“Survivor” 27: Would you like some twists with your twists?

18 Sep

Howdy bitches! Whaddup? Had a good summer? Ready for the fall TV line-up? And more importantly, are you excited over the new show which will be starting to air tonight at 8pm while Survivor is on hiatus?

I’m sorry, what was that? Survivor isn’t on hiatus? The program debuting tonight is Survivor? Oh, honey. No it ain’t, but if believing that it is makes you feel better, by all means, go ahead and keep on fooling yourself. Here, have some more wool to pull over your eyes, and now, get out of here, go tell Russell Hantz on Twitter how he was robbed in Samoa and should have won, and let us grown-ups have an adult conversation, K?

Ugh. Damn casuals.

So, where was I? Oh yeah. The show that is replacing Survivor, and which, for some odd reason, CBS insists on calling Survivor even though they’re wrong. My theory behind this is that since this new show will air during what has been Survivor’s time slot for quite a while, and since it will comprise many a familiar face, starting with Jeff Probst’s, CBS figured out that calling it “Let’s Twist Again” or some clever shit like that would probably confuse the viewing audience, and evenmoreso, America’s favourite airhead, Kat Edorsson. (Kat, if you ever read this, just prepare yourself for the fact that I’m gonna bag on you a LOT this season. But also know that I’ll be doing it out of love. So it’s a compliment, really. Kinda.)

.

To tell you the truth, I’ve been wanting to write about this new show for quite a while, but the problem was, I had to wait until my favourite reality TV podcaster, Rob Cesternino, of Survivor Amazon and All-Stars fame explained it to me first, since I couldn’t for the life of me manage to make sense of the massive pile of piles of twists which awaits us. And to be honest, I still can’t. But since there are some people out there who still believe Russell Hantz was robbed in Samoa, I think I have the authority to write about a show I understand virtually nothing about. I call this concept “50 shades of cluelessness”. (If you need a clever name for your book, blog, band, show, YouTube channel or whatever you may be working on, hit me up, I’m really on a roll today.)

So when Rob finally put up his bi-yearly season preview/cast assessment podcast online, I listened intently to it, in the hopes that Rob and his wife Nicole would help me see the light. Unfortunately, this mission remains for the most part unaccomplished, although it did have an unexpected side effect: I am now genuinely looking forward to (not)Survivor: BvsW (Blood vs Water, which is, if you want my opinion, a fucking terrible name; CBS really messed up by not consulting with me on this one. I would have definitely gone with “Let’s Twist Again”, personally. But hey, their loss.)

.

OK, OK, I kid. I’ve been playing a bit dumb (“pulling a Kat”, I call it). At this point, I actually do have a pretty decent understanding of how Survivor: BvsW will be structured, and not to make a bad pun or anything, but “twisted” would be a good way of describing it. And yes, I know, we’ve seen many a twist over the course of 26 Survivor seasons. Some were good, some were bad, and others were downright ugly. And by “others”, I mean “Redemption Island”.

And speaking of RI (Redemption Island), guess what? It’s back. But with a twist. Yeah, I know, a twist on a twist, how meta, right? Now, three people will be sent on RI, and they’ll have “truels” instead of duels, because less isn’t always more. And then if one person doesn’t want to take part in the truel because they think they’ll suck at it, they can swap places with their loved one and be sent to said loved one’s tribe. I bet Abi-Maria would have loved that twist.

.

But wait, there’s more twisty stuff! Wanna know the story behind that über-shitty “BvsW” name? A name which, ironically, no longer works all thanks to my personal favourite post-season trainwreck, RC St-Amour! Let me extrapolate. The idea behind the blood and water thing, was that the season was originally gonna pit a tribe of blood relatives against a tribe of couples. So the siblings, or parent-offspring pairs would make the Blood tribe, and the couples, the Water tribe. Only the blood got watered down when RC, who was gonna play with her dad in the Blood tribe, had to pull out because he had health problems.

And that, gave way to another twist, and if you happen to live under a rock, you’ll never in a million years guess what it is. You know who they’re replacing RC with? Candice!!! Bwahahaha! Isn’t it hilarious? What do you mean, Candice who? You don’t remember her? She’s the chick everyone remembers from having to Google her when the cast of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains was revealed, because no one remembered her from Cook Islands (I know this because I had to Google her myself).

Anyway, she’s back again, and the funny part of this is that she actually makes me wish RC was on. And the more I think about it, the less funny it becomes because I really don’t like RC. See how fucked up this is? Candice is just so damn boring that she makes me say almost nice things about someone I find extremely grating (even though I’ve mellowed out to RC. As in, I no longer actively dislike her. Just passively now.) But seriously, as irritating as RC may have been on (and especially after) her season, she was at least interesting. She did things. She said things. Watching her annoy the other players was kind of fun.

But because CBS hates it when Survivor fans have fun, they gave Candice a call, and because clearly, she doesn’t have a life, she said yes. And so did her husband, unfortunately. So yeah, eff you Candice for making me wish RC was back.

.

So with twelve Waters versus eight Bloods, what was was CBS to do? Besides calling me and subsequently renaming the season “Let’s Twist Again”, of course? Well, they added some more twists. Like Day Zero, for instance. I know, right? That’s a LOT of twists. Poor Kat’s head is going to explode on Day 0.2 you guys, I’m telling you. Anyway, on Day Zero, each pair will be sent to a different location and they’ll spend the night together there, but what with Survivor being a family show, we won’t get to see any sex, so the perverts among you better find something else to watch.

For the rest of us, there’s, guess what? That’s right, another twist. Actually, make that two. The first is, on Day One, all the pairs shall be summoned by the mighty Jeff Probst only to be divided into two tribes, but get this: thanks to RC, no longer by that blood vs water nonsense, but by returnees vs loved ones, which I personally find way more interesting. But there’s more! The Survivors won’t have much time to curse Jeff Probst under their breath for splitting them up from their mommy or hubby or whatever, because right off the bat, he’ll spring some more bad news on them: “Guys, before you head off to your respective camps, just a quick formality: both tribes need to vote somebody out right now. Since we’re beta testing for Apple this season, please use these brand new iPhones 5c² to cast your votes via text message against a totally random person from your tribe. The person from each tribe with the most votes will be sent to RI as soon as all the iPhones 5c² have been returned. Survivors ready?”

.

And I could go on. There are even more twists. Like the one where the RI truel winner gets to give a clue for a HII (Hidden Immunity Idol) to a person of their choice (and who’s still in the game, I’d assume, although with this season, you never know). Or the one where Candice is back. (Sorry you guys, I just can’t get over that one. Of all the women they could have brought back… they picked her. Why, CBS, WHY, you stupid, stupid, stupid television network…?)

.

Anyhoo. There’s no going back now. What’s done is done and whether I like it or not, Candice will be on my TV screen tonight. Nothing I can do about it, besides throwing shit at the TV, but since I won’t be watching from home and I’m not allowed to do that where I’m going, I guess I’ll just have to ask my host to provide me with lots of coffee so that I don’t doze off during Candice’s confessionals.

Of course, there’s also the option of not watching, but I could never do that; if it has the word “survivor” in its title, I’m watching. I have to. Even if it hurts, sometimes. Like, often. Well, most of the time, really, in recent seasons. RI was terrible. One World was about as exciting as a Candice confessional. The first half of Caramoan was so fucking awful, it should have never even aired. CBS should have lied and said that after he got “voted off”, Brandon Hantz went on a rampage and grabbed all the footage that had been shot up until then, set it on fire, and then peed on it. Given who we’re talking about, it’s an entirely plausible theory.

But I’m not here to talk trash about previous seasons. I’m here to talk trash about the one that is about to start. And that I’ve managed to develop a healthy level of excitement over, now that I’ve more or less untangled that big mess of twists.

.

However, and this is like, really important because it’s pretty much the entire point of this post, the show which is premiering in only a couple of hours now, isn’t Survivor. It may look like it, it doesn’t feel like it.

What can I tell you. I’m a purist. What made me fall in love with Survivor in the first place thirteen years ago, was its sheer simplicity; only two rules: no physical violence and no plotting to split the money shenanigans. That was it. No hidden idols, no returning players, no stunt casting, no bleeding Medallion of Power, and most of all, no Redemption fucking Island. God, I hate that twist. I hate it. It goes against the very essence of what Survivor is supposed to be about; well, at least a third of it; the “Outlasting” part. The way to outlast people in Survivor, is to kick other people out of the game, right? So what good does it do to kick someone out the door, knowing full well they may be coming back through the window at any old time, and if and when they do, they’ll be hating your guts?

None, that’s right.

.

So how, you ask, did I manage to muster some enthusiasm for this fraud of a Survivor season? By doing exactly that, seeing it for what it is: not Survivor. It’s a variant. A spin off of sorts. An experiment. And one which could potentially prove interesting. I like pitting the returnees against their loved ones. And since imma have to put up with RI once again, I find allowing the players to swap positions with their partner adds a little oumf to the whole enterprise, while keeping things mixed up at camp. Colour me surprised, but in this instance, I don’t hate it. However, it doesn’t mean I want to see it again in future seasons. Cos’ I really don’t.

As a self-proclaimed purist, I definitely favour relatively bullshit-free seasons such as Philippines, but I’ve come to accept the fact that that season wasn’t, as I had hoped, a new trend where Survivor goes back to more old-school ways, but a fluke. Shame, but hey. I love this show so damn much that I’ll take shit Survivor over no Survivor any day. Hell, I’ll even take not-Survivor over none.

And that is exactly what I’m gonna get. Not-Survivor. But still, I’ll be there tonight at 7.55, sitting on my friend’s sofa with my laptop on front of me, furiously tweeting a few last digs at the twists and the cast, and at the same time, anticipating like mad, because it’s what us, Survivor fans, do. We’re pathetic like that. But we’re OK with it, because many of us have been pathetic for such a long time that we no longer care. Who knew that after twenty-six seasons, I’d still be eagerly counting the minutes separating me from the premiere of a show which has little in common with what it used to be when it first hypnotized me thirteen years ago? Crazy, huh?

.

And yet… Here I am. And there you are. And in under ninety minutes, we will all be hitting what Jeff Probst no longer appears to call the “virtual living-room”, to take digs at a show we spend insane amounts of time complaining about, even though we’d scream bloody murder if it ever went off the air.

We bitch because we care.

.

On that, I’m off to run some errands. This is gonna be a long night of reality TV, and these snacks and beverages aren’t gonna buy themselves. So see you on Twitter in a bit, suckers!

To tell you the truth, I’ve been wanting to write about this new show for quite a while, but the problem was, I had to wait until my favourite reality TV podcaster, Rob Cesternino, of Survivor Amazon and All-Stars fame explained it to me first, since I couldn’t for the life of me manage to make sense of the massive pile of piles of twists which awaits us. And to be honest, I still can’t. But since there are some people out there who still believe Russell Hantz was robbed in Samoa, I think I have the authority to write about a show I understand virtually nothing about. I call this concept “50 shades of cluelessness”. (If you need a clever name for your book, blog, band, show, YouTube channel or whatever you may be working on, hit me up, I’m really on a roll today.)

So when Rob finally put up his bi-yearly season preview/cast assessment podcast online, I listened intently to it, in the hopes that Rob and his wife Nicole would help me see the light. Unfortunately, this mission remains for the most part unaccomplished, although it did have an unexpected side effect: I am now genuinely looking forward to (not)Survivor: BvsW (Blood vs Water, which is, if you want my opinion, a fucking terrible name; CBS really messed up by not consulting with me on this one. I would have definitely gone with “Let’s Twist Again”, personally. But hey, their loss.)

.

OK, OK, I kid. I’ve been playing a bit dumb (“pulling a Kat”, I call it). At this point, I actually do have a pretty decent understanding of how Survivor: BvsW will be structured, and not to make a bad pun or anything, but “twisted” would be a good way of describing it. And yes, I know, we’ve seen many a twist over the course of 26 Survivor seasons. Some were good, some were bad, and others were downright ugly. And by “others”, I mean “Redemption Island”.

And speaking of RI (Redemption Island), guess what? It’s back. But with a twist. Yeah, I know, a twist on a twist, how meta, right? Now, three people will be sent on RI, and they’ll have “truels” instead of duels, because less isn’t always more. And then if one person doesn’t want to take part in the truel because they think they’ll suck at it, they can swap places with their loved one and be sent to said loved one’s tribe. I bet Abi-Maria would have loved that twist.

.

But wait, there’s more twisty stuff! Wanna know the story behind that über-shitty “BvsW” name? A name which, ironically, no longer works all thanks to my personal favourite post-season trainwreck, RC St-Amour! Let me extrapolate. The idea behind the blood and water thing, was that the season was originally gonna pit a tribe of blood relatives against a tribe of couples. So the siblings, or parent-offspring pairs would make the Blood tribe, and the couples, the Water tribe. Only the blood got watered down when RC, who was gonna play with her dad in the Blood tribe, had to pull out because he had health problems.

And that, gave way to another twist, and if you happen to live under a rock, you’ll never in a million years guess what it is. You know who they’re replacing RC with? Candice!!! Bwahahaha! Isn’t it hilarious? What do you mean, Candice who? You don’t remember her? She’s the chick everyone remembers from having to Google her when the cast of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains was revealed, because no one remembered her from Cook Islands (I know this because I had to Google her myself).

Anyway, she’s back again, and the funny part of this is that she actually makes me wish RC was on. And the more I think about it, the less funny it becomes because I really don’t like RC. See how fucked up this is? Candice is just so damn boring that she makes me say almost nice things about someone I find extremely grating (even though I’ve mellowed out to RC. As in, I no longer actively dislike her. Just passively now.) But seriously, as irritating as RC may have been on (and especially after) her season, she was at least interesting. She did things. She said things. Watching her annoy the other players was kind of fun.

But because CBS hates it when Survivor fans have fun, they gave Candice a call, and because clearly, she doesn’t have a life, she said yes. And so did her husband, unfortunately. So yeah, eff you Candice for making me wish RC was back.

.

So with twelve Waters versus eight Bloods, what was was CBS to do? Besides calling me and subsequently renaming the season “Let’s Twist Again”, of course? Well, they added some more twists. Like Day Zero, for instance. I know, right? That’s a LOT of twists. Poor Kat’s head is going to explode on Day 0.2 you guys, I’m telling you. Anyway, on Day Zero, each pair will be sent to a different location and they’ll spend the night together there, but what with Survivor being a family show, we won’t get to see any sex, so the perverts among you better find something else to watch.

For the rest of us, there’s, guess what? That’s right, another twist. Actually, make that two. The first is, on Day One, all the pairs shall be summoned by the mighty Jeff Probst only to be divided into two tribes, but get this: thanks to RC, no longer by that blood vs water nonsense, but by returnees vs loved ones, which I personally find way more interesting. But there’s more! The Survivors won’t have much time to curse Jeff Probst under their breath for splitting them up from their mommy or hubby or whatever, because right off the bat, he’ll spring some more bad news on them: “Guys, before you head off to your respective camps, just a quick formality: both tribes need to vote somebody out right now. Since we’re beta testing for Apple this season, please use these brand new iPhones 5c² to cast your votes via text message against a totally random person from your tribe. The person from each tribe with the most votes will be sent to RI as soon as all the iPhones 5c² have been returned. Survivors ready?”

.

And I could go on. There are even more twists. Like the one where the RI truel winner gets to give a clue for a HII (Hidden Immunity Idol) to a person of their choice (and who’s still in the game, I’d assume, although with this season, you never know). Or the one where Candice is back. (Sorry you guys, I just can’t get over that one. Of all the women they could have brought back… they picked her. Why, CBS, WHY, you stupid, stupid, stupid television network…?)

.

Anyhoo. There’s no going back now. What’s done is done and whether I like it or not, Candice will be on my TV screen tonight. Nothing I can do about it, besides throwing shit at the TV, but since I won’t be watching from home and I’m not allowed to do that where I’m going, I guess I’ll just have to ask my host to provide me with lots of coffee so that I don’t doze off during Candice’s confessionals.

Of course, there’s also the option of not watching, but I could never do that; if it has the word “survivor” in its title, I’m watching. I have to. Even if it hurts, sometimes. Like, often. Well, most of the time, really, in recent seasons. RI was terrible. One World was about as exciting as a Candice confessional. The first half of Caramoan was so fucking awful, it should have never even aired. CBS should have lied and said that after he got “voted off”, Brandon Hantz went on a rampage and grabbed all the footage that had been shot up until then, set it on fire, and then peed on it. Given who we’re talking about, it’s an entirely plausible theory.

But I’m not here to talk trash about previous seasons. I’m here to talk trash about the one that is about to start. And that I’ve managed to develop a healthy level of excitement over, now that I’ve more or less untangled that big mess of twists.

.

However, and this is like, really important because it’s pretty much the entire point of this post, the show which is premiering in only a couple of hours now, isn’t Survivor. It may look like it, it doesn’t feel like it.

What can I tell you. I’m a purist. What made me fall in love with Survivor in the first place thirteen years ago, was its sheer simplicity; only two rules: no physical violence and no plotting to split the money shenanigans. That was it. No hidden idols, no returning players, no stunt casting, no bleeding Medallion of Power, and most of all, no Redemption fucking Island. God, I hate that twist. I hate it. It goes against the very essence of what Survivor is supposed to be about; well, at least a third of it; the “Outlasting” part. The way to outlast people in Survivor, is to kick other people out of the game, right? So what good does it do to kick someone out the door, knowing full well they may be coming back through the window at any old time, and if and when they do, they’ll be hating your guts?

None, that’s right.

.

So how, you ask, did I manage to muster some enthusiasm for this fraud of a Survivor season? By doing exactly that, seeing it for what it is: not Survivor. It’s a variant. A spin off of sorts. An experiment. And one which could potentially prove interesting. I like pitting the returnees against their loved ones. And since imma have to put up with RI once again, I find allowing the players to swap positions with their partner adds a little oumf to the whole enterprise, while keeping things mixed up at camp. Colour me surprised, but in this instance, I don’t hate it. However, it doesn’t mean I want to see it again in future seasons. Cos’ I really don’t.

As a self-proclaimed purist, I definitely favour relatively bullshit-free seasons such as Philippines, but I’ve come to accept the fact that that season wasn’t, as I had hoped, a new trend where Survivor goes back to more old-school ways, but a fluke. Shame, but hey. I love this show so damn much that I’ll take shit Survivor over no Survivor any day. Hell, I’ll even take not-Survivor over none.

And that is exactly what I’m gonna get. Not-Survivor. But still, I’ll be there tonight at 7.55, sitting on my friend’s sofa with my laptop on front of me, furiously tweeting a few last digs at the twists and the cast, and at the same time, anticipating like mad, because it’s what us, Survivor fans, do. We’re pathetic like that. But we’re OK with it, because many of us have been pathetic for such a long time that we no longer care. Who knew that after twenty-six seasons, I’d still be eagerly counting the minutes separating me from the premiere of a show which has little in common with what it used to be when it first hypnotized me thirteen years ago? Crazy, huh?

.

And yet… Here I am. And there you are. And in under ninety minutes, we will all be hitting what Jeff Probst no longer appears to call the “virtual living-room”, to take digs at a show we spend insane amounts of time complaining about, even though we’d scream bloody murder if it ever went off the air.

We bitch because we care.

.

On that, I’m off to run some errands. This is gonna be a long night of reality TV, and these snacks and beverages aren’t gonna buy themselves. See you in a bit on Twitter, suckers! 😉

.

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