Dancing with the Stars, episode “the Tea Party crashes the ballroom”

If you had told me six months ago that I would one day find myself campaigning for a Palin, I would have had you wrapped in straight jacket faster than Mama Grizzly can say “Gotcha!”

Six months later, here I am, begging you all to pick up the phone and/or get online tonight and vote your asses off for Bristol Palin to become the eleventh winner of Dancing With The Stars, and the most glaringly undeserving person ever to snatch that tacky mirror ball trinket they dare call a trophy.

I beseech you, do it.

Do it for the lulz.

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Unless you live under a rock (not that there’s anything wrong with that) you must have a vague idea of what DWTS (Dancing With The Stars) is or at least be aware of its existence.

But I won’t take any chances; in case you DO live under a rock, I’ll give you a quick rundown of the premise of this bullcrap show which has the nerve to call itself a “dancing competition.”

Ever heard of a bullcrap show which has the nerve to call itself a “singing competition” named American Idol?

Well, it’s basically the same thing. DWTS is American Idol, with more movement, less clothing and no Simon Cowell – although it does have its own pompous British judge, only less evil and not quite as obscenely wealthy.

Both shows started off as mindless but harmless family entertainment, but all thanks to media attention and incomprehensibly high ratings, turned into bloated attention-whoring, controversy-seeking monsters.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Most popular shows end up victims of their own success – I believe the accurate jargon is “jump the shark” – but when you choose to let America have a say on what’s gonna happen on your bloated show, well, sometimes, you end up with one helluva spicy shark.

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Isn’t it fun to feel like your voice is heard? Like you have an influence on something?

If you answered “Yes” to that question, I bloody hope you get off your ass and vote on election day. Or dayS (I live in Quebec, we go to the polls every 3 weeks here. Or so it seems.)

But for the days when there’s no corrupt politician to elect into a position which will allow him or her or rip us off bigger and better, “competitive” reality TV’s there to fulfill our voting needs.

Idol and DWTS thought it’d be super-duper fun to let the viewing audience have a say in who stays and who goes on their travesty of a “competition”.

Not that they’re the only ones, mind you. So You Think You Can Dance and America’s Got Talent do it too. But it has yet to bite them in the ass. Unless it has and I wasn’t paying attention. But if it did bite them, there was no blood drawn. I would have known about it if there was. I’m on Twitter, dude. Us, the people of Twitter know about shit even BEFORE it happens. It’s that fast. Suck it, Facebook.

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You guys remember Sanjaya ? Kid from Idol who sucked balls, yet stuck around way longer than kids who could sing about a bazillion times better than him?

Well, THAT’s what happens when you let the viewing audience influence the elimination process, you greedy television networks executive assholes. Things like Sanjaya happens.

And why do they happen? Because that beloved viewing audience of yours, the one you thought it’d be so much fun to let participate, well, they VOTE. And sometimes, they vote for Sanjaya. A lot.

So when you, Idol, whine that Sanjaya has overstayed his welcome and shoulda been booted 3 weeks ago, you only have yourself to blame. If he was that bad, you shouldn’t have let him into the top 12 in the first place. And if you don’t like America voting for him, well fuck you. Letting people vote was your idea, remember? Don’t blame them if they ain’t got no taste, yo. Who do you think watches this show, musical experts? Professional musicians? Recording industry bigwigs?

Probably a few do. But for each Mariah Carey or Clive Davis who watches the show, you have hundreds of thousands of rabid soccer mums with a hard-on for David Cook while their teenage daughters drool over pictures of David Archuleta.

I’m sorry, season 7 of Idol is a big part of my life. I shall get back on topic now.

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Actually, I didn’t veer that much off-topic, since just about everything I wrote about Idol applies to DWTS.

But with a few nuances.

For instance, Idol didn’t really know what hit them when people started voting in droves for Sanjaya. I think they put him through to the top 12 because they wanted a cute kid with a decent voice who would make the wittle girls cweam theiw panties and vote their asses off for him. So they picked the one who had the best hair. Unfortunately for them, little did they know they would end up with this:

Madness ensued, Vote For The Worst blossomed into the most impressive trolling operation I’ve ever witnessed and Sanjaya strutted his way to the top 7, when he was unfortunately cut. Needless to say, the show got a lot more boring from then on.

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But whereas Idol had no idea Sanjaya would turn into a monster which would then turn against them, causing them to lose whatever credibility they had as a genuine singing competition, DWTS knew damn well that casting Bristol Palin = controversy.

I mean, have you met her mother??!

If you haven’t, look her up. Sarah Palin . She’s a blast. And also crazy. As well as armed and quite possibly dangerous. I think we should try to appease her by letting her daughter win a stupid dancing show.

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I’ll be honest, the reason why I chose to check out DWTS this season is Bristol Palin. (And the… ahem… Situation.)

However, the sole reason why I’m still watching it is Bristol Palin.

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I’ve never been a fan of DWTS. Not that the concept is bad, but it’s always irked me that they call it a “dancing competition”. That’s bollocks. So You Think You Can Dance , that’s a dancing competition.

DWTS is essentially a variety show with a dancing theme, featuring an assortment of has-beens and wannabes with the odd genuine star thrown in there to justify the show’s name.

If I’m wrong, I’d love another example of a dancing competition where a 76 years old actress like say, Florence Henderson, has to go up against a 50 years old actress who has appeared in a film called Dirty DANCING.

Speaking of Jennifer Grey, she looks terrific and she’s a great dancer. And that’s my problem with her: I consider her a dancer. It’s obvious. Same goes for Brandy. Look at them. Pointed toes and all. I’m an ex-ballerina, man, I can spot this stuff from miles away. These two chicks have tons of dancing experience. What chance does Flo Henderson, who’s old enough to be their mother, has against these two in a fucking DANCING competition, huh?

Seriously. Dancing competition, my ass.

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Back to Bristol, you’d think that DWTS would have figured out this simple equation:

Sarah Palin’s daughter

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Phones/internet

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America can vote

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America can vote

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Tea Party

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Things will get political somehow

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And they did.

Boy, did they.

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I bet that somewhere, Sanjaya is green with jealousy.

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I don’t know if like me, you spend too much time on the internet and frequent places like message boards, but if you don’t and are in need of a giggle, I suggest you do. People are going apeshit on there at the moment.

You have the delusionals who actually buy the “dancing competition” crap that DWTS throws at them, and who are all indignant about Bristol beating Brandy to the finals because Brandy’s “so much better”.

To those, well, newsflash: Brandy’s an experienced performer with an obvious solid dancing background. Bristol’s a teenage mum with a megalomaniac demented mother who stumbled into the international spotlight two years ago.

Still wondering why Brandy’s a better dancer?

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Then you have the rabid Tea Partiers who are only there to get the liberals all riled up and post shit like: “HAHA PALIN HATERS LIBERALS IT MUST HURT NOW LOL!!1”

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Then you have the liberals who don’t want to come across as complete haters while still dying to take a shot at a Palin. These take the passive-agressive approach and ask subversive question like: “Is Bristol the first contestant ever to GAIN weight on DWTS?”

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And you guys, I live for shit like that. Totally cracks me up. As I said, I spend too much time on the internet. A Bristol win would make the time I waste on there SOOOO much more entertaining than say, a Jennifer Grey win. Imagine the headlines: “Jennifer Grey, star of Dirty DANCING, wins DWTS!!!!”

Now, think of the Bristol headlines: “Unwed teenage mother and abstinence advocate daughter of Republican VP candidate, Sarah “drill baby drill” “I can see Russia from my house” “gotcha!” Palin wins DWTS. Did the Tea Party cheat the voting system? Is Sarah Palin using her daughter to advance her political agenda?”

Now tell me, which article would you rather read on Wednesday?

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Think about this: a Bristol win will definitely generate many a lulz-worthy conspiracy theory. Given the pretty grim headlines we’re constantly submitted to these days, I think we deserve a laugh or two.

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Furthermore, if a Palin is to win a title in America, wouldn’t you prefer it to be Bristol a stupid mirror ball, rather than her mother the presidency? Wouldn’t that be better for everyone?

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So that’s it, I’m done. I think I’ve pleaded this oh-so-very-worthy cause as well as I could. If this hasn’t convinced you of why you should vote for Baby Grizzly over the graceful but horrifically boring, previously dance-trained Jennifer Grey, you may be one of those well-intentioned but gullible folks who actually believe DWTS is a genuine dancing competition. In which case you’re a lost cause and I give up on you.

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So I’m throwing a last-minute desperate plea to the cynics out there and ask them to please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, pick up the phone, get online and vote for Bristol tonight. You’re allowed 5 votes per phone and 5 per email address. Make good use of them. Give this travesty of a dancing competition the winner it deserves: one that is as devoid of dancing talent as the show is devoid of credibility. They’re a match made in heaven.

Make your voice heard, America. And Canada too, of course, eh.

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Best of luck to you, Bristol. I hope you win this shitty trophy. If you don’t, I’m crossing my fingers that it goes to Kyle, who has been a delight all season and unlike Jennifer “yawn” Grey, didn’t have me dozing off everytime he appeared on my TV screen.

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I would also like to thank the Tea Party for fucking around with the voting system and bringing Bristol into the finals. I’ll go back to hating you lot with all my might on Wednesday, no matter the outcome. Until then, we’re allies, whether you like or not.

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On a final note, you don’t have to watch the show to vote. I’ll be spamming every social network known to man with the phone number and link to vote for our favourite abstinence activist.

You can vote by phone (toll-free number) during tonight’s live show; the lines open at 8pm (Eastern time) and will stay open for 30 minutes after the show ends. Get your phone votes in early as the lines will only be open for a couple of hours tonight.

Online voting opens at 8pm Eastern tonight; you have until tomorrow 11am Eastern to send in your votes (5 votes per email address).

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DWTS clearly wanted to create controversy when they cast Bristol Palin; they got what they wanted. But now that it’s blown up in their face, they’re whining because they’re stuck with her. Let’s make sure the joke’s on them: help me and the Tea Party make Bristol Palin the eleventh and least deserving ever winner of DWTS and VOTE!!!

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Thanks in advance, and go Bristol!

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PS: In the event that our girl does win, please do not shoot your television; it will likely get you arrested and will definitely make you the butt of all of DWTS’ viewers, no matter what contestant they’re rooting for.

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