Good evening, good people.
Ah, how nice it is to be able to watch the damn show live, for a change…!
But for once, let’s (me) cut the crap and get right into the topic: the biggest karaoke contest on the planet.
Tonight is going to be wonderful, I know it. Why? Because tonight, there will be twice less show to watch, yawn at, recap, yawn at more, and then publish two weeks late. Tonight, Idol is going to make some lame attempt at cramming 8 performances and the usual useless BS from our full-of-shit judges in one hour, and I predict they will miserably fail.
Although, I’m telling you guys, I’m really starting to develop a soft spot for Paula, in spite of… Actually, make that because of the fact that she’s perpetually heavily sedated.
Paula makes no sense most of the time, but it’s a big part of her charm. At least, what she says is pretty (I like it when she goes off on her monologues about colours), and funny, and unlike the other three broken records, you can always expect her to say some totally weird shit at some point during the show.
And obviously, the idea of our first one hour performance show of the season fills me with mad expectations of fuck-ups of epic proportions. Remember last season when Paula judged a ghost song? The song Jason Castro hadn’t sung yet? That happened during a one hour show… And wasn’t it like, TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME? One of these brilliant, SUPER-awkward moments of television…! Man… I LOVE shit like that…
*Note to self*: Lay off the caps lock key a bit. People don’t dig when you shout all the time. You already don’t post pictures, so don’t go chase your readers away with posts in all-caps. Thanks. Go on. *End of note to self*
Huh? Who the fuck was that? Who is “Self”? I have an imaginary personal blogging advisor now? Oh well. The web is full of folks with multiple personalities, so what’s one more…!
But yeah, if you haven’t seen it, you absolutely need to YouTube “Paula Jason Castro awkward”. Only on live TV do you get fantastic moments like that. This one is way up there in my favourites, along with the View’s Nuclear Wednesday.
So tonight, for the first time this season, I can genuinely hope for a disaster to happen. One hour performance shows are usually rushed and hectic, which often makes them much funnier and way more entertaining than the normal neverending ones. I remember I had a blast recapping the “Ghost song” episode last season. It was a good recap too, you should check it out … 😀
Oh, for Christ’s sake…! No wonder my recaps are neverending…! I just can’t shut the fuck up, can I?! 500 words in, and I haven’t even started yet… OK, now…!
The show starts. At 8 pm. As usual. Ryan and the Idols are on the steps. Like, one on each step, all behind one another. Because it looks cool. And Ryan’s at the front so that we can all see him. And also because he’s the host.
(So, how’s that for recapping, not bad, eh? 😉 )
Then bam! One minute in, and the credits come on. This… Is… AmmmericanIdol! Waaaa-waa!
This week, the theme is: “Songs from the year each contestant was born.” For me, it means: “Songs that are gonna make me feel old”. Fuck you very much, Idol.
For added bonus, we’ll get to look at baby pictures. Yawn.
Oh, wait, we get to look at baby pictures right away! The judges’. Great. Oh, speaking of these boneheads, this is another reason why I ❤ one hour performance shows: it forces them to cut down on the utterly superfluous crap, like the judges walking out on stage for instance. Tonight, they are already sitting at their desk at the beginning of the show.
But of course, we must still say hello. And look at their baby pictures too. Please let me take back what I just said about tonight’s show cutting down on superfluous crap.
Randy was a cute baby, who unfortunately developed in a beefy and bovine kind of adult. It’s a shame, but it happens.
Kara used to be an annoying little brat, and turned into an annoying big brat. Nothing new here.
The second Kara’s picture appears on the screen, Simon bursts out laughing. Kara throws the content of her Coke glass at him. He slaps her on top of her head, and ensues some pointless banter, the details of which I will spare both you and myself. Let’s be kind to one another.
Paula was a cute little girl who, when in her teens, fell into a large basin of lysergic acid diethylamide, aka LSD; that turned her into a cute, but very trippy woman. And tripping too.
From the expression he bears on his picture, I’ll venture a wild guess, and say that Simon’s favourite snack are, and always were unripe lemons. He looks pouty and pissed. The resemblance between the sour little boy on the picture and the sour little man behind the desk is absolutely striking. You barely notice the 40-odd years age difference.
Ah, shit. The laundry. I forgot. Be right back.
I’m back. Thank God I remembered that. I was totally out of underwear. Hopefully, they’ll be dry by tomorrow. Otherwise I’ll have to either go out a with wet ass, or commando. And neither is appealing. But that’s enough about my underwear. Where was I?
Oh, yeah, Ryan jokes that Simon’s picture had to be colourized. Because he’s that old, y’ know…? Ha, ha, fucking ha, Ryan.
Because karma’s a bitch, we all get to have a laugh at Ryan’s expense, when they show his kiddie picture. Based on his bunny teeth, I think it’s safe to assume Ryan had to wear braces for an amount of years… I know what it’s like, bro…! I had them too… Top and bottom…!
But let’s talk business. It’s 8.03 as the top 8 enters the stage. Lil, dressed as a dominatrix, is holding Scott by the hand so that he doesn’t accidentally bump Ryan off the stage.
Ryan asks: “OK, who’s the oldest here?”
Danny raises his hand.
Ryan mutters to himself: “Of course! What was I thinking!? He’s a widower… Chances he’ll be the oldest are, like, pretty big. You stupid, Seacrest, stupid!”
Ryan has a little crisis; but if you’ve read my recap of last season’s “Ghost song” show, the one I mentioned above, you’ll already know he tends to get tremendously stressed out by one hour performance shows.
After he’s dried his tears and blown his nose, he embarrassedly apologizes, clears his throat, apologizes again, then calls Danny centre stage, and waves the other contestants to go away somewhere. They roll Danny’s intro clip.
It’s really boring, and Danny annoys me anyway. So I put my fingers in my ears and go “LALALALALA” very loud for a while.
I’m just shitting you, I didn’t really do that. I just wasn’t really listening to what he was saying. So I don’t know what year he was born, nor what song he’s gonna sing, and I don’t care. Surprise me, motherfucker.
Oh, just for another update about myself (and yes, I do know that that’s what Twitter is for, but it’s my blog, so fuck you): I’m in a foul mood tonight. Does it show? It’s one of these days when I hate everything. And everyone. Including American Idol contestants. Especially American Idol contestants. Poor guys.
And poor Danny. I already don’t like the guy, so what’s it gonna be like…!
He’s singing “Stand by me”. It’s a good song. But Danny has a way to make even good songs sound boring.
Actually, that’s bullshit, I’m just being mean here. Danny has done some pretty good performances. It’s just… him. It’s like an allergy, I just can’t do anything about it.
Paula is grooving, but then again, she’s always grooving. In fact, let’s make a deal right here: from now on, I will only tell you when Paula is not grooving. That’ll save me a fair bit of typing.
As for Danny, all I can say is nothing. The guy, the song, the performance, nothing does nothing for me for you. At all. It started off boring, then became a bit less boring, then at the end it was pretty good, but still fucking boring.
So in the end, I’d say it was pretty boring. Oh, and have I mentioned that I don’t like Danny? I noticed he very naturally emerged as my designated scapegoat this season… Damn, I SO wanted it to be Kris… But really, I’d totally kill to have Ramiele back. She was awesome. Awesomely bad. Loved her. Loved her so much, I even wrote her a letter once…
*Note to self* Enough with the pimping of your old posts. Remember the quota: one self-plug per recap. Thanks. Go on. *End of note to self*.
Rebel Without A Clue: You again? I already have Ryan interfering with my recaps, can’t a blogger get some peace around here?
Ryan: Who called me? Hi Rebel. What do you want?
RWAC: Oh. great. Hi. Oh, hey, do you know who *Note to self* is?
Ryan: Well, I have a block of post-its on my fridge that say “Notes to self”, but I didn’t know it was a person too. Why do you ask?
RWAC: It’s the second time they show up in my recap, both times with bizarro, although sensible advice. And I don’t think they’re part of the Idol staff. But could you ask? Maybe someone backstage knows someone called *Note to self*? You don’t mind?
Ryan: Not at all, but I really got to go. It’s a one hour performance show, and you know how I…
RWAC. Yes, I do, and I already told the readers too. It’s OK, go back to work. See you later.
Ryan: Later, Rebel. I feel OK tonight though. I don’t have this feeling of impending doom, like I had at the beginning of that “other” show… Oh, Danny’s done, too-da-loo!
Oh, nice, the judges haven’t fallen asleep and are already critiquing away:
Randy: I didn’t love arrangements. Didn’t even like ’em. But you’re an amazing singer, you got talent.
Kara: I dug not the arrangements either, but since today, my definition of “artistry” is: ”making it your own”, then in my book, you are artistric.
Paula: Whoa! You set the bar so high, we might as well end the show right here. Very amazing…!
Ryan: I agree. Not about the amazing part, but about stopping the show early. Rebel and I haven’t smoked a joint together since Jason Castro got kicked out last season, and I know she’s watching the show live tonight. I wouldn’t mind hanging with her for a bit. Plus we all already know that Adam’s gonna win anyway. So why bother with the show? We’ll just air a one hour special, during which I’ll repeat the word “iTunes” constantly for the first segment, and the rest will be Ford commercials. Then we all come back for the finale. We’ll pick a name out of a hat to go up against Adam, that’s all. I still get paid, you dumbass judges still get paid, these guys still get to go on tour, it’s perfect!
RWAC: Oh, no, Ryan… You haven’t done speed again, have you?
Ryan: Yeah, I did. It just kicked in. It’s these one hour shows, you know…? They really str…
Simon: Danny? Nevermind Ryan, look at me. Paula is full of shit. As for your song, the beginning was good, the middle was lazy, the end was terrific, and overall, it was great.
Gee, 8.08, and one performance out of the way already! This show actually is moving along quite nicely… Too bad it looks like it’s gonna suck…
After the break, we’ll hear Kris and Lil, who for now are grinning at the camera, each standing next to their baby pictures.
I hate baby pictures.
According to Ryan, who has just dropped a Valium in an attempt to appease the effect of the speed, Kris is coming out of his shell more and more with every passing week.
Kris explains that his favourite days on the competition are the days off, but that what sucks, it that so far, they’ve only had one. But it was really cool.
During his day off, Kris went to the beach, and I don’t what kind of beaches it is that they have in LA, but the one he went to had a Ferris Wheel. Way cooler than ours, which only have a pool of water.
Unfortunately, Idol doesn’t have the good taste of showing us Kris splashing around in the water with his shirt off. Instead, we have him tell a story about some dude who saw him at the Ferris Wheel, and asked him if he didn’t mind saying hi to Adam for him.
It’s not as good as showing us some image of a hot guy with his shirt off, but it’s a cute story nonetheless.
Oh, I haven’t told you, have I…? I have a confession to make…
I’m starting to find Kris kinda hot. But shhh… Don’t tell anyone…
It’s because of this bloody Top Idol chick… She went and posted this picture on her blog…
See the eyeliner on Kris? I like it. I find it kinda hot. And you know what’s funny? That right after I find out Kris is sharing a room with Adam, these pictures surface. Pictures of Kris getting his freak on. It makes it look like Queen Adam is having a positive influence on our shy little caterpillar. I’m getting mad hopes to see Kris coming out in full drag one night, to sing us some glittery rendition of “It’s raining men”, complete with purple boa and thigh-high black leather boots. Yeah…
For the record, I’m a straight female. Or so I think.
But before closing once and for all this in-depth analysis of why I’m unable to hate Kris, and why the more, I try, the more I fail, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that, well, he’s a pretty likable dude, he can sing, he can play the guitar, he’s cute, and he has a pleasant personality. Good luck with finding something to hate in there.
As for the eye-liner picture, that was just the cherry on the cake; I am rather baffled by this, but I find discovering whom I thought was the most boringest guy in Idol history actually having a wild side, to be somewhat of a turn-on. Embarrassing, I know. Thank God for the anonymity of the internet.
And for the record, Top Idol has a boat load of other pictures of Kris being annoyingly cute and fun.
But back to the show, Kris is explaining to us that unlike Adam, he hasn’t wanted to be a drag-queen all his life. In fact, when he was a kid, he wanted to be a cab driver, bec…
Oh, for Christ’s… Who the fuck is “Lewis”? Some asshole called “Lewis” is calling me right in the middle on this fascinating clip. Why can’t I watch this fucking show in peace?
Ryan: Rebel, stop whining. You spend your entire recaps bitching about this show and complaining about how much it sucks. You should be grateful to have your viewing interrupted.
RWAC: You are strangely calm and composed all of a sudden… What gives?
Ryan: I feel great. During the last commercial break, Paula and I went backstage. She brought her chemistry set with her today. She keeps it under her skirt, with her crayons and colouring books.
She made me a relaxing cocktail of Valium and other pills she had in her purse, and I must say, it hit right home. I feel totally mellow, and yet, wide awake and super-aware of my surroundings. I love it. That was just the perfect dosage of the perfect ingredients.
RWAC: Well, good for you. But for now, shove your lectures up your ass, and let me hate the show in peace. Off you go. I’d like this recap to go up before the end of the season, and it ain’t gonna happen if I get constantly disturbed.
Ryan: Fine. You’re a buzz kill. Ladies and gentlemen, here are Kris and his guitar.
Kris and his guitar start off in the middle of the crowd, or, as I used to call it last season, the “peppit”. Then continue in the middle of the peppit. Then end in the middle of the peppit. Or I think they did, because halfway through, I kinda stopped watching. It wasn’t a very exciting performance; Kris isn’t wearing any make-up and he’s fully clothed. Nothing of interest for me in that, sorry Kris.
Kara is more enthusiastic than me. She loved that he picked an up-tempo song, even if it happened to be “All She Wants to Do Is Dance”, which is probably the shittiest up-tempo song that came out in 198… that year. Whatever year it was.
However, up-tempo or not, Kara thought that Kris’ performance felt to her like “jazz-funk homework”, and that he lost his youth. To which the audience boos. Startled, Kara quickly adds that in spite of this, she’s still a fan. The audience shuts up.
Paula: You took what is melodically a one note song, and you turned it into a two notes song. Well done.
Simon: It was indulgent, boring and forgettable. You came out as a singing guitarist, when what we wanted from you, was for you to come out as a guitaring singer. You got it all wrong.
Simon then goes on to talk about himself, until Randy interrupts him to say he agrees with him.
Randy: I agree with Simon. I found myself listening more to the band and the arrangements, and I kinda lost you. I lost Kris. See?
Ryan: Simon, your critique was indulgent and predictable.
Simon: Why are you attacking me? What have I done to you?
Ryan: It’s on the teleprompter, buddy.
Simon: Indeed. Only on the teleprompter, that line is addressed to Kara.
Ryan: Is it?.. Oh, yeah, look at that!… Ooops! Soooorrrryyyy!
Lil is up next. Tonight, we get to find out what Lil’s name is.
And it is…. Drumroll…….
Not Lillian, not Lily, not Lil’ Kim, not Lil’ Wayne, not Lilliput, not Lillehammer. Just Lil.
Her mum tells us the story, and it went a “lil” like this (I won’t do the accent because it would be too hard to read. Or write.):
“When I was pregnant with Lil, she already had a big butt, and it weighed a ton. It made me very tired. So tired, that I couldn’t think of a name for her. So I went with the obvious: my mother’s name, Lily.
Unfortunately, over at City Hall, the clerk who filled in Lily’s birth certificate was a drunk whose pen ran out of ink just before he got to the “Y” part of her name. It was a Friday evening, and the drunk just couldn’t wait to go join the office party just down the road, so he left it as Lil, thinking he would fix it on Monday.
Unfortunately for him and lil’ Lily, later on that night, he called his boss an asshole and told him he’d slept with his wife (which turned out to be true). The drunk got fired, and just like that, Lily became Lil.”
Or at least, that’s what I understood. But with the accent the Rounds have, I may have gotten some bits wrong. Not that it really matters.
Lil really needs to stick with that Cleopatra hair she’s got going at the moment; it’s nice, and it makes her look much a lot younger.
Ryan: Why are you dressed like a hooker whose clothes look like they’ve been designed by the Hell’s Angels?
Lil: There are no angels in Hell, Ryan. They’re all in heaven.
Ryan: OK. Nevermind. America, Lil Rounds, with “What’s love got to do with it”!
Finally a decent song. Too bad this isn’t “American songwriting Idol”.
I think I’ve made it clear that I do not like Lil. At all. However, although I do find her about as interesting as the blender that’s been sitting at the back of my cupboard for the last 4 years, I will admit that she can sing.
However, I’m really starting to wonder if tonight, these kids aren’t into some kind of conspiracy which ultimate goal is to piss off Rebel Without A Clue; it’s a shame if they aren’t, ‘cos they’re succeeding. Lil is butchering this song in a major way, and it infuriates me.
And not only is she butchering a great song by the great Tina Turner, she also has the nerve to try and mimic Tina’s little strut and dance moves.
And by the way, just a little bit of trivia about yours truly, Tina Turner was my first concert. I was about 18, and I hitched all th…
*Note to self* Stop constantly talking about yours…
RWAC: YOU… FUCK. OFF. OKAY? ENOUGH ALREADY. GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. NOW!
*Note to self* I… Ahem… Sorry… Go on… *End of note to self* (To self: “Oooh… Aggressive much?”)
Arrgh. Stupid *Note to self* ruined my story. Where was I? Ah, yeah, Lil stinks. More than usual. And I’m not even being bitchy here; I sincerely find her vocals suck tonight. I’ve heard better interpretations of this song in bars. Other than that one note during the bridge, this performance was shit.
Paula: You look very very hot tonight… At this point, it would be important for you to… think outside… the… box. You are a brilliant vocalist… And… you… I…
RWAC: Lil, Paula thinks you suck. As in S.U.C.K. Suck. She just couldn’t find it in herself to tell you. You can thank me later.
Simon: That was a lame attempt at a 22nd rate Tina Turner. Even the steps were horrible. Tina would kill you on Dancing With The Stars. And she’s 5 times your age. We have kind of lost you. You’re not having the impact you should be having in this competition, which really is a shame, because had we known you were gonna flake on us like this, we would have gone with one of the other two black people we considered. That was nothing but a cheap karaoke version of the song. And you look like a hooker. One whom PETA would HATE.
Randy: I dig the hot biker slut vibe, Dawg… And you got mad, mad talent, but what Simon said was really real; Tina is not you, and you are not Tina. It’s not clicking, dude… It’s like you’re not listening to our advice…
Simon: I concur. It is like you’re not listening to our advise, Lil. Or Lily, whatever your name is.
Kara: Yeah, that, and also, you need to make the leap from singer to artist, and from singing to actual artistry, you know? Your lower range has no power, and everyone in the business knows that artistry’s all about power in the lower range.
Lil: What are they sayin’?
Ryan: Who cares! Is it true? U don’t listen to their advice?
Lil: Well, ah would, but it’s keinda haawrd whin ah dun understeeend wha they’re sawyin’, ya know?
Lil: I was sayin’, ah’m an artist, and ah got artsistery, or whativer thet was.
Ryan: I… Oh, nevermind. We’ll be right back.
When we come back, Anoop Dog is talking sports with Ryan. I don’t speak sports myself, so this is only an approximation, but I think what Anoop said was something along the lines of “Go Habs go!”, only with another team’s name.
Oh, what is this? Ryan’s grilling him for something? What? What did Anoop do?
Hmm… From what I understand, seems like Anoop Dog gave a bit of attitude to the judges last week… Interesting… I don’t particularly like Anoop, but I do love attitude… Damn. Looks like I’m gonna have to listen to last week’s performance show now…
Anoop confirms my fears by apologizing to the judges, for saying something he “wishes he could take back.” But of course, we never get to find out exactly what it is he said. Bastards…!
Anoop was an only child, and possibly still is, since no little brothers or sisters are shown during his intro clip, during which we also find out that he doesn’t like getting his picture taken, and that he blames his parents for it.
He’s going to sing “True colours, which is a great song.
But he’s singing it the Anoop way, which is boring, and nasal, and totally uninteresting. Just like the rest of Anoop, really… I mean, haven’t you noticed how few tasteless jokes I’ve made about Anoop so far? Almost none…! And I don’t believe I’ve come up with one single untrue story about him either… The dude gives nothing to work with.
And that’s not good… That means you’re really boring… Even more boring than Lil… I mean, THAT’s boring! Mind, you, she does have the weekly bad outfit thing going for her. Maybe Anoop should start dressing up stupid every week too, that would get my attention…
I’m sorry, I just thought I’d take advantage of Anoop’s performance to send a quick email…
“Dear Cindi Lauper,
I really feel for you right now.
Please don’t be mad at Idol. They’re only doing it for the money. The economy is, after all, bad.
I still love your song though! 🙂
Rebel Without A Clue”
Oh, Megan, I so miss you…!
Randy: Hey, dude, congrats for your team. Glad they won! What was the final score?
Anoop: I don’t know, I don’t give a shit about sports. I just happen to follow CNN on Twitter, and I read that we had won something. I thought I’d look cool if I said: “Go team!” on TV. Anyway, got anything good to say about my performance, Dawg, before I run my mouth again?
Randy: Ermmm… yeah, dude, you can actually sing, nice control…
Anoop: That’s all?
Randy: Ermmmm… Yeah.
Kara: Randy doesn’t like going first, because he never knows what his opinion is until at least one other judge has spoken. Plus, he’s unable to pronounce the word “artistry”; everytime he tries, “pitchy” comes out.
Anyway, Anoop, tonight, you controlled the song instead of the song controlling you. And you were not trying to be something that you’re not.
Paula: Your song choice was flawless. You were, and still are, shining through the many colours of the rainbow, and it’s really beautiful.
Simon: You are a singing yoyo. Last week, you were abysmal, and tonight, you were simply not fantastic. However, I’m not going to give you a hard time, because you flattered my ego with your apology, and there’s nothing in the world that I love more than having my ego stroked.
Anoop: Even your penis?
Simon: Even my penis. And by the way, you didn’t have to apologize. Although I did appreciate it. But you all should know that you do have the option of being a complete snot and talk back to us as much as you want. We had one of our assistant producers recommend that to Megan last week…
Ryan: Ohhhh… That is why…
Simon: Shut up, Ryan.
Scott was born on June 22nd, 1985; when he was little, he wanted to be a train engineer… H… Wait. A tr…
Ahem. I don’t mean to be mean, or a bitch, or anything, but didn’t Scott say some time ago that he has been blind pretty much all his life? Isn’t a blind train engineer like, a recipe for disaster?
Listen, it’s not because Scott is blind that I’m not gonna make bad jokes about him. He is, after all, an American Idol contestant, and I don’t discriminate.
Scott doesn’t give a shit about my bitching anyway; he’s now gone on to talking about Halloween, and how much he loves it, or something. Then, he does an evil laugh.
Tonight, Scott has ditched the piano. Didn’t the judges give him shit for hiding behind the piano a while ago? Well, if they did, it looks like unlike Lil, Scott is listening to the judges; instead of the piano, tonight, he’ll be hiding behind a guitar.
Which, as far as I’m concerned, isn’t an improvement. I’m sorry, but these kids really stink tonight. Either that, or I’m in an even bitchier mood than what I thought.
Anyway, as much as I’d love to like Scott for reasons other than he seems like one hell of a nice guy, I must confess I spent most of his performance Twittering how much Idol sucks. Because I may have fallen asleep otherwise. This was really not good.
Kara: I commend you for coming out with the guitar tonight, but on second thoughts, I suggest you go back to doing what we suggested you stop doing a couple of weeks ago. I now realize our advice was bullshit; you really are more of a singer-songwriter-pianist after all.
Paula: I give you credit for stepping away from both your comfort zone and the piano; walking around without having any bearings must be hard in your condition. And I didn’t know you could play the guitar, you secretive little lemming, you! Although I must say, I thought attempting to play the electric guitar was a bit over-ambitious… I would have stuck with the acoustic guitar, had I been you.
Scott: It’s my punk side coming out, Paula. Had I been born 8 years earlier, I would have picked “Pretty Vacant” and I would have dedicated it you.
Paula: Hahaha! Was that supposed to be a joke? If it was, you have a great sense of humour! Much greater than your notes which were a bit screechy.
Simon: You need to go back behind the piano next week, Scott. It really is where you belong. That song was horrible.
Scott: It wasn’t that bad.
Simon: Yes it was. You tried to be somebody you’re not. Which is perfectly fine, given that it’s essentially what we ask you people to do week after week; but there are people you shouldn’t try to be, and tonight, you tried to be one of them, and it did not work.
Randy: For me, it was all okay. The song, the arrangements, you… You were okay… But you weren’t a star tonight.
Scott: Stars are crap. I mean, look at you guys! And I can’t even see! I just wanted to show how versatile I am.
Simon: Why in heaven would you want to be versatile? Look at U2, they’ve released the same album 19 times, and no one saw squat. They just change the title and the name of the songs, and Bob’s your uncle!
Scott: U2 suck. And I personally find Bono to be an obnox…
RWAC: Dammit! Ryan, what happened? Why didn’t you read Scott’s number? And why did you cut him off in the middle of a sentence?
Ryan: He was found guilty of Bono-bashing. It’s a criminal offense on Idol; one that is punished by completely sabotaging the perpetrator’s chances to come back next week.
RWAC: And how do you do that?
Ryan: If the crime is committed before the taping, we just don’t give the contestant a phone number at all, and the next day, we just say: “Ooops, we forgot! Sorry, Scott, our mistake!” If it happens during the taping, we do give out the phone number, but backwards. Although there have been complaints about this method: a lady in France threatened to launch an investigation to find out what the deal was with the large number of calls she was receiving on certain Tuesdays, between 4 and 6 AM.
But anyway Rebel, I gotta fly; I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re running late.
RWAC: You?! No way!
Ryan: Sit and spin, Rebel. Catch ya later.
Ryan: And we’re back, just in time to check with our only 90’s baby, Allison.
90% of Allison’s intro clip features her mother talking about what a fucking motormouth her daughter used to be, and how, when Allison was a kid, she took her to the doctor to get her mouth sawn shut. She then says that the doctor told her talking too much was a familiar syndrome among future singers, and that right after that, he put his hand over Allison’s mouth, dragged her in another room, and slammed the door.
From there, Allison takes over the story. She explains, smiling to the camera, that the doctor told her that mouth-stapling wasn’t, quite surprisingly, illegal, and that she better start singing ASAP, do it well, and learn to like it, if she didn’t want to be muzzled until age 18, which is when the child can choose to get the staples removed, if he or she so wishes.
With a wink, Allison adds that that was the moment she decided she would become a rocker, because she just knew it would piss her mother off, that mean bitter old bat.
OK, here’s the confirmation: there is a conspiracy going on tonight; even my girl Allison is boring me, what the hell? Seriously you guys, this show is bleeding horrendous… I’m going back on Twitter, see you in a few…
Paula: What I love about you, is that I hear one note from you, and I know it’s Allison. I love that you found some tenderness in this otherwise harsh song. You used the original arrangements, but still made it your own.
Simon: I thought that was really good, but I’m starting to realize that we need to sort you out a bit, and make you more likeable. I mean, if your own mother can’t stand you, your chances to get the rest of America to like you are pretty slim…
Randy: Yo, Dawg, listen: the girl who won the first season of Idol also talked too much… And look where that got her: back on here, after all these years! But at least, she managed to survive without ever taking one of these pathetic “American Idol special correspondent” gigs, like most Idol rejects had to do, in order to remain in the spotlight. You can sing your face off, dude!
Kara: I think it’s amazing that you can sing songs with adult context like this, and still fool people into thinking that Disney should sign you… It boggles the mind…
Ryan: Rebel? We’re SO not gonna make it on time… Paula’s magical cocktail has one problem: the buzz only lasts for about 11 minutes… I’m starting to stress out…
RWAC: Not now Ryan, I’m busy. You’ve considerably sped up the word-per-minute debit, and now I have to catch up with my notes during the commercial break.
Ryan: Why don’t you just do that during the performances?
RWAC: Ryan! Quick! The show! It’s starting again!
Ryan: Ah, fuck…! I… OH. Did the mike… It did?… Catch… that… OK… I am… very, VERY sorry about this, America… I…
Matt: Ryan, shut the fuck up and introduce my motherfucking clip please, you asshole.
Ryan: Fuck you. Do it yourself, dickhead.
Matt: Alright, cocksucker. I was born on May 11th 1985, and once, I was in a play, and I had 72 lines, and it was awesome. That made me realize…
Ryan: OK, that’s enough. We’re running horribly late, so you’re gonna have to make a choice: we either roll the end of your intro clip, or you sing your song. Hurry up.
Matt: OK, roll the rest of my intro clip then. Scott reaaaaally sucked tonight. So I’m pretty confident that if I don’t sing, he’ll go home.
Ryan: Wow. I am impressed. You are one quick-thinking sly little sonofabitch… Personally, I’d let you get away with not singing just based on that… Well, and the fact that I don’t think you’re that good… But unfortunately, right now, in my earpiece, I have Simon Fuller, and he’s pretty adamant that you MUST sing. So, GO! Quick!
Matt sings Part-time lover.
RWAC: Sucks balls. This whole show sucks balls.
Randy: Yo, yo, yo, yo! Vocally, best of the night!
Paula: You see how I’m standing up right now?
Matt: Yes, I do, but aren’t you like, always standing up?
Paula: I… Point taken. Just.. wait…
Paula grabs a black Crayola from under a skirt, writes something down on a blank sheet of paper, which she the holds up above her head. It says: “Standing O!” Matt smiles.
Simon: It was much better than last week, well, done.
Oh, fuck, it’s 21.01 pm… And Adam hasn’t performed yet… I love how this show just doesn’t give a crap about the other shows following it… Seriously, what the fuck are they on, thinking that they’ll be able to cram 8 singers and about 80 product placements within an hour?
And, speaking of product placement, Ryan is speed-talking his way through the now traditional iTunes pimpage.
Then Adam’s “When I was a little boy” clip comes on.
When he was a little boy, Adam had a wide range of interests, from books to music to strutting up and down the corridor in his mother’s stilettos. “He was into everything but sports”, muses his dad. “I remember having to force him into the school’s football team; I thought a few kicks in the nuts would make him man up a bit. At the start, I literally had to drag him to practice, but after a few weeks, he got really enthusiastic about going to play. A little too enthusiastic, in fact. Suspicious about his change of heart, I once showed up unexpectedly at practice one afternoon.
And he was there. Having a blast. In the cheerleading squad. That’s the day I realized I would have to come to terms with the fact that my son was a flaming queen in the making. However, I couldn’t stand the idea of having a male cheerleader as my offspring. Sorry, but that is just too gay. So I made a deal with him: if he quit the cheerleading squad, I’d pay for acting lessons. And that’s how he got into theatre.”
Adam adds that one of his favourite hobbies was to play dress up, something which I would never had guessed from all those pictures of him in drag floating on the interwebs.
The camera then pans towards the judges’ desk, where Ryan and Randy appear to be arguing under their breath.
Ryan: You can’t just leave like this. Sit the fuck down.
Randy: I’m paid until 9 pm, I’m working until 9 pm. And 9 pm has arrived. So I’m leaving.
Ryan: We’re all in the same boat, Dawg. I too got my Tuesday night pay slashed by half since we went from two hours performance shows, to one hour ones. And I don’t get overtime pay either. So suck it up, sit down, and stop acting like a big prissy bab…
Ryan suddenly notices the camera is on them; he stops mid-sentence, elbows Randy in the ribs and nods towards the monitor. For a brief second, they remain frozen, a deer-in-the-headlights look on their faces; then Randy swiftly sits down. Ryan relaxes, and announces: “Ladies and gentlemen… Adam Lambert!”
Sounds like we’re gonna be treated to yet another ballad… Hey, wait, I know this song… I think I actually like this song… What the hell is this song again? And who sings it? Other than Adam, I mean?
And speaking of him, he’s doing a pretty decent job with the song, but somehow, I don’t really feel it… I’m certainly not blown out of my socks, that’s for sure… I don’t know what is going on tonight… Either they all sucked, or I’m just in super-bitch mode. Or both. Needless to say, I did not enjoy the show at all tonight. Not that I normally enjoy it anyway, but Idol can sometimes be a good shitty show; tonight, it was a shit shitty show.
That said, I still like Adam. In part because, gay or not, he is by far the most fuckable male on the program. Although Kris is also very fuckable, but I don’t know why, he just looks like he’d be boring in bed… Is it just me? If anyone out here has slept with Kris and knows better, please leave a comment. I’d be curious to know whether or not my assessment of him being a dull lover is accurate.
And regardless whether Kris is a snooze or a freak in bed, I still find Adam hotter. And he looks like he’d be a freak and a half in the sack…
There’s a knock coming from the inside of the monitor. Ryan.
Ryan: Rebel, will you focus on the damn show? I don’t know if you realize it, but you are thinking out loud, and we can hear you out here. Poor Kris is horribly embarrassed. Especially when his wife, who is sitting in the audience heard you say “dull lover”, she got up and shouted “Amen, sister!” We tried to get Adam to cover up your remark with a crazy high note, but it came in a little too late.
RWAC: Oh, shit… Tell Kris I’m sorry. Tell him I’m sure Adam could probably teach him a trick or two… Hell, tell him I‘ll teach him a trick or two if he wants…!
Ryan: Will you be quiet and listen to the song? Or go play on Twitter if you’re bored.
RWAC: Jeez, uptight much?
OK, so it’s back to the recap then… I already told you what I thought about the song, good, not great, although Adam does let out of few of his vertigo-inducing signature notes, which never fail to impress me. Paula is, expectedly, gushing like a giddy schoolgirl after a bong hit.
The audience is giving Adam a long ovation. Very long. Ryan nervously glances at his watch. Randy gets up, gives Adam the thumbs up, and leaves. The audience becomes even louder. Ryan leans towards Adam, and whispers in his ear: “You better leave the stage, otherwise they’ll never shut up, and we’ll end up bumping the 10 o’clock news.”
With a winning smile, Adam waves at the audience, and walks off the stage, under a thunder of applause which goes on for anther minute. At the end of which Simon can finally talk and be heard.
“Adam, can you hear me from back there? I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we’re out of time, and won’t have to suffer through Paula and Kara’s ramblings. The bad news is that you’re about to miss the event of the century. However, wherever you are backstage, find a monitor, and check this out. I NEVER do this.”
And just like that, Simon gets up. Everyone in the theatre gets up too, and starts to leave. Simon screams: “You boneheads! I’m giving him a standing ovation! Look! I’m standing and clapping! See that, Adam? Just for you!”
Flabbergasted, Adam runs back on stage to make sure this isn’t some kinda special effect. However, as soon as he appears, the crowd starts cheering and going crazy for him again. Ryan gestures for him to go back offstage, and attempts to announce the show’s recap, but his voice is completely drowned by the crowd’s racket.
During the recap, Ryan has armed himself with a bullhorn, in which he is now attempting to narrate what happened in the first seven minutes of the show we are currently missing because of Idol’s fuck-up. Until he is interrupted by the actual show.
No shit, I’m done.
Rebel fashion advice: Lil, I love like every week, you treat the show as if it’s Halloween. It is unfortunate that the one area in which you’re not dullness incarnated is fashion, but hey, one redeeming quality is better than none! So keep it up!
And also, should you get kicked out tomorrow, which would be perfectly fine by me, you know that wig that you’re wearing tonight? I know you’re a Christian and all, but you should totally steal it. They won’t even realize it’s missing… Mothers of 3 deserve nice things too, after all!
Rebel annoyance: The whole thing sucked tonight. And everyone in it. Judges, contestants, audience, the whole damn lot.
And seriously, they went over by 7 minutes? 7?? That’s a lot of minutes, you know?… We’ve always been aware that Idol were inconsiderate and assholish, but they’re pushing it a bit… If I had a show on TV, I’d be pissed if 7 minutes of my airtime was eaten up by some bullshit reality show trying to pass itself off as “singing competition”. Can’t they pay some poor sap to come up with a schedule for this crap? Mind you, what good does a schedule do if you’re not gonna stick to it…?
But really, they need to sort themselves out. 7 minutes is quite a chunk; about a third of the duration of your average sitcom, when you think about it. But hey, all’s not lost…! Auntie Rebel has a smart and logical solution: how about making the performance shows 90 minutes, and the results show 30?
Oh, I’m sorry. For a second there, I completely forgot that it’s Idol we’re talking about; I believe concepts such as “logic” and “smart” aren’t familiar to them. Shame, that…
Pitchy count: 1 (but it was me, so it’s really 0.)
“For you for me” count: about 597.