Survivor 22: Redemption Island – episode 1 recap

Howdy bitches. Long time no blog. Twitter’s fault. I had no idea it would be so damn addictive when I signed up.

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Anyway, Survivor is upon us again in all its faded but still strangely seductive glory. And tonight, the granddaddy of reality television began its 22nd season, one which promises to be filled with even more manufactured drama and desperate gimmicks than its 20th, Heroes vs Villains.

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Halfway through Survivor: Nicaragua, which I immensely enjoyed, I found myself bitterly regretting not to have faced Twitter cold-turkey and gotten around to recapping it, but addiction being what it is, I didn’t. Twitter’s fault.

So, to make me feel better, I promised myself that I would recap the following season from beginning to end. Far from me the thought, when I made that foolish pledge, that Survivor would choose to bring back Rob and Russell after barely giving them enough time to gain back the weight they had lost in Heroes vs Villains. That’s one spoiler I wish I had stumbled into earlier.

So this is it, now I’m stuck recapping a season which promises to be gimmicky as hell. Fuck you Twitter.

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So here we go,

Survivor 22: Rob vs Russell Redemption Island

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Survivor Heroes vs Villains, episode 9 recap

Howdy, avid reader. Or not. Avid, I mean.

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So, didn’t you luuurve last week’s episode? Coach getting kicked out, Russell getting kicked in the ego… It was awesome! Let’s hope for some more of that: “Fuck what Russell says, I’m voting my way!” attitude. It might finally put an end to the oh-so-repetitive “I’m the king of Survivor” speech we’ve been hearing every week for the last season and a half.

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Survivor Heroes vs Villains – Episode 8 recap

Howdy to you, Survivor fans, gather around, I have good news!

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As we remember all too well, we lost Survivor darling Boston Rob at the end of last episode. Since my previous post about (among other things) that tragedy, I’ve gotten myself a prescription for Prozac and am doing much better, thank you very much.

The show has barely started that already, I want to throw something at the TV.

Note: I will not mention Mr. Hantz by name in any of my posts until: a) he gets voted out; b) the show’s editors stop submitting us to the following every. Single. Fucking. Week:

Because we didn’t get near enough of that self-congratulatory rhetoric from "him" during the last 20-ish episodes, let’s start this one with the now famous: "I am the best player this game has ever seen and I have all these stupid people wrapped around my smelly little toe and I call all the shots and mwahahaha" speech. I seriously cannot take it anymore.

What’s that? Oh, I see, they’ve decided to cram all the I-want-to-throw-something-at-the-TV moments at the beginning of the show… Interesting artistic direction, I suppose, if you can call this art…

Celebrity Survivor Apprentice: Oh, the pain…

Ah… People… Tis has been a rough week for yours truly… As if the huge blow I suffered last Thursday wasn’t enough, I had to be put through yet another painful loss on Sunday… Sigh… Sometimes, life is just not fair…

In the same week, I lost both Boston Rob and Blago. I’m so upset.

What do you mean, "Who the fuck is Boston Rob?" Shouldn’t you be asking: "Who the fuck is Blago?" instead?

Boston Rob, clueless reader, is reality TV royalty. He’s been on Survivor, then on Survivor, then on the Amazing Race, then on Fear Factor, then on the Amazing Race again (I think), and I’m sure on a lot of other shows I wouldn’t know about because I don’t have cable.