn’t he? LOL! Giving an II to an enemy, what a moron… By the way, what would you guys think about keeping Courtney instead of Sandra?”

They all stop laughing and stare at her.

Russell: Why would you want to keep Courtney?

Parvati: Because I think that post-merge, she’d be more loyal to us. Sandra may well flip.

RWAC: Good point.

Russell: You, the blogger, shut up. You’re not in this game, so butt out, ok?

RWAC: Alright, alright… Jesus.. Stick up the arse much, Hobbit?

Russell: Hey! You don’t insult Russell Hantz, got it? Stupid dork… Where was I? Ah, yeah… I think Courtney would be much more likely to flip.

Parvati: I disagree. Sandra will flip before Courtney.

Danielle: They’re both likely to flip. Now, it’s just a matter of…

Then everyone starts talking at once, throwing names in every which way and we can clearly see that all that strategizing is hurting poor Jerri’s head: “I’m confused.. Are we voting for Sandra now?”

Russell, Danielle, Parvati: We don’t know.

Jerri: Well, when you do know, tell me who you picked and I’ll vote for them. I’ve zero game this season, so I might as well ride your coattails for as long as I can. Alright, I’m off for a walk, see you back at camp.

.

Tribal Council. Night. As usual. Lit torches everywhere. Very Dante’s Inferno-esque. At least, according to my idea of what Dante’s Inferno must be like. I haven’t actually read it.

Jeff: Let’s welcome the first member of our jury, Coach.

Nothing.

Jeff, much louder: LET’S WELCOME THE F…

A shuffle and mumbling are heard off camera. Coach jogs in, dripping wet, attempting vainly to close the bathrobe of Japanese inspiration he’s wearing.

Danielle: Ooops, Jerri, I think I just saw Coach’s little something… Look, quick! Ah, too late!

Coach sits in the jury area and explains: “Sorry, I was doing tai-chi in the shower and didn’t realize I had been in there for four hours. Hi, Jerri!”

Jeff: No “Hi Jeff!” for me, Coach? I’m hurt. I like the robe though. OK, Sandra: trust: still an issue?

Sandra: Jeff, don’t jinx me please. When I watch the show at home with my husband, the person whom you ask the trust question to is always the last one I would trust. Anyway, I know I’m in trouble tonight, since all the people I was allied with either kicked themselves out or were flipped on by members of their own alliance, Jerri. So tonight, it’s between me and Courtney.

Jeff: Is that true, Courtney?

Courtney: Yes.

Jeff: What else?

Courtney: There’s nothing else.

Jeff: Erm, but we still need at least five minutes of Tribal Council footage. If you and Sandra, who are the funniest and most talkative people left in the game answer my questions with one-liners, what are we going to show the viewing audience?

RWAC: That the show is not scripted?

All the Villains: You, shut up!!

RWAC: Man, these people are rude! When I used to recap American Idol, they had no problem with me interfering with their show… I guess hunger makes one cranky…

Villains: Shhhhh!

Jeff: Well, at least, she’s participating, unlike you lot. So unless you guys start answering my questions properly, I’m letting the blogger take over and you’ll be here all night. It’s up to you. Now, Russell, will you tell me if there’s a correlation between Courtney and Sandra being on the chopping block, and the fact that they sat out more challenges than anyone ever did in nineteen and a half seasons?

Russell: As if…! No, not at all. It all goes down to trust and to whom I’d like to fuck. Courtney is too skinny, and Sandra is married.

Jeff: Danielle, what is it about Sandra’s trustworthiness, or lack of, that her name keeps coming up tonight?

Danielle: She’s not in my alliance. And I’ve seen that she’s able to manipulate people.

Jeff: Give me an example.

Sandra: Yeah, please, do. I too would love to hear an example.

Danielle: I’ve seen you planting things into people’s minds just to stir up the pot.

Jeff: Danielle, focus. You’re not answering the question, which was about trust, not about having a big mouth.

Everyone giggles. Even Coach takes a break from towelling his hair to point and laugh at Danielle.

Danielle: Well, basically, I don’t trust her because she’s not on my side…

Jeff: And she doesn’t do what you want her to do. Amirite?

Sandra: Thing is, I was with Boston Rob from the beginning. Now he’s gone, so they’re all turning against me and Courtney cos’ we’re the last ones left from that alliance.

Danielle: No, that’s not it. It’s because you, Boston Rob, Courtney and Tyson never talked to me. The others did.

RWAC: Well, to be quite honest, you’re kind of boring. I had to both Google and Wikipedia you to remember who the heck you were. To my surprise, turned out you were the runner-up of season 12? Wow. Given that I still remember Sonja who was the first boot of the first season, I guess that makes you one of the most forgettable Survivors ever!

Russell: Didn’t I tell you to sh…

Danielle: Actually, the blogger’s right, I’m not that popular, so I’ll align with anyone who gives me a bit of attention. And Russell and Parvati did. For selfish reasons, of course, since I doubt they like me, but as long as they need me and pretend to be my friends, I’m happy. Then after the merge, I’m planning to ally with Candice who may be even more boring than me.

RWAC: I thought that too, but Candice is actually using her brain. I guess the editing just neglected to show it. Plus when this season started, I at least remembered having seen her somewhere before. You, I had no recollection.

Danielle: It’s alright, bitch, we got it. I’m boring, forgettable, blah blah blah. I think you made your point now.

RWAC: Oooh, attitude, I like that!… OK, I’m sorry you guys, keep going. I’ll be quiet.

Sandra: OMG, blogger, you’re as bad as me! Anyway, Danielle, you’re complaining Boston Rob and I never said hello to you, but there’s a reason for that: right off the bat, we made a pact that we wouldn’t accept any boring people in our alliance, so there you go.

Danielle: That’s not very nice. Plus you were Boston Rob’s bitch.

Sandra: Funny it’s Parvati’s bitch who should say that…

Danielle: But I’m not Parvati’s bitch!

Sandra: So are!

Danielle: So not!

Sandra: OK. Then if I’m Rob’s bitch and he’s telling me what to do, how do you explain I’m still here without him telling me what to do?

Danielle looks at her feet and doesn’t answer.

Jeff: So, Parvati, are you the boss?

Parvati: Of course. If you ask the Heroes, I’m the boss and I have more power than Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey rolled up together in a ball.

Jeff: What about Courtney isn’t trustworthy?

Parvati: For me, it isn’t about trust, it’s about alliances.

RWAC: Good point.

Jeff: Didn’t you just say you’d keep quiet?

RWAC: Ooops, I’m sorry… It… just came out. My bad.

Russell: I’ll tell you what about trust: out of …[insert long bullshitty monologue about trust here]… Danielle, Parvati and me are very tight.

Jeff: Courtney, what are you thinking?

Courtney: It’s true that these three are very tight. Sandra and I stuck with Rob even when we knew he was going, and when he did, it was the beginning of the end for us. Coach and Jerri deserted that sinking ship like the rats they are, and…

Jerri: Hey! Leave me out of this, I didn’t do anything.

RWAC: Damn right!

Coach: Just ignore her. She’ll go away.

Courtney: What do you mean you didn’t do anything? You goddamned flipped on us to join in on the threesome!

Jerri: I know, I have that thing for fake boobs… But it was only sexual, it didn’t mean anything…

Courtney: Ewww! Anyway, point is, you dumped us.

Jerri: I don’t feel that way. As far as I’m concerned, I was never in any alliance.

Courtney: Regardless. You still voted with their group against our group. Courtney doesn’t approve. But hey, you flipped just in time, awesome for you. I didn’t, and look where I am now. Fuck loyalty, man. Shittiest strategy ever.

.

It’s time to vote.

We don’t get to see who votes for whom, so let’s jump straight to the next bit, shall we?

It’s time to read the votes:

Jerri.

Courtney, Courtney, Courtney, Courtney.

Damn. Another funny one gone. I know this isn’t Last Comic Standing, but dude. This show needs some comedy, and who the hell do you think is gonna provide that now? Colby? JT? (Actually, JT will bring the house down, albeit not intentionally. I can’t wait to tell you all about it!)

Courtney hugs Parvati and Sandra, hands her torch over to Jeff, and takes the walk of shame which also happens to be the walk of comfortable bed, fully equipped bathroom and three meals a day. Downside: she’ll be stuck in Coach’s company. Can’t have it all.

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Next week on Survivor:

Merge! (For real this time.) Yippee!

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Final words:

Courtney’s swan song is super-cute. She’s proud the skinny chick made it all the way to the jury, which she is totally looking forward to. She says she can’t wait to make fun of the remaining players’ smelly rags and dirty hair and to torture them with bitchy questions. She adds that she’s been pretty lucky in both her Survivor experiences and that she doesn’t hate anyone intensely. Aww. I’ll miss her.

She graciously wishes everyone good luck, and this is the end of Courtney. At least for me, who’s being shut out of Ponderosa by CBS cos’ I’m Canadian. Assholes.

Noteworthy: during Courtney’s final confessional, while we are shown which Survivors voted for whom, I was surprised to see that Sandra actually voted for her pal Courtney. Not that there was much she could have done to save her, I guess, but still, I didn’t expect it.

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Well, that’s about it for me. Overall, this was an average episode. Great middle bit, all thanks to JT, his lenghty love letter and his big stupid scheme. Unfortunately, it ended on a lacklustre Tribal Council which was both predictable and, in my case, a frustrating lose-lose situation, since I didn’t want neither the skinny bitch nor the Latina one to go home. Oh well.

So at this point, I guess that all my hopes of seeing havoc wreaked in that game rest on Sandra and Parvati. On the upside, they’re two of the remaining three previous winners left in the game – the third one being JT, that genius. And I trust that my devious cunning girls can deliver a repeat performance. So better watch your back, Hobbit.

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As for you, reader, you better come back for my next recap, or else… well… Nothing will happen. But come back anyway. It’ll make me happy.

See you next time!

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One Response to “Survivor Heroes vs Villains, episode 9 recap”

  1. Samantha April 28, 2010 at 6:18 am #

    Funny recap 🙂 *Waves at you typing furiously on the island with the Survivors, wondering which team’s buff you’re wearing ;P

    This has been a crazy season, and now with the merge it’s gonna get even more bizarre. Agree with you that Courtney was a class act in her post-exit interview. She was a good sport. I still haven’t decided who to root for but a Russell vs. Parvati finale would be awesome. The votes would be soooo split since almost everyone hates them both. Bring on this week’s new episode!!

    Like

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